Treading Water

Do you ever have a moment where it feels like you faith is treading water trying not to drown, but faith can’t stay the same.  It either gets stronger or weaker everyday.  As I attempt to tread water I’m slipping farther and farther away and I feel like I forgot how to swim.  I feel like I’m waiting helplessly just hoping someone throws out a life preserver.  

This week I have started an online study of Romans and even only a couple of chapters in I know God put this there just for me.  After starting this book I realize that I am having a crisis.  A crisis of FAITH and I feel like I have no right.  I know so many people truly struggling through events in their life, but their faith is so strong.  It makes me wonder what am I doing wrong.  Why can't I feel God's presence in my life?  What did I do?  I know that God is there.  This opportunity to go through this book with some other ladies at exactly the right time and many other things tells me that God is here, so why can't I feel Him then?  

It also makes me question so many things.  I know that I have serious issues and one of them is definitely trust.  I have found that it is so much easier to secretly expect everyone to let you down in the end than it is to truly trust anyone especially when that is exactly what has happened so many times before.  What about me is so screwed up that I can't even trust God not to let me down?  He never has before.  Things aren't always the way that I want them to be, but God has always gotten me there in the past.  Why can't I trust Him now? 

Feeling lost

It's been a while since I've written anything because it's been a while since I've had something to say or knew how to say what I needed to.  For a while now I have felt lost and disconnected.  In the middle of all these beautiful moments that the holidays have brought with my family I have felt there, but not there.  It's a terrible feeling and one I haven't really known how to deal with.  I have just felt isolated felt people and from God.  It's weird because never once have a doubted that God was here.  I knew it and could even see it, but I couldn't feel it.  I don't know what had happened to cause this rift. I know that some of its been on me.  I have not been making the effort to reconnect like I should, I have not been making it a priority.  I have been praying for that connection to come back, but not putting in the work.  Feeling a little at loss for what to do.  God works in beautiful ways.  I didn't put in the work like I should and was just content to wait anxiously not knowing what to do.  Then in a moment it changed.  God used the beautiful words of a child to turn my heart toward Him.  A child singing her heart out to Him, beautiful words sung from the heart.  Hearing her pour out her heart about Jesus and the power of the water was what I needed to hear.  Sitting in that pew a wave of emotions brought tears to my eyes and a swelling in my chest.  I could and can feel God's. Presence in my heart and in my life again.  Then when her beautiful heart felt songs were concluded I got to hear the heartfelt conclusions of our congregation as this year concluded.  Listening to these people, who have quickly become such a big part in my life, confess, praise, and even mourn was beautiful and touching.  Again during that service I felt tears in my eyes.  Feeling God's support so powerfully and the love of that room of people for each other and for the Lord broke down walls in my heart that I don't know how they got erected.  God knows what I need and He has perfect timing.  I don't know what the purpose of all this was,  my isolation, being so lost.  I do know that God has a purpose for all of it and I am very thankful to start the new year feeling connect instead of loss.  I for one am hoping this is a sign of the year to come.