Have HOPE because God is always on time

At church on Sunday the choir sand a beautiful song about God being an on time kind of God.  I have struggled with this for a long time I think.  I am an organized person (though you wouldn't know it from looking at my house or my classroom for that matter), I like to be in charge and on a schedule, but my schedule is not the one that matters.  I also read a blog post about how sometimes all the past hurts that we have suffered can lead us to lose hope and it is up to us to choose hope every day sometimes even every hour because of our faith.  I think these two things go together.

In my life I have had many things not go my way.  Sometimes in my family we joke about the "wonderful" luck that we have as a family.  This path that I walk has not been a straight one.  Sometimes in the past I have close to these revelations and the strayed back farther but here I am.  At my lowest point probably in jr. high I was and had suffered a lot of hurts and I thought that things would not get better.  I lost my hope and even now I can remember being a child praying for God to take my pain away even if it meant that I wouldn't wake the next morning.  (This is hard for me to talk about and something I don't know if I have ever said to anyone before and not where I thought that I was going with this, but how can I talk about where I am if I cannot talk about where I've been)To understand I was living in a small town where I did not fit in which is pretty typical at that age.  My parents were divorced and so angry with each other.  My mom worked way too hard at a job that did not pay nearly enough to support us all.  My older siblings had jobs or lives.  i started caring for my younger sister when I was in the fourth grade.  I felt a heavy burden, much older than my years, and I felt abandoned.  Abandoned by the family who had so little time for me, abandoned by my peers who weren't willing to give me a shot, abandoned by my childhood church when they were not willing to forgive the mistake of a child, and abandoned by God who I felt like wasn't answering my prayers.  I had lost my hope.  It has taken me a long time, some very good experiences, and actually some more great challenges to bring it back.

I wanted God to fix my life and to fix it on my timetable and when he didn't I lost my hope.  Because I am here and I am writing this I know and you can know too that God was always on time in my life and I have many reasons to hope.  It is so much easier now to look back and see how all of these experiences and so many others, that weakened my relationship with God and then brought me closer to him than I ever remember being before, were all a part of God's plan and had to happen how and when they did.  If they hadn't I wouldn't be here learning how to hope every single day.  God has rescued me from my worst enemy, myself.  Every day I struggle with this battle and at least for today I am choosing to have enough faith in Him to hope.  

I hope for the good days even for the good moments.  Sometimes if you catch me in the right mood I can even hope for the bad ones that will leave me a better person.  I hope for the person that I can be the relationships that I can have.  I hope for the beautiful moments with my girls (even while I am praying for patience).  I hope that someone else will read this and know that its not always easy and I am living proof, but hope is a choice and right now its the one Im' making.  Im also hoping that someone will remind of that the next time one of those life experiences is happening and I forget that He is and on time kind of God, but on His time not mine.