The little girl inside me

I talked earlier about how freeing Psalm 139 is to me because it makes me feel like there are so many things I don't have to try to hide because God already knows them and why does it matter if anyone else does.  I realized at bible study last night I don't always feel this way.  I realized last night that as much as I like to say that I don't care what others think(and lots of times I don't) part of my inside is still that little girl me.  Part of me inside still feels the sting of rejection I felt as a child.  My parents got divorced when I was about nine and just like they say I blamed myself for a long time.  I wanted to know what I did that wasn't good enough for my daddy to love me enough to stay.  The year I started fourth grade we moved again (I lived in three states by the time I was 6).  I do not make friends easily, even now.  I have a very large and sometimes abrasive personality, that I inherited from my dad, and a lot of people don't know how to take me or what to do about it.  So in that time I felt a lot of rejection my parents were recently divorced, my mom worked long hours, we moved to a new town (about 30 minutes away from my old school), and I was having a really hard time making friends.  Children can be cruel and towns around here do not always accept new and different very well.
I realized last night in bible study when I was not comfortable sharing some of my broken pieces in front of this group of people, most of whom have been together for a long time, that there is a very big part of me inside who is still that little girl.  That little girl trying to do something new, but not wanting to share too much of myself because I was and am still afraid that people won't be able to handle it or will look at me differently.  This is something that I am working on, but we all know how easy past hurts are to get rid of.  I think my true test of how well I am doing will come in bible study next week.  I looked ahead and the first question gives me a lot of room to share some things and some perspective that not everyone else has.  Either way it will be emotional for me.
Even writing these words down in the anonymous world of the internet puts me out of my comfort zone (which according to our bible study we are supposed to be trying to do).  I can't fret too much about being accepted or at least I try.  Along with Psalm 139 these verses gives me comfort Matthew 6:25-32

 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.   But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.

I cannot be anxious about what others think of me, or at least I have to try not to be because God will take care of me so much better than he takes care of all these other creatures.