Putting in the work.

I've been thinking about this one for a long time.  First I was trying to decide what to say, then how to say it, and most recently trying to just find the time to sit down and say it.  Sometimes I feel like such a negative Nancy.  Like my struggles are the only things I have to talk about.  But maybe that's ok, maybe it's how I come out the other side of them that really matters.  Again the past couple weeks before this week have been a real struggle.  It was the last two weeks before Christmas break and my kids at home and at school were crazy.  Also football season was still going on.  We made it to the state championship game in a year where football season had to be extended two weeks for hurricane Matthew.  And I still feel like this journey of my faith is still in its infancy.  I was at my wits end.  I felt like I was doing everything that I was supposed to do, but things event getting any easier and I didn't know what to do.  I was praying harder than ever (which shows how far I have come).  God I don't know what to do or how to do.  All I know is that I really need to feel your presence right now.  This reminds me of the passage in Romans we just studied at church.  Romans 8:26-30 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirithimself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

I did not know what I needed I didn't have a clue what to pray for, but I was patient (because I didn't know what else to do) and daily I would pray variations of that same prayer for at least a week.  Then one day last week they played two of my favorite songs on the radio back to back both about having faith; Eye of the Storm and King of the World.  That right there got my attention.  I could feel a peace come over me, but it's like I knew I was supposed to get something more out of it than that.  I am ever thankful for a God that understands me better than I know myself.  I'm not sure if it's because I a, so early in this big journey or if it's just who I am but He knows that I need bright neon signs or I have no idea what the message is.  One of those motivational messages came on the radio right after those songs and I knew it was for me.  I don't remember the exact words but the gist was that one of the biggest reasons why we tend to lose faith is because the second we start putting in the work we expect things to be different and that's not always how that works.  Yes there are immediate changes, but some of the changes only come with time after putting in some serious work for a while.  I realized that I was doing one of the very things that I get so frustrated with my students for.  As soon as they start putting in more effort in my class they expect their grade to skyrocket to reflect their new found effort, but that's not how it works.  That's not how this works either.  I may have been doing some good things like trying to read my bible all the way through for the first time (I started in Genesis and have made it through Mark so far), my prayer life has increased greatly, and we as a family have become active in a church.    I thought that because I was doing all of these things that my relationship with God should be so much better and stronger and it should be easier to keep the faith.  Anyone who is in or has been in a successful relationship knows that is takes work and nothing good happens over night.  All of these things that I'm doing are good and I should keep doing them because putting in the work is the on,y way to make this relationship flourish.  By not having these unrealistic expectations about where I should be in my relationship with Christ beautiful things have happened.  I have been given such a sense of peace, at least about this, and I feel like it is so much easier to keep my faith.  Just like it says in those verses God works for the good of those who love Him.  Some of us may not be as difficult, but God already knew I was going to be this way and He has plans for me.

God knows what I need.

I don't know how many of you know this Natalie Grant song, but I go back to it time and time again mostly I think because I am so hard headed.  I just keep trying to do things all by myself and this week has been a doozy with me trying to do it all myself.

                                                "King Of The World"

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely inbetween the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

(Chorus)
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world
Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust
Chorus
Ohhhh, you set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to be
And you're holding on to me
Chorus

Sometimes when things get hard like this week when football is still chugging along, it is almost Christmas break, I think my beta club has about 6 things going on right now, my one year old is teething had shots this week and then had to be referred to the hospital for some X-rays, three year olds are just crazy, and then there is all the house stuff.  I don't think that I cold articulate all of the things in my head if I tried.  I am a complete crazy lady.  But God knows how to handle it.  This last verse has been particularly poignant with me today.  God set all these moments into motion, but He is holding me in the palm of His hand.  

In bible study for the past two weeks we have been studying Romans 8:26-30
  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

These verses focus on how important it is to focus on having faith and trusting in God.  About how to let go when we trust in God.  This is something that I have always struggled with.  I am an anxious person by nature and that does not make this very easy for me.  After leaving the hospital where my little one was such a trooper while they did her x-rays I finally felt some peace.  I have no idea what the results will be, but I finally felt that peace and then I got to see my girls together.    Anyone who has more than one child knows how siblings are.  Sometimes they make me want to pull out every hair that I have on my head and other times seeing how much they love each other just makes my heart melt.  I grew both of those babies inside me and love them more than I could ever put into words and now they love each other just about as much.  God knew what I needed to find my peace and I firmly believe that.  My children have not been particularly kind to each other as of late but tonight they were precious.  Yes they did annoy each other but mostly they just loved on each other and I needed to see that.  

The Fog of Motherhood or Life

I feel like I have been walking around in such a fog.  I have no idea which way is up, but down is always real easy to find.  This fog is interrupted by brief periods of technicolor splendor or terror.  Football season is dragging on.  This week the boys will play for the lower state championship and one way or another it will be over soon.  I, just like most teachers, am trying to cram in one more unit before the holidays and midterms despite the fact that all my children think that we should be doing are fun holiday activities.  And motherhood is just hard enough by itself, but we are trying to prep for Christmas and all the other holiday activities, along with two grumpy children; its been super fun.  I actually stuck my head into the bathroom the other day and told my husband if he did not hurry up he may not have to children when he did come out.  Don't get me wrong I love my girls, but FRUSTRATION is at an all time high in my house.  Particularly this morning.  My youngest does not feel well she has snot and is cutting two teeth.  So after she got up this morning she followed me around the house screaming at me, wait a minute that is what she did off and on after we got home from school yesterday.  I am not sure why, but this has been a particularly trying year.  I'm sure the combination of more duties than ever at work, an extended football season, and having a 1 and 3 year old at home have nothing to do with it.  What I do know is that it may not be pretty, but I will get through it.  And I keep trying to remind myself to savor the sweet times.  Like Sunday morning they may have made me get up at 5:30 but then Rorey wanted to snuggle with me and sleep in my lap for 2 hours.  Quinn and Rorey's faces the first time that they saw the Christmas tree this year.  This too shall pass and it will be bittersweet.  I know that it will pass sooner than I would like.  my baby girl is already getting so grown up and when did 3 become so grown?  Just holding out for the holidays.

