My profession

There are so many things about my profession that outsiders don't tend to understand.  I am a teacher and I am about to finis up my 8th year in the profession.  Most people don't hear anything about teachers unless they make the news for doing something bad, or because they ha to call you when your child decided to make a bad decision.  Most people don't know what it looks like from the inside.  I'm not looking for praise because I think we're all over worked and underpaid, even though we are.  And these days right here at the end of the year I am more likely to be fed up than enthusiastic, but it's those kids that keep me coming back every single day.  This is not a job for the faint of heart.  I have been treated pretty poorly by some children and adults over the past eight years, but that's not what it's all about.  That is not the reason that I sometimes feel like I spend more time thinking about my kids a school than the ones I have at home.  My husband and I have had some pretty awesome opportunities to really be there for some of our kids this past year through their hard times and has gotten me to thinking.  If you are not in the thick of it I don't know if you know.  Like do you know that I don't think I have met a teacher who hasn't at one time thought about how they would rearrange their home and their whole life just to bring that one kid who needs it home with you.  I don't think there is a teacher out there who goes home and doesn't worry about at least one of them.  Will they have anything to eat?  Is someone going to love on them today?  Most of us go home and pray for them for our babies as we call them in our heads.  We have to worry when we are out if the sub is going to understand them like we do, they probably don't know the back story.  Some of the stories I hea those children tell about their lives with a straight face puts tears in my eyes, but even if I could they won't let me bring all those babies home with me.  We are the ones who are there for your kids when you can't be, or when they can't figure out how to talk to you.  We quiet tears soothe fears, and just love them.  No matter whether you see this side of an educator or not it's there.  You can't do this job if your hearts not for the kids.  All those babies who wiggle their way into your heart despite yourself.  Even with just a few weeks let in the school year when I am at my wits end I can stop and remember that these kids need me whether they want to admit it or not.

Cookie cutters and comparisons

I have know for a long time that comparisons are my biggest problem.  As much as I like to proclaim that I don't care what other people think, and sometimes I don't, sometimes I don't sometimes it's all me in my heart and head, comparisons are at the center of so many of my problems.  Am I strong enough to handle this situation?  Look at her if she can do it I should be able to also.  Am I a good enough mom, because she seems to have herself so much more together than me?  Am I doing enough for my students?  She seems to have so much more to give than I do.
I have never realized before how much this played into my relationship with God.  Is my relationship good enough because I don't do it like she does?  Is my worship sincere enough because I didn't cry?  Is my story good enough?  Is the normal bad stuff that I overcame even worth mentioning?  Since mine is not as drastic is it even worth sharing?
When I was on the way to work the other morning they came on the radio talking about how we didn't have to be a cookie cutter Christian, and that spoke to me.  Now you have to understand this is a slippery slope for me.  When I started losing faith in my teenage years because of my family situation, my depression, and all the rejection and criticism I felt from the christians in my life, this was my excuse.  I used it as my crutch.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am different and I don't mind being that way.  I am loud, opinionated, quirky, and just weird.  I always have been and I love it usually.  Sometimes it causes me to doubt myself and sometimes it gives me an out.  In my teenage years I used this thought of not being a cookie cutter Christian as an excuse to fall away.  I used it to tell myself that because of this if I didn't go to church it was ok, because my faith is just about me and God anyway.  I used it as an excuse to stop reading my bible and my devotionals.  I eventually used it as an excuse to stop praying like I should.
Now when I think of not being a cookie cutter Christian I see it very differently and some of it was they way they presented on the radio.  There are things that all christians should do; go to church, pray, and read the Bible.  Not fitting into the cookie cutter doesn't take those things away it just may change the way that we go about them and it may change how we act on those things we get from church, the Bible, or God himself.  It doesn't get to be my excuse this time, but it can free me.  It can free me from some of those comparisons, or at least I hope.  I guess we'll see.

Our Baggage

The is something that I have been thinking pretty hard about since FCA on Thursday.  I have always known because of my family life and some of the things that I have been through that I came with a lot of baggage weighing me down.  Anxiety and depression are more bags that I carry around.  My self image and self worth issues also lay heavy on me.  I know that God is the only one who can remove these bags but sometimes it's not that easy.  I ask God to heal my heart and remove my baggage to glorify Him, but sometimes it feels like everytime I think one bag is gone and I turn around to find them all back on my shoulders.  Two things I know: one I have a tendency when things go too well to think I can do it alone and two someone once told me that if God keeps leading you back somewhere it means that you haven't finished dealing with it and He's going to help you.  I know that's true, but good gracious that doesn't make it any easier.
One of the biggest bags I carry is feeling like I'm not good enough, never good enough.  And sometimes it comes back so hard it slaps you in the face.  Sometimes I can hide my insecurities.  If you're not paying attention you won't notice that I deflect every compliment because I don't feel worth it, you won't notice that I shrink away from certain situations because I think that no one could ever care what I had to say, that I have nothing to offer.  After a while you get all the better at concealing these things with a sarcastic sense of humor or some other defense.
On Friday all of my insecurities hit me hard.  That morning was rough getting the girls and I ready and off to school while my husband was out of town, but we made it and I was determined to have a good day no matter what.  Around 11 that changed.  The daycare called my child was sick and I had to go.  After frantic instructions I rushed out the door to get my girl, her pediatrician is only open til 12 on fridays so I had to hurry.  I walked in daycare to a sad pitiful child.  I felt terrible.  She only told me one time that morning that her throat hurt, how was I to know.  But I'm the mom I'm always supposed to know.  We rushed to find at 11:25 for some reason her dr. was already closed.  After a brief panic to the urgent care we went.  To get there and find outta about 1 1/2 hour wait but what else was I to do.  By the time the nurse saw my sweet girl her temp had spiked to 102.6 and she told us she was going to find some Tylenol, the nurse didn't even leave the lab before the strep test was positive.  After a 2 1/2 hour venture where the dr. made me feel like I should have known earlier my child was sick, no one got lunch, and I cried alone in one of those rooms with my child we finally left.  I don't need other people to put those thoughts in my head, I have enough of them.  I never feel good enough for my girls.  I know for some reason I am the mom that they need, but that doesn't make me feel worthy or good at it.
In this Lenten season we keep talking at church about this being a time to prepare to receive Gods gifts, but that's so hard to do when you feel so unworthy.  God raises the dead and he can take my baggage, if I can figure out how to give it up and let him take it.  This makes me think of Matthew 11 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  All I can do is try everyday to give it up and trust because this is not what God wants for me.