It is amazing how God deals with us even despite our flaws and knows exactly how to get his point across even when we aren't listening or are trying our best not to listen. For the past couple of days I have known that something just isn't right. Then this morning God was giving me a little nudge telling me that even though I thought my time was too tight He had put me right on time. And I'm sorry to say I fought Him on that. I am hard headed and strong willed by nature. Sometimes those are great traits to have and sometimes they make things quite the challenge. After my experience this morning I started feeling like my spiritual life was treading water and maybe this was what was giving me that feeling that something was wrong. Little did I know that if I was being a little stubborn He was going to send me the neon sign during bible study tonight.
So apparently I am not treading water I have run into a big fat brick wall and I am over here trying to scale it all by myself just like I always do. I already told you that I am strong willed and hard headed that often leads me to think that I can and have to do things all by myself. As I listened to the pastor talking about running in brick walls and that was me I also realized that the same thing that he said keeps us beating our head on that wall is the same thing that had me running headlong into it in the first place. One time I have been conditioned to think that I have to do everything all by myself and that I cannot trust any one to help me. Through careful listening and careful consideration I have realized that I need to stop reassess and go back to the beginning and try again. As a teacher I am an old hat at that. The problem is that I have to do things differently. Its not always my way.
I need to take myself back to week 1 of our bible study. I need to work on being humbly submitted. You can't be so stubborn and hard headed and be humbly submitted to God. And all the other tenants of my spiritual life are going to be built on this crux of being humbly submitted to God. And honestly I don't know how I am going to fix that, and maybe thats the point. To realize that I don't know, and its not for me to know. Its not going to happen over night, especially not tonight, but I've got to put myself in a position to back down and rely on God. I just pray that I am stubborn enough not to give up when I falter. Its okay to be wrong its okay to stumble; thats probably even what God had in mind so that I would stop relying on me.
Dear God,
Please help me to stumble, to fall, and to fail so that I will quit trying to do it all myself. Until I can submit to you and realize that its not about me and I don't have to fix it for me or for everyone else I am never going to be able to move forward.
At least God appreciates effort even if we don't get it right. He just wants us to keep trying again and maybe we can get a little bit better this time. Some priorities have got to change, and some perspective has got to change to get me where I'd like to go. Good thing He's not going to give up one me and sometimes He will put those neon signs out there if I won't listen to anything else.
Super Girls
These are my two beautiful girls 1 and 3
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
The Mom Life
I feel very blessed to have the two baby girls that I have, and I love being a mom more than anything. But sometimes being"the mom" can be so physically and emotionally exhausting. On the one hand I love being the one that they run to when they are hurt or don't feel good, but on the other hand sometimes I just don't know if I can take it any longer. My oldest wasn't feeling well yesterday so all she wanted was me and for me to cater to her, and bless her she was pitiful. Then my youngest is teething something fierce and all she wants is momma, she won't even speak to my husband. So through no fault of my husbands I am the one dealing with literal poop everywhere from both girls. I am the one thats up for an hour comforting our child who can't sleep because her teeth hurt. It just feels like its all me and I just don't know if I could stand to be needed any more than what I am. I feel like sometimes I just need a minute to breathe. I try to remind myself that its not always like this everyone is not always so needy. And at lest I can amuse my husband. He said I had the most parent-y statement he's ever heard this morning. I walked into the bathroom while he was finishing up his shower and told him in all this time he's in the bathroom I have managed to dress both my children, pack their school bags, and gotten them both their morning snack, but I have yet to even manage to put pants on. He laughed for a good minute on that one. I love my girls with all my heart but sometimes I need to be needed a little less.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Kindness Matters
At school this year kindness is a big push for me. I feel like I tell my teenagers about 100 times a day to "Be Nice". I know this is normal and I know that most of the time they don't mean it, but so much of my day is spent hearing them say ugly things to each other so I have adopted a new mantra. "Be nice." The children ask me why I say that so often, and its because kindness matters. If after these 180 days that these students and I spend together if one of them adopts a conscience of my voice inside their head telling them to be nice, and it affects even one deed in their life then it will be worth it.
I feel like kindness from others is one of those ways that we know that God is really there. I have two examples just from today. While I was st the grocery store today and I was trying to load up all my groceries in the car while my one year old sat in the car screaming bloody murder I noticed an older gentleman across the aisle from us looking our way. I smiled politely. Then he went to return his buggy and the buggy return was right next to my car. As he walks towards us he says to me "I never understood how hard women had it until I retired, but all of this is hard work." That gentleman will probably never know that his words soothed my heart and my nerves. I also firmly believe that he spoke those kind and understanding words to me while my child just screamed because it was Jesus' love bubbling up out of that man's heart. That man could not have known what I needed to hear, but God did and he put that man in my life. The there example happened at church this morning. During the passing of the peace we were all greeting each other and one of the ladies who sits a couple rows in front of us came down my row to speak. She asked how I was doing and I said good, I asked her and she said the same even though I knew she had a rough week. Then she really looked at me and smiled and said well we are both here at least. Despite what either one of us said we both knew the other wasn't doing well but in that moment she shared a kindness with me. Even though she has so much more going on than I do she took that moment to really look at me and know I had things going on too. She made the gesture to let me know that she understood me. Kindness matters. Small gestures matter. Comforting words to a stranger matter.