Today I choose to be THANKFUL

Today I am choosing to have faith.  Faith that God is putting me through the trials that he is putting me through so that I can turn into a vessel that he can use.  Today I am choosing to be thankful.  I don't know if it is the season or if God is doing some serious work in my heart, but today I choose to be thankful.  There are so many blessings in my life that sometimes I am too caught up to notice. I am thankful for a God who spends so much time on each one of us even when we feel unworthy.  I am thankful for a God who loves me even when I behave like a petulant child, just like the Israelites. I am thankful for my two little fireballs.  Those girls are my world.  They are beautiful and smart, loving and oh so spunky.  Even before I found my way back God blessed me with those two wonderfully infuriating bundles of joy.  I ma thankful for sweet morning cuddles from the same child who has gotten poop on me the last two days in a row.  I am thankful for my husband who I love dearly and I know that no one else could ever love me or even put up with me the way that he does and has for almost 14 years now.  I am thankful that he has a job that he loves so much and brings him so much joy even when the long hours start to make me particularly crazy around this time of the year.  I am thankful for my house that is dirty and could use some work but I love it.  I am thankful for my car that due to my father in law is running better and hopefully will not leave me and my girls stranded.  I am thankful for budding friendships.  I am thankful for the other moms in my life who are walking a path so similar to mine and the comfort they bring me because of that.  I am thankful for a church family who has adopted us so fully in such a short period of time.  I am thankful for family and friends.  I am thankful for a job that some days I don't want to go to but where everyday I have to opportunity to touch the life of a child.  I am thankful for the kitchen full of food for me to cook for my family on Thanksgiving.  Honestly not much has changed in my life in the past week, but today I choose to be thankful and in the words of the Berenstain Bears to count my blessings.  God has blessed me so mightily and this morning I will have faith in Him because He is my King and He can handle it, I just have to let him.

Depression

For a week or more I have been pondering exactly what I needed to say and how to say it and I'm still not sure if I will have the words exactly right,but I know now is the time to say it.  With the exception of last night for about a week or so things have been better, but the couple weeks before that were real rough.  I suffer from depression and anxiety.  Mine is pretty mild.  I haven't been on medication for it for years, but any time in my life that is particularly high stress I struggle with it.  My depression has been rearing its ugly head.  The thing about both depression or anxiety, at lest with me, is that it makes me feel like I have two brains almost.  There is the one logical side that thinks like I should and then there is the other side that gets caught up in either the anxiety or the depression.  So my brain is battling the one side is so deeply unhappy with everything that is happening that the other side of me can't reason with it.  I know logically that there are so many little things that I could do to make the situation better.  Little steps that I could take to help make me a happier person, but I just can't.  Its too hard and I am too unhappy.  You are so unhappy that even the things that you know will make it better you can't make yourself do.
  I don't know what all of a sudden made it better and made me better able to deal with the circumstances that didn't change, it was just my attitude.  Well actually I do.  It could only have been God working in my heart.  Then my days started getting better and I started praying to God to help me make better choices that make me healthier and happier.  I can't do it by myself I have proven it time and time again.  Yet it doesn't stop me from trying.
  Then I have days like yesterday.  I am already pretty much at my wits end.  I don't know if anyone can truly understand the sheer frustration and exhaustion that comes at the end of football season for me unless you have been there.  So I am already not in my best sense of mind.  Then yesterday I not only had to work a regular work day, but then we had to work from 5:30-7:00 and because it is so late  and because my darling husband works with me when football is not an issue I had to bring my children with me.  They were running crazily around the gym.  Then after that we tried to go home and again my car wouldn't start.  Then I just got upset.  Sometimes it feels like nothing can ever go your way.  And the minute that things do start to go your way something pops up that slaps you in the face.  And money was what slapped me in the face last night.  From about Friday until yesterday I had 32$ in my checking account to last me until I got paid today.  I had to max out the credit card at my doctors appointment last week and I still owe them money.  Then I start to think about Christmas coming up and I just wonder is money always going to be a problem for us.  Are we ever just going to be ok?  All of these thoughts are flashing through my mind as I am calling my husband to come get us in the neighboring parking lot last night.  Then my sweet three year old asks me if I'm sad because I am crying and I told her yes and she says "me too mommy, I;m sad cause your car won't work to".  Bless that sweet girl.
Sometimes the crazy side of my brain wonders if I am the only one that God has to teach these lessons to this way, or if other people just don't talk about.  I must be one of the most hard headed.  (The not crazy side of my head knows thats not true because I am reading Jeremiah right now and pretty much the whole Old Testament shows how hard headed the Israelites are and how God still loves them.)  I was listening to the radio this morning and they said something pretty important.  They asked if you were carrying a burden too heavy for yourself and if you were was it one that Jesus was asking you to carry.  They said chances are He wasn't and if you wold drop your yoke and pick His up it would be a much easier journey.  I know that I bring much of this stress and heartache on myself because I just can't give it up and thats why God is teaching me the hard way I suppose.

