Depression

For a week or more I have been pondering exactly what I needed to say and how to say it and I'm still not sure if I will have the words exactly right,but I know now is the time to say it.  With the exception of last night for about a week or so things have been better, but the couple weeks before that were real rough.  I suffer from depression and anxiety.  Mine is pretty mild.  I haven't been on medication for it for years, but any time in my life that is particularly high stress I struggle with it.  My depression has been rearing its ugly head.  The thing about both depression or anxiety, at lest with me, is that it makes me feel like I have two brains almost.  There is the one logical side that thinks like I should and then there is the other side that gets caught up in either the anxiety or the depression.  So my brain is battling the one side is so deeply unhappy with everything that is happening that the other side of me can't reason with it.  I know logically that there are so many little things that I could do to make the situation better.  Little steps that I could take to help make me a happier person, but I just can't.  Its too hard and I am too unhappy.  You are so unhappy that even the things that you know will make it better you can't make yourself do.
  I don't know what all of a sudden made it better and made me better able to deal with the circumstances that didn't change, it was just my attitude.  Well actually I do.  It could only have been God working in my heart.  Then my days started getting better and I started praying to God to help me make better choices that make me healthier and happier.  I can't do it by myself I have proven it time and time again.  Yet it doesn't stop me from trying.
  Then I have days like yesterday.  I am already pretty much at my wits end.  I don't know if anyone can truly understand the sheer frustration and exhaustion that comes at the end of football season for me unless you have been there.  So I am already not in my best sense of mind.  Then yesterday I not only had to work a regular work day, but then we had to work from 5:30-7:00 and because it is so late  and because my darling husband works with me when football is not an issue I had to bring my children with me.  They were running crazily around the gym.  Then after that we tried to go home and again my car wouldn't start.  Then I just got upset.  Sometimes it feels like nothing can ever go your way.  And the minute that things do start to go your way something pops up that slaps you in the face.  And money was what slapped me in the face last night.  From about Friday until yesterday I had 32$ in my checking account to last me until I got paid today.  I had to max out the credit card at my doctors appointment last week and I still owe them money.  Then I start to think about Christmas coming up and I just wonder is money always going to be a problem for us.  Are we ever just going to be ok?  All of these thoughts are flashing through my mind as I am calling my husband to come get us in the neighboring parking lot last night.  Then my sweet three year old asks me if I'm sad because I am crying and I told her yes and she says "me too mommy, I;m sad cause your car won't work to".  Bless that sweet girl.
Sometimes the crazy side of my brain wonders if I am the only one that God has to teach these lessons to this way, or if other people just don't talk about.  I must be one of the most hard headed.  (The not crazy side of my head knows thats not true because I am reading Jeremiah right now and pretty much the whole Old Testament shows how hard headed the Israelites are and how God still loves them.)  I was listening to the radio this morning and they said something pretty important.  They asked if you were carrying a burden too heavy for yourself and if you were was it one that Jesus was asking you to carry.  They said chances are He wasn't and if you wold drop your yoke and pick His up it would be a much easier journey.  I know that I bring much of this stress and heartache on myself because I just can't give it up and thats why God is teaching me the hard way I suppose.