It is amazing how God deals with us even despite our flaws and knows exactly how to get his point across even when we aren't listening or are trying our best not to listen. For the past couple of days I have known that something just isn't right. Then this morning God was giving me a little nudge telling me that even though I thought my time was too tight He had put me right on time. And I'm sorry to say I fought Him on that. I am hard headed and strong willed by nature. Sometimes those are great traits to have and sometimes they make things quite the challenge. After my experience this morning I started feeling like my spiritual life was treading water and maybe this was what was giving me that feeling that something was wrong. Little did I know that if I was being a little stubborn He was going to send me the neon sign during bible study tonight.
So apparently I am not treading water I have run into a big fat brick wall and I am over here trying to scale it all by myself just like I always do. I already told you that I am strong willed and hard headed that often leads me to think that I can and have to do things all by myself. As I listened to the pastor talking about running in brick walls and that was me I also realized that the same thing that he said keeps us beating our head on that wall is the same thing that had me running headlong into it in the first place. One time I have been conditioned to think that I have to do everything all by myself and that I cannot trust any one to help me. Through careful listening and careful consideration I have realized that I need to stop reassess and go back to the beginning and try again. As a teacher I am an old hat at that. The problem is that I have to do things differently. Its not always my way.
I need to take myself back to week 1 of our bible study. I need to work on being humbly submitted. You can't be so stubborn and hard headed and be humbly submitted to God. And all the other tenants of my spiritual life are going to be built on this crux of being humbly submitted to God. And honestly I don't know how I am going to fix that, and maybe thats the point. To realize that I don't know, and its not for me to know. Its not going to happen over night, especially not tonight, but I've got to put myself in a position to back down and rely on God. I just pray that I am stubborn enough not to give up when I falter. Its okay to be wrong its okay to stumble; thats probably even what God had in mind so that I would stop relying on me.
Dear God,
Please help me to stumble, to fall, and to fail so that I will quit trying to do it all myself. Until I can submit to you and realize that its not about me and I don't have to fix it for me or for everyone else I am never going to be able to move forward.
At least God appreciates effort even if we don't get it right. He just wants us to keep trying again and maybe we can get a little bit better this time. Some priorities have got to change, and some perspective has got to change to get me where I'd like to go. Good thing He's not going to give up one me and sometimes He will put those neon signs out there if I won't listen to anything else.
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