My heart is a little bit broken

Sitting at a table in a room full of ladies you never know how someone is feeling.  Just like the nurse who drew my blood this week told me I am good at concealing how I feel in my face.  I only let people see what I want them to see and that is not very many of my true emotions.  I cried on the way home from that meeting because of a conversation that I heard;it was meant to be inspirational, but instead it broke my heart a little.  One of the ladies at church told a story of going to see a man in the ICU at the end of his life to verify his salvation for his son and he did.  That right there that simple story that may restore faith for some broke a little piece of me right there at that table.  Many people will probably never know how it feels to walk into an ICO room and see your father's body laying there hooked up to tube with goodness only knows coming in and out, the ventilator breathing for him and just looking at him and knowing his soul in already gone.  Thats not the worst of it as I was so abruptly reminded about two weeks before the second anniversary of my dad's death is that I have no real idea about where his soul was that day or resides even still.  My dad was a very complicated man and for much of my life even though I understood him better than most I still did not understand him very well.  Not until about 2011 did I gain real insight to my dad.  That was the summer I spent about three weeks taking care of my dad after he ended up septic and in the ICU after his pacemaker/defibrillator had to shock him about a dozen times on the way to the hospital just to keep him alive.  I thought I was going to lose him that time (and I think that is why every time after that lost urgency).  I stayed with him in the hospital and at home for those weeks as his primary care giver and I learned a great deal about him as a person the path he had taken in his life and how he was starting to feel about things.  One thing that we did not talk about was his faith.  I was in a position where I had essentially lost mine and it was not something I was going to bring up and even at 24 then I don't think I had ever discussed that with him.  And now I will never know or at least not in this lifetime and that breaks a little piece of my heart.  One day when this wound is not so fresh or when my faith has grown and so has my relationship with Christ I might be able to use this as motivation not to leave this stone unturned with the people that I love but right now all I can let this do it break me just a little.  God is going to use all my circumstances, my whole back story to bless someone, its just probably not going to be today.

Speak to Me!

Do you ever need God to speak to you?  I have been praying for days maybe even a week or more for some insight, some guidance, some comfort, some something.  These past couple weeks (really a month or more) have been really hard for me.  There have been some really good days, some bright spots, but its been rough.  It starts to make you feel like all of your days are bad.  I have just felt so defeated and so frustrated lately.  I have started feeling like I may be doing something wrong.  I feel like I am bad at everything.  That I am not doing a good job as a mom, wife, a teacher, a christian, a friend, a daughter, a sister, nothing.  Overall I've been feeling pretty crummy emotionally, mentally, and even physically because my chronic conditions are giving me fits.  I know that sometimes God has to break you down before He builds you up.  I also know that sometimes you have to learn the hard way especially if you are hard headed like me.  I know that I am doing a terrible job of letting go and letting God handle things.  I feel like even my worries have worries at this point and thats no way to live and I don't know how to fix it or even how to let God fix it.  Even yesterday I felt like I was starting to lose faith and hope.  And just like the princess diaries I realize how many times a day I use the word I.  It shouldn't be all about me and I don't know how to change that.  God always answers when you speak to Him and He is always on time; just not on my time.  Tonight when I was reading my chapters in Isaiah I read a couple of verses and I could just feel it.  This was it, this was Him speaking to me.
        Isaiah 30:20-21  Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.  Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying "this is the way, walk in it."

I guess I am busy with the bread of adversity and the water of affliction right no, but at least it gives me some hope that I may come out the other side of this and know that I am on the right path and that I am going the right direction.  Even though this does not make me feel a ton better and I am still in some serious need of guidance I feel like at least I know He's listening and at least a little bit of my hope was restored.  God always answers when you speak to Him and He is always on time; just not on my time.

Just another Israelite

For so much of my life I have felt like I had to do everything.  My mom was a single mom and she worked very har.  There were so many burdens on my mom I felt like I had to do everything I could not to be another one of those.  I have spent a large part of my life trying to be self sufficient.  This morning I was listening to the song King of the World by Natalie Grant and it spoke deep down to my soul.  The lyrics talk about how could we think God was so small, how do we think that we can do it all.  I realized that I am not better than Israel in the Old Testament.  They never could follow directions and they made God so angry because He loved them and wanted them to be better.  I can't follow directions.  I can't let it go and let God handle it.  While reading the Old Testament (I've made it through Ecclesiastes so far) I just don't understand how the Israelites can let God make it all better and so quickly forget about it and go back to their old ways.  Today I realize I am just like that when times are really bad I start to rely on Him, then things start to settle down and I start to forget and think I can do it all.  Then life smacks me in the face.  Maybe one day I'll learn even though I'm pretty sure the Israelites never did.

Roller Coasters

Christians come in all shapes and sizes and each of our journeys are unique in some ways.  Yet we are all so similar in so many other ways.  I may be a young mother of two young girls and I may have a tattoo and three ear piercings in each ear, but does any of that really make me any different than you? Not in any of the ways that count I feel like.  What may make me different (even though I feel like there are a lot of people like me) is the way my journey with Christ has gone.  I was thinking about it this morning and I think the best analogy for my spiritual journey is a roller coaster.  There have been a lot of ups and downs.  Sometimes you think you are about to take that big journey up that one hill that you have been staring at, the one that you have been anticipating and then all of a sudden there is a sharp turn and you are going down again just staring at that hill that is now in the distance.  I feel like this is the kind of journey that my life has taken my faith on.  Hopefully as I get stronger in my faith then my life will be in less control of the ups and down in my faith, but I know there will always be those ups and downs.  Its life its human nature.  My prayer now is that the downs will teach me something to make those ups a little sweeter and that maybe me valleys won't have to get quite so low before there is an upswing.

