My heart is a little bit broken

Sitting at a table in a room full of ladies you never know how someone is feeling.  Just like the nurse who drew my blood this week told me I am good at concealing how I feel in my face.  I only let people see what I want them to see and that is not very many of my true emotions.  I cried on the way home from that meeting because of a conversation that I heard;it was meant to be inspirational, but instead it broke my heart a little.  One of the ladies at church told a story of going to see a man in the ICU at the end of his life to verify his salvation for his son and he did.  That right there that simple story that may restore faith for some broke a little piece of me right there at that table.  Many people will probably never know how it feels to walk into an ICO room and see your father's body laying there hooked up to tube with goodness only knows coming in and out, the ventilator breathing for him and just looking at him and knowing his soul in already gone.  Thats not the worst of it as I was so abruptly reminded about two weeks before the second anniversary of my dad's death is that I have no real idea about where his soul was that day or resides even still.  My dad was a very complicated man and for much of my life even though I understood him better than most I still did not understand him very well.  Not until about 2011 did I gain real insight to my dad.  That was the summer I spent about three weeks taking care of my dad after he ended up septic and in the ICU after his pacemaker/defibrillator had to shock him about a dozen times on the way to the hospital just to keep him alive.  I thought I was going to lose him that time (and I think that is why every time after that lost urgency).  I stayed with him in the hospital and at home for those weeks as his primary care giver and I learned a great deal about him as a person the path he had taken in his life and how he was starting to feel about things.  One thing that we did not talk about was his faith.  I was in a position where I had essentially lost mine and it was not something I was going to bring up and even at 24 then I don't think I had ever discussed that with him.  And now I will never know or at least not in this lifetime and that breaks a little piece of my heart.  One day when this wound is not so fresh or when my faith has grown and so has my relationship with Christ I might be able to use this as motivation not to leave this stone unturned with the people that I love but right now all I can let this do it break me just a little.  God is going to use all my circumstances, my whole back story to bless someone, its just probably not going to be today.