Putting in the work.

I've been thinking about this one for a long time.  First I was trying to decide what to say, then how to say it, and most recently trying to just find the time to sit down and say it.  Sometimes I feel like such a negative Nancy.  Like my struggles are the only things I have to talk about.  But maybe that's ok, maybe it's how I come out the other side of them that really matters.  Again the past couple weeks before this week have been a real struggle.  It was the last two weeks before Christmas break and my kids at home and at school were crazy.  Also football season was still going on.  We made it to the state championship game in a year where football season had to be extended two weeks for hurricane Matthew.  And I still feel like this journey of my faith is still in its infancy.  I was at my wits end.  I felt like I was doing everything that I was supposed to do, but things event getting any easier and I didn't know what to do.  I was praying harder than ever (which shows how far I have come).  God I don't know what to do or how to do.  All I know is that I really need to feel your presence right now.  This reminds me of the passage in Romans we just studied at church.  Romans 8:26-30 26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirithimself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

I did not know what I needed I didn't have a clue what to pray for, but I was patient (because I didn't know what else to do) and daily I would pray variations of that same prayer for at least a week.  Then one day last week they played two of my favorite songs on the radio back to back both about having faith; Eye of the Storm and King of the World.  That right there got my attention.  I could feel a peace come over me, but it's like I knew I was supposed to get something more out of it than that.  I am ever thankful for a God that understands me better than I know myself.  I'm not sure if it's because I a, so early in this big journey or if it's just who I am but He knows that I need bright neon signs or I have no idea what the message is.  One of those motivational messages came on the radio right after those songs and I knew it was for me.  I don't remember the exact words but the gist was that one of the biggest reasons why we tend to lose faith is because the second we start putting in the work we expect things to be different and that's not always how that works.  Yes there are immediate changes, but some of the changes only come with time after putting in some serious work for a while.  I realized that I was doing one of the very things that I get so frustrated with my students for.  As soon as they start putting in more effort in my class they expect their grade to skyrocket to reflect their new found effort, but that's not how it works.  That's not how this works either.  I may have been doing some good things like trying to read my bible all the way through for the first time (I started in Genesis and have made it through Mark so far), my prayer life has increased greatly, and we as a family have become active in a church.    I thought that because I was doing all of these things that my relationship with God should be so much better and stronger and it should be easier to keep the faith.  Anyone who is in or has been in a successful relationship knows that is takes work and nothing good happens over night.  All of these things that I'm doing are good and I should keep doing them because putting in the work is the on,y way to make this relationship flourish.  By not having these unrealistic expectations about where I should be in my relationship with Christ beautiful things have happened.  I have been given such a sense of peace, at least about this, and I feel like it is so much easier to keep my faith.  Just like it says in those verses God works for the good of those who love Him.  Some of us may not be as difficult, but God already knew I was going to be this way and He has plans for me.

God knows what I need.

I don't know how many of you know this Natalie Grant song, but I go back to it time and time again mostly I think because I am so hard headed.  I just keep trying to do things all by myself and this week has been a doozy with me trying to do it all myself.

                                                "King Of The World"

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely inbetween the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

(Chorus)
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world
Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust
Chorus
Ohhhh, you set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to be
And you're holding on to me
Chorus

Sometimes when things get hard like this week when football is still chugging along, it is almost Christmas break, I think my beta club has about 6 things going on right now, my one year old is teething had shots this week and then had to be referred to the hospital for some X-rays, three year olds are just crazy, and then there is all the house stuff.  I don't think that I cold articulate all of the things in my head if I tried.  I am a complete crazy lady.  But God knows how to handle it.  This last verse has been particularly poignant with me today.  God set all these moments into motion, but He is holding me in the palm of His hand.  

In bible study for the past two weeks we have been studying Romans 8:26-30
  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

These verses focus on how important it is to focus on having faith and trusting in God.  About how to let go when we trust in God.  This is something that I have always struggled with.  I am an anxious person by nature and that does not make this very easy for me.  After leaving the hospital where my little one was such a trooper while they did her x-rays I finally felt some peace.  I have no idea what the results will be, but I finally felt that peace and then I got to see my girls together.    Anyone who has more than one child knows how siblings are.  Sometimes they make me want to pull out every hair that I have on my head and other times seeing how much they love each other just makes my heart melt.  I grew both of those babies inside me and love them more than I could ever put into words and now they love each other just about as much.  God knew what I needed to find my peace and I firmly believe that.  My children have not been particularly kind to each other as of late but tonight they were precious.  Yes they did annoy each other but mostly they just loved on each other and I needed to see that.  

The Fog of Motherhood or Life

I feel like I have been walking around in such a fog.  I have no idea which way is up, but down is always real easy to find.  This fog is interrupted by brief periods of technicolor splendor or terror.  Football season is dragging on.  This week the boys will play for the lower state championship and one way or another it will be over soon.  I, just like most teachers, am trying to cram in one more unit before the holidays and midterms despite the fact that all my children think that we should be doing are fun holiday activities.  And motherhood is just hard enough by itself, but we are trying to prep for Christmas and all the other holiday activities, along with two grumpy children; its been super fun.  I actually stuck my head into the bathroom the other day and told my husband if he did not hurry up he may not have to children when he did come out.  Don't get me wrong I love my girls, but FRUSTRATION is at an all time high in my house.  Particularly this morning.  My youngest does not feel well she has snot and is cutting two teeth.  So after she got up this morning she followed me around the house screaming at me, wait a minute that is what she did off and on after we got home from school yesterday.  I am not sure why, but this has been a particularly trying year.  I'm sure the combination of more duties than ever at work, an extended football season, and having a 1 and 3 year old at home have nothing to do with it.  What I do know is that it may not be pretty, but I will get through it.  And I keep trying to remind myself to savor the sweet times.  Like Sunday morning they may have made me get up at 5:30 but then Rorey wanted to snuggle with me and sleep in my lap for 2 hours.  Quinn and Rorey's faces the first time that they saw the Christmas tree this year.  This too shall pass and it will be bittersweet.  I know that it will pass sooner than I would like.  my baby girl is already getting so grown up and when did 3 become so grown?  Just holding out for the holidays.