Today Just SUCKS

Today is just one of those days it has sucked from its inception and I am not really thrilled about it right now.  In the midst of this day I read Psalms 116 and it resonated with me and I had no idea how it would continue to resonate with me throughout the remainder of my sucky day.
   I am already stressed.  There has been a great deal going on lately what with the storm and all.  If anyone has small children they know what it is like to live with a one and a three year old who's outings have been interrupted for days.  We then went to the dr. yesterday and found out that at some point in the future my oldest is probably going to have to have another minor surgery one her ears (the first was inserting her tubes).  Well due to the tubes and the chronic ear infections she has a hole in one ear drum that does not seem to be healing by itself.  Since she does not seem to be experiencing hearing loss its not a big deal, but even minor surgery is stressful for me as the mom, it will be stressful for Quinn, and it is going to be yet another huge expense.
   Then my morning this morning started at 2:56 when I heard Rorey screaming from across the house.  It took me until about ten after four to get her back into the bad all by herself.  Then I struggled to fall back asleep for maybe about 30 minutes before Quinn came bounding into our room at 5:40 this morning.  I am in the middle of a flare up with my arthritis.  I have had significant osteoarthritis for about 10 years now.  The hypermobility of my joints caused significant early wear and tear on them which led to the arthritis at such a young age.  It took me many years, a couple of doctors, and a great deal of tears to get nay answers and some relief from my symptoms.  My symptoms just do not seem to be behaving themselves as of late.  So along with just being sore and achy this led to me not being able to really go back to sleep.
    The straw that really broke the camel's back today was when I tried to leave work and my car wouldn't start.  I was desperately to get a new car (well new to me), but no matter how good the deal is that I found our finances just can't make that work right now when we currently have no car payment.  So I had to walk out on the middle of the practice football field today to hunt down my husband to get the keys to his car to go pick up my children and take them home only to leave 30 minutes later to go pick him up from practice.  I know that I need to be thankful that I work with my husband and we were so easily able to rectify the situation, but right now I am having trouble feeling thankful for much of anything.  And I feel bad for my poor husband because I have been in a crappy mood and when that happens I get very sarcastic and I am not very nice.  I'm not quite there yet (still a little too angry at the world), but I am going to feel bad for it later, my acting out like a petulant child.  The only thing that has kept me form completely losing it today is Psalm 116.
       Psalm 116:1-4 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;the heard my cry for mercy.  Because he turned his ear to me I will call on him as long as I live.  The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.  Then I called on the name of the Lord; "O Lord, save me!"
  Today I feel like I am call out or maybe just acting out and God is the only one who is listening.

Heart broken but Thankful

In the wake of Hurricane Matthew my heart breaks for our little city and I know that we have it better than most.  And particularly my family has it better than most.  I live in a small All-American City in South Carolina.  After abut 32 hours with no power yesterday evening our power was restored.  I am so thankful.
      2 Corinthians 4:15-16 ; All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
    Our property damage is almost nonexistent we have water and power in my home.  We are all safe.  Even my close family that still has no power are still safe.  Driving through our little town there is so much damage.  Our traffic lights still have no power neither does most of our town.  There are giant beautiful historic trees down everywhere, but we have still faired so well.  In the next town over there is still significant standing water in places they are having problems restoring power and water pressure is a problem due to water main breaks.  While I am thankful for my situation I am so worried about so many of our neighbors.  There are people that have been 60-70+ hours with no power and we were not ready.  My heart breaks for some of my students as I wonder if they have anything at all to eat.  Are they safe?  Do their families have the money or the insurance or can they get the assistance to repair the damages that have been done.
    God has a plan for us, something beautiful that is going to come out of all of this.  We just don't know what that is yet.  I know that it is a lot easier to say that sitting in my air conditioned house with hot water and a fridge full of food.  But that doesn't make it any less true.  I say a prayer for all my friends. relatives, and neighbors not as fortunate as us.  There are so many here in need my heart hurts for them.

Oh FAMILY

A lot of people think that I am a very open person.  I tend to talk a lot and very loudly, and I also tend to share some details about my life that other people may not be willing to share.  The truth is though many times if I am sharing it then thats not the real stuff thats the stuff I have already worked through, but I need to try to stop working through things by myself.  Like when the preacher looked at me tonight and he said us and out type-A personalities sometimes have to be brought to our knees because we try to do too much by ourselves.  That hit a nerve tonight.  I try not to talk too much about family business because its not all my business to share but oh my.

You don't get to puck your family and sometimes thats quite the burden especially with one the size of mine.  My dad had 7 kids.  The oldest two with his first wife.  Then my parents adopted their two foster kids after trying for a long time to conceive and not being successful, while adopting my sister my mom found out she was pregnant with my older sister.  It then took almost 7 years and some struggles before I came along and then my baby sister 3 years later.  Some people know dysfunctional families, but I swear the larger they get the dysfunction must grow exponentially.

Right now there is a lot of mess going on with my family and I am trying to deal with it by myself and God so eloquently told me through the words of Pastor Richard tonight to cut that out.  They always say that it is the way that you handle the situations that you cannot control that really determines your true character.  That you can't control the situation, but you can control your response.  Right now I am not responding well.  I am stressing and internalizing.  One of my sisters is particularly good at making bad decisions that affect both her and her children and I don't know why I let it upset me every time there is a new development, but I do, I just can't help it.  I am upset at the situation that she has placed herself in and the decisions that she is making particularly because they do not just affect her.  I am also very frustrated because I am a do-er, I am a fix-er.  I want to fix everything and the problem is I can't fix anything.  And somehow I have turned someone else situation (and this is just the tip of the iceberg here) into an all about me situation.  I can't fix it.  I can't understand it.  I am upset and honestly I am a little bit angry.  I feel like every time that I try to start getting my life on track and I am making healthy decisions for me and my family things happen to derail that train.  I know that God has a purpose for all of this and some of it is to reiterate to me that its not about me.  Some of it is to reinforce this message that my hard headed self can't seem to grasp that I can't do it by myself and that is why I need to submit.  I feel like there is a bigger plan out there for me and possibly a much larger portion of my family in all of this.  We will see.

When you have another set back like this after having one so recently you wonder if you are making true progress.  I guess realizing you hit a brick wall much sooner is some form of progress, though that may have had nothing to do with me and a lot more to do with what Pastor Richard said and that look he gave me.  It all happens for a reason.  I just have to try to do better next time and try not to want to do it all.

Brick Walls and Neon Signs

It is amazing how God deals with us even despite our flaws and knows exactly how to get his point across even when we aren't listening or are trying our best not to listen.  For the past couple of days I have known that something just isn't right.  Then this morning God was giving me a little nudge telling me that even though I thought my time was too tight He had put me right on time.  And I'm sorry to say I fought Him on that.  I am hard headed and strong willed by nature.  Sometimes those are great traits to have and sometimes they make things quite the challenge.  After my experience this morning I started feeling like my spiritual life was treading water and maybe this was what was giving me that feeling that something was wrong.  Little did I know that if I was being a little stubborn He was going to send me the neon sign during bible study tonight.
So apparently I am not treading water I have run into a big fat brick wall and I am over here trying to scale it all by myself just like I always do.  I already told you that I am strong willed and hard headed that often leads me to think that I can and have to do things all by myself. As I listened to the pastor talking about running in brick walls and that was me I also realized that the same thing that he said keeps us beating our head on that wall is the same thing that had me running headlong into it in the first place.  One time I have been conditioned to think that I have to do everything all by myself and that I cannot trust any one to help me.  Through careful listening and careful consideration I have realized that I need to stop reassess and go back to the beginning and try again.  As a teacher I am an old hat at that.  The problem is that I have to do things differently.  Its not always my way.
I need to take myself back to week 1 of our bible study.  I need to work on being humbly submitted.  You can't be so stubborn and hard headed and be humbly submitted to God.  And all the other tenants of my spiritual life are going to be built on this crux of being humbly submitted to God.  And honestly I don't know how I am going to fix that, and maybe thats the point.  To realize that I don't know, and its not for me to know.  Its not going to happen over night, especially not tonight, but I've got to put myself in a position to back down and rely on God.  I just pray that I am stubborn enough not to give up when I falter.  Its okay to be wrong its okay to stumble; thats probably even what God had in mind so that I would stop relying on me.
   Dear God,
Please help me to stumble, to fall, and to fail so that I will quit trying to do it all myself.  Until I can submit to you and realize that its not about me and I don't have to fix it for me or for everyone else I am never going to be able to move forward.

At least God appreciates effort even if we don't get it right.  He just wants us to keep trying again and maybe we can get a little bit better this time. Some priorities have got to change, and some perspective has got to change to get me where I'd like to go.  Good thing He's not going to give up one me and sometimes He will put those neon signs out there if I won't listen to anything else.

The Mom Life

I feel very blessed to have the two baby girls that I have, and I love being a mom more than anything. But sometimes being"the mom" can be so physically and emotionally exhausting.  On the one hand I love being the one that they run to when they are hurt or don't feel good, but on the other hand sometimes I just don't know if I can take it any longer.  My oldest wasn't feeling well yesterday so all she wanted was me and for me to cater to her, and bless her she was pitiful.  Then my youngest is teething something fierce and all she wants is momma, she won't even speak to my husband.  So through no fault of my husbands I am the one dealing with literal poop everywhere from both girls. I am the one thats up for an hour comforting our child who can't sleep because her teeth hurt.  It just feels like its all me and I just don't know if I could stand to be needed any more than what I am.  I feel like sometimes I just need a minute to breathe.  I try to remind myself that its not always like this everyone is not always so needy.  And at lest I can amuse my husband.  He said I had the most parent-y statement he's ever heard this morning.  I walked into the bathroom while he was finishing up his shower and told him in all this time he's in the bathroom I have managed to dress both my children, pack their school bags, and gotten them both their morning snack, but I have yet to even manage to put pants on.  He laughed for a good minute on that one.  I love my girls with all my heart but sometimes I need to be needed a little less.

Kindness Matters

At school this year kindness is a big push for me.  I feel like I tell my teenagers about 100 times a day to "Be Nice".  I know this is normal and I know that most of the time they don't mean it, but so much of my day is spent hearing them say ugly things to each other so I have adopted a new mantra.  "Be nice."  The children ask me why I say that so often, and its because kindness matters.  If after these 180 days that these students and I spend together if one of them adopts a conscience of my voice inside their head telling them to be nice, and it affects even one deed in their life then it will be worth it.
  I feel like kindness from others is one of those ways that we know that God is really there.  I have two examples just from today.  While I was st the grocery store today and I was trying to load up all my groceries in the car while my one year old sat in the car screaming bloody murder I noticed an older gentleman across the aisle from us looking our way.  I smiled politely.  Then he went to return his buggy and the buggy return was right next to my car.  As he walks towards us he says to me "I never understood how hard women had it until I retired, but all of this is hard work."  That gentleman will probably never know that his words soothed my heart and my nerves.  I also firmly believe that he spoke those kind and understanding words to me while my child just screamed because it was Jesus' love bubbling up out of that man's heart.  That man could not have known what I needed to hear, but God did and he put that man in my life.  The there example happened at church this morning.  During the passing of the peace we were all greeting each other and one of the ladies who sits a couple rows in front of us came down my row to speak.  She asked how I was doing and I said good, I asked her and she said the same even though I knew she had a rough week.  Then she really looked at me and smiled and said well we are both here at least.  Despite what either one of us said we both knew the other wasn't doing well but in that moment she shared a kindness with me.  Even though she has so much more going on than I do she took that moment to really look at me and know I had things going on too.  She made the gesture to let me know that she understood me.  Kindness matters.  Small gestures matter.  Comforting words to a stranger matter.
   You never really know the journey that someone else is walking and how much they could use just a few kind words.  You never know how much someone could really use one of those moments when the kindness that stems from your heart reminds them that God is always there for them.  These are the moments where I don't understand how people refuse to believe.  God shows you all the time that He is there for you and He love you.  I know He does to me.
                            Colossians 3:12-So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;
                          Hebrews 13:2-Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.
I know that I am no angel, but without that act of kindness fro a stranger my day could have turned out significantly differently today.  Kindness matters.

The little girl inside me

I talked earlier about how freeing Psalm 139 is to me because it makes me feel like there are so many things I don't have to try to hide because God already knows them and why does it matter if anyone else does.  I realized at bible study last night I don't always feel this way.  I realized last night that as much as I like to say that I don't care what others think(and lots of times I don't) part of my inside is still that little girl me.  Part of me inside still feels the sting of rejection I felt as a child.  My parents got divorced when I was about nine and just like they say I blamed myself for a long time.  I wanted to know what I did that wasn't good enough for my daddy to love me enough to stay.  The year I started fourth grade we moved again (I lived in three states by the time I was 6).  I do not make friends easily, even now.  I have a very large and sometimes abrasive personality, that I inherited from my dad, and a lot of people don't know how to take me or what to do about it.  So in that time I felt a lot of rejection my parents were recently divorced, my mom worked long hours, we moved to a new town (about 30 minutes away from my old school), and I was having a really hard time making friends.  Children can be cruel and towns around here do not always accept new and different very well.
I realized last night in bible study when I was not comfortable sharing some of my broken pieces in front of this group of people, most of whom have been together for a long time, that there is a very big part of me inside who is still that little girl.  That little girl trying to do something new, but not wanting to share too much of myself because I was and am still afraid that people won't be able to handle it or will look at me differently.  This is something that I am working on, but we all know how easy past hurts are to get rid of.  I think my true test of how well I am doing will come in bible study next week.  I looked ahead and the first question gives me a lot of room to share some things and some perspective that not everyone else has.  Either way it will be emotional for me.
Even writing these words down in the anonymous world of the internet puts me out of my comfort zone (which according to our bible study we are supposed to be trying to do).  I can't fret too much about being accepted or at least I try.  Along with Psalm 139 these verses gives me comfort Matthew 6:25-32

 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.   But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

I cannot be anxious about what others think of me, or at least I have to try not to be because God will take care of me so much better than he takes care of all these other creatures.

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed and I am fighting frustration, I am not ashamed to say that frustration has won a couple of times today, maybe even more than that.  I just feel like I am going going going and there is no stop and the amount of other things that I feel like I should be doing right now instead of this is just daunting.  My day started the first time at 1 AM this morning when I hit my husband and made him go check on and put the daughter back to bed who was screaming.  Then they both woke up at 5:36 this morning.  We had to get ready and be out the door early this morning so that I had time to get gas on the way to drop the girls off and then run to the store for a necessity on the way to work (all because I forgot my wallet on Monday).  Then I had to go to work.  Where I had to get ready for my day where honestly I was under prepared.  Then I had my weekly meeting with the other bio teachers.  When they left I had to work on the agenda that I had to have finished for the Beta club meeting after school tomorrow.  Because I was feeling overwhelmed already and because the children were particularly froggy (plus we had an assembly today, which throws off routine) After school we had a staff meeting for this class that we are doing that lasted until  5 then I had to go grab supper for the girls and I that we ate in the car to Quinn's 5:45 dance class that lasts until 6:30 where I had to keep my one year old entertained in the lobby.  After that we run home to put the girls to bed and here I am now.  There is no end in sight.  Tomorrow is another late night, but at least its church, which is helpful.  Then Thursday we have to work until 7 for parent conferences.  At least I get off work early so that I can run errands before I pick up my girls and then not have my husband come home until way late so that we can get up early and drive to where ever we are going.  I feel like I have no time for myself and I have no time or kids and I know that some of this busy is leading to my frustration.  This doesn't include any of my housework the classwork and homework that I now have to turn in.  I feel like I just need one more thing to happen.  My basket is so full right now I am going to start losing eggs in a minute.  I read a devotional that says that God doesn't want us to be so busy that he wants us to enjoy our lives and live for Him, but when so much of this is work related I just don't know how to downsize my commitments and responsibilities.
I know that I am not doing this alone and I try to take some comfort from this verse  Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  But right now I am not feeling very comforted.  I am trying so hard to change my perspective, because I have learned lately that that is so important and that God only puts us in these situations for a reason.  But that is so much easier to do in hindsight rather than when you are in the middle of these times.  At this point I just really don't know what to do.

The Changing of the Seasons- of Life

Ecclesiastes 3:1- There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven.

Life is ever changing.  Nothing stays the same for long and that is the way that it has to be I guess for the waters of life to not get stagnant.  My life is changing right now like the seasons are changing from spring to fall.  Just like with the coming of fall there are some wonderful things like cooler weather and football, but there are also some things that you lose.  You lose the bloom of some of the plants and flowers and some people will miss the warmth.  There are good things and bad with the change of every season.
I feel like all of a sudden over the weekend I have lost my baby.  She hasn't been sleeping in a crib for a while now.  About two weeks ago she started sleeping through the night fairly regularly.  Then yesterday she adamantly refused to eat in her high chair.  She loves to sit in chairs and can even climb on the couch now.  She is only 14 months old!.  I know that there are so many more firsts yet to come, but I feel like all I can think about are my lasts.  Have I put my last baby in a crib?  Have I fed my last baby bottle.  I think that the lasts with my first were so much easier because I knew that she wouldn't be my only child.  But now with everything that I have been through I am pretty sure that I have had my last pregnancy, and my last newborn.  I feel like every day is one more last thing.  I just wish time would slow down for a minute.  I feel like particularly during football season I am so busy that I do not even get to savor any of these last moments of my last baby.  They grow so fast that sometimes I feel like I can't even catch my breath and I know that this is the way that it is.  I know that I am not alone in feeling these things, but it has hit so hard all of a sudden and I haven't had time to wrap my head around it.  I know that a new season is coming and from the experiences that I had with my three year old I know that this is a wonderful and delightful time as my baby starts developing into a little person before my eyes.  And I know that it also means the end for some things that I will not be sad to see go like the numerous times I will have to get up at night (which is a much bigger deal when your first was 1 and your second was 14 months when they slept through the night).

I feel like this is also changing my identity too.  I am no longer the mother of a newborn and never will be.  So much of my identity these days comes from being a mother to my two girls and as they go through the seasons of life my identity as a mother goes through seasons.  I know that God has plans for me and for my girls.  This is all part of His plan, but that does not keep me from being a little sad about it.  It does not keep me from feeling a little extra emotional the past couple of days or a little extra nostalgic.  But one thing that it makes me want to do is to put the brakes on at least at home so that I can at least try to savor all the lasts that I have left and appreciate some more of the firsts that I know are still left to come.   God blessed me with these babies and I do not get to keep them forever so I need to enjoy them as much as I can while I have them.  I don't want this to be one of my regrets in life.  So even if I am a little sad I will hug a little tighter and stare a little longer just to savor every last minute I can.

Bundle of Joy?

I love my girls more than I could ever imagine and there is nothing that I would rather be than a mother.  With that being said I have gone through some very difficult times in this journey with a good portion of it surrounding the birth of my oldest.  My first pregnancy was so easy.  I was the size of a house and my feet would swell up terribly but other than that it was easy (a fact I was not able to appreciate until I had my terrible second pregnancy).  She was due on a Sunday cinco de mayo.  She was also due five weeks before the end of the school year and you get six, so I took off the week before she was born.  Well I went to my regular weekly drs appointment on Tuesday, I was two days overdue.  The dr. started acting a little funny.  He called for an ultrasound and he said this was standard procedure for a baby past their due date just to make sure that they are handling everything ok.  Then he called me into his office, I knew then.  He told me that I had been leaking fluid for days (I think since Sunday looking back but didn't really notice because of all the gross stuff going on with pregnancy) and had little to no fluid left for the baby.  He told me I was to go straight across the to the hospital and they were admitting me now to induce me in the morning and they would try a couple of things this evening to help the induction go more smoothly.  I was at my appointment alone, so when I asked if I could at least go home and get my bag first and he told me no, thats when I first started to cry.  Then while waiting on the drs. office to straighten everything out with the hospital I tried calling my husbands cell phone while I knew he was at work.  He wouldn't answer.  Then I did what any self-respecting adult woman would do at this point.  I called my mom crying.  Eventually between the two of us my husband got informed and he and my mom headed up to see me.  Then I cried again as I walked scared and alone on the breezeway from the drs. office to the hospital to get admitted.  That night besides the anticipation went well.  Even with the small amount of fluid the baby was responding well, they tried a couple of things to help me dilate before the induction, and it was all pretty laid back.  Then at about 7 the next morning things started getting crazy.  They gave me pitocin.  Everyone says that piton contractions are so much worse than natural ones, but I wouldn't know because I was induced with both of my girls.  I was also having terrible back labor because we did not figure out for a long time that my hardheaded little girl had flipped herself sunny side up during the night.  Needless to say things got very real very fast and at one point my mom called my sister freaking out because I was crying and she got a speeding ticket while rushing to the hospital to wait for a long time.  They gave me some IV drugs to help with the pain because I think I was third in line to get an epidural, in made me loopy, but didn't touch my pain.  Then I got the epidural and things were better until my child started reversing stations.  She was going back up!.  This is when we figured out that she had flipped and my whale like self had to try to move to my side to try and get her to turn.  Well we only managed to get her body to turn halfway before she started crowning and they had to manually turn her before I could deliver the rest of her.  My epidural had completely worn off on one side and things weren't going well now.  They whisked my child away she was not crying and no one would tell me how she was doing.  I was bleeding profusely.  My daughter had her cord wrapped around her neck and even after tis removal she did not start breathing on her own, which no one told me.  They were able to stimulate her breathing and gave me a shot to help clot the blood just in time that I did not need a transfusion.  Then I got to hold her and everything was ok for now.    The first time I stood after delivery I left a trail of blood all the way from the bed to the bathroom and almost passed out on the way back.  I felt like no one wanted to give me time to bond with my own child I had to let everyone else do it.  About 26 hours after she was born we got to go home and I wasn't ready.  I ended up with a high fever and terrible back pains less than a week after she was born.  It turns out that I had gotten endometritis from leaking fluid for so long, and they threatened to put me back in the hospital if my fever did not go down in 24 hours.  The beginning with her was so hard.  She slept so poorly.  We tried 4 different formulas before we found the right one for her.  She had acid reflux, chronic ear infections, colic(where she would cry unconsolably for hours every night), eventually she developed asthma.  She was so sick for the first year and a half of her life that she never really wanted any one else to hold her.  All of our families were being pushy and needy and no one was taking our needs into consideration.  Did I also mention that I am married to a football coach and he told me I couldn't have a baby during football season so I had her in May, but as it turns out she was born during spring practice.  I also suffered from the baby blues for weeks.  I wouldn't trade any of it for the world now.  It was all worth it and it has affected us in ways to make us the people that we are now, but honestly at that point in my faith I don't know how I did it.  There were a lot of tears both mine and hers and I know that I didn't survive that without Him I guess I just wasn't ready to see him standing right there with me.

Psalm 139

The preacher's sermon this morning was based on Psalm 139 and it was one of those mornings where I felt like it was just for me.

Psalm 139: 1-18 & 23-24
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.   You hem me in behind and before,and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.    Where can I go from your Spirit!  Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there;if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.   My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!  How vast is the sum of them! 
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.  When I awake, I am still with you. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

He began talking about some people might be angry or uncomfortable at the thought of being under constant surveillance, but it was all about perspective some will be comforted by that thought.  I am not only comforted by that thought honestly I feel liberated by it.  To know that God knows me so intimately that there is nothing that I can hide from Him no matter how hard I try is such a freeing thought.  If God already knows all the ugly in my life and in my heart, the words that I have yet to think or feel or speak then why do I need to try to hide them from anyone.  Why do I need to try to be prefect for the world when God already knows about all of my imperfections.  If God is still going to love me no matter all the UGLY things in my life then I do not need to be worried about anyone else.   One of my all time favorite bible verses is verse 13 where is says that God knit us together in the womb.  I think that being a mother has made this even more special to me.  Then it goes on to talk about that God knew exactly what was happening when I was made and I was fearfully and wonderfully made.  Sometimes on the bad days (even though it is nice to hear on the good ones too) I have to remind myself that God does not make mistakes and He is the one who made me the way that I am.  I am not saying that God does not want me to work on some things in my life there are plenty of those.  But the core of who I am is exactly who I am supposed to be and one day God will use it for His purpose.  There is a reason for this big mouth, this hard head, and this need to be in charge and control things.  Some people may see those as my flaws, and in certain situations they can be, but God has given me these traits for a reason.  If only I could stay on the right track and let Him use those qualities in the right way.  But all you can do is try a little bit harder everyday.  After hearing what the preacher had to say this morning it was another one of those moments that affirmed for me wholeheartedly that God sees me and He knows what I need.  He sees me trying.  He loves me no matter what and every time I stray whether it be a lot or a little He is still right there for me if I ask.  That may be the only thing that I have learned from the Old Testament so far, but I feel like its a big one.  It may have been through someone else, but I know that God was talking to me this morning.

Self-doubt and Self-worth

Sometimes the only thing that you can do about something is admit that it is there.  I have some serious issues with self-doubt and self-worth.  My self-esteem has been a struggle for as long as I can remember.  I feel like I am not a good enough mother, or wife, or teacher, or christian, or friend, or sister, or daughter, or anything.  During the bad times you always dwell on the worst moments like dodging your dads phone calls in the weeks before he died or when I just refuse to play with my children because I just can't do it.  At some time you reach a point where these are the only thoughts circling in your head.  There is just not enough of me to give to my students, my beta club kids, and my kids.  There is virtually nothing left to give to my husband and heaven forbid giving something to myself.  Its not that I am doubting all of my abilities I just feel like I am one of those people who can do a little bit of a lot of things, but isn't particularly good at any of them.  As unorganized as I seem I can keep up with all the service hours for about 150 kids, I can bake cupcakes from scratch, and I can make my little ones quit crying when no one else can.  But I feel like there is supposed to be something bigger out there like I am missing that one thing that I am actually good at.  That maybe I am just not listening when God is telling me what I'm really supposed to be doing.  I love teaching most of the time and I LOVE my kids, I get over 100 new babies every year, but am I even any good at it?  With my master degree in general psychology I can tell you all about how much of my self worth issues item from the abandonment that I felt from my dad for years after my parents split up.  I could tell you about the damage that can be done to a child when they have to mature too fast or deal with too many adult issues before they are ready.  Some days I can tell you through my renewed faith about God's plan for me and that all the skills that I have and the amount of His plan that I know is exactly the way that he wants it to be.  But I'm just not so sure that today is one of those days.  Intellectually I can tell you a lot of things, but some days that just can't change the way that you feel.  I know that I am just worn down.  There is a great deal going on right now emotionally, physically, financially, socially, and spiritually.  Sometimes its just too much to handle at one time.  I know that tomorrow will be a better day and maybe I will be able to share some of this burden so that I don't have to try to do it alone.  And I know that it is futile to even think that I can do it myself, but like I said theres what I know and then theres what I feel.  Tomorrow they may reconcile, but not today.  Not tonight.