You never really know the journey that someone else is walking and how much they could use just a few kind words. You never know how much someone could really use one of those moments when the kindness that stems from your heart reminds them that God is always there for them. These are the moments where I don't understand how people refuse to believe. God shows you all the time that He is there for you and He love you. I know He does to me.
Colossians 3:12-So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;
Hebrews 13:2-Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.
I know that I am no angel, but without that act of kindness fro a stranger my day could have turned out significantly differently today. Kindness matters.
I feel like kindness from others is one of those ways that we know that God is really there. I have two examples just from today. While I was st the grocery store today and I was trying to load up all my groceries in the car while my one year old sat in the car screaming bloody murder I noticed an older gentleman across the aisle from us looking our way. I smiled politely. Then he went to return his buggy and the buggy return was right next to my car. As he walks towards us he says to me "I never understood how hard women had it until I retired, but all of this is hard work." That gentleman will probably never know that his words soothed my heart and my nerves. I also firmly believe that he spoke those kind and understanding words to me while my child just screamed because it was Jesus' love bubbling up out of that man's heart. That man could not have known what I needed to hear, but God did and he put that man in my life. The there example happened at church this morning. During the passing of the peace we were all greeting each other and one of the ladies who sits a couple rows in front of us came down my row to speak. She asked how I was doing and I said good, I asked her and she said the same even though I knew she had a rough week. Then she really looked at me and smiled and said well we are both here at least. Despite what either one of us said we both knew the other wasn't doing well but in that moment she shared a kindness with me. Even though she has so much more going on than I do she took that moment to really look at me and know I had things going on too. She made the gesture to let me know that she understood me. Kindness matters. Small gestures matter. Comforting words to a stranger matter.
You never really know the journey that someone else is walking and how much they could use just a few kind words. You never know how much someone could really use one of those moments when the kindness that stems from your heart reminds them that God is always there for them. These are the moments where I don't understand how people refuse to believe. God shows you all the time that He is there for you and He love you. I know He does to me.
Colossians 3:12-So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;
Hebrews 13:2-Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.
I know that I am no angel, but without that act of kindness fro a stranger my day could have turned out significantly differently today. Kindness matters.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
The little girl inside me
I talked earlier about how freeing Psalm 139 is to me because it makes me feel like there are so many things I don't have to try to hide because God already knows them and why does it matter if anyone else does. I realized at bible study last night I don't always feel this way. I realized last night that as much as I like to say that I don't care what others think(and lots of times I don't) part of my inside is still that little girl me. Part of me inside still feels the sting of rejection I felt as a child. My parents got divorced when I was about nine and just like they say I blamed myself for a long time. I wanted to know what I did that wasn't good enough for my daddy to love me enough to stay. The year I started fourth grade we moved again (I lived in three states by the time I was 6). I do not make friends easily, even now. I have a very large and sometimes abrasive personality, that I inherited from my dad, and a lot of people don't know how to take me or what to do about it. So in that time I felt a lot of rejection my parents were recently divorced, my mom worked long hours, we moved to a new town (about 30 minutes away from my old school), and I was having a really hard time making friends. Children can be cruel and towns around here do not always accept new and different very well.
I realized last night in bible study when I was not comfortable sharing some of my broken pieces in front of this group of people, most of whom have been together for a long time, that there is a very big part of me inside who is still that little girl. That little girl trying to do something new, but not wanting to share too much of myself because I was and am still afraid that people won't be able to handle it or will look at me differently. This is something that I am working on, but we all know how easy past hurts are to get rid of. I think my true test of how well I am doing will come in bible study next week. I looked ahead and the first question gives me a lot of room to share some things and some perspective that not everyone else has. Either way it will be emotional for me.
Even writing these words down in the anonymous world of the internet puts me out of my comfort zone (which according to our bible study we are supposed to be trying to do). I can't fret too much about being accepted or at least I try. Along with Psalm 139 these verses gives me comfort Matthew 6:25-32
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
I realized last night in bible study when I was not comfortable sharing some of my broken pieces in front of this group of people, most of whom have been together for a long time, that there is a very big part of me inside who is still that little girl. That little girl trying to do something new, but not wanting to share too much of myself because I was and am still afraid that people won't be able to handle it or will look at me differently. This is something that I am working on, but we all know how easy past hurts are to get rid of. I think my true test of how well I am doing will come in bible study next week. I looked ahead and the first question gives me a lot of room to share some things and some perspective that not everyone else has. Either way it will be emotional for me.
Even writing these words down in the anonymous world of the internet puts me out of my comfort zone (which according to our bible study we are supposed to be trying to do). I can't fret too much about being accepted or at least I try. Along with Psalm 139 these verses gives me comfort Matthew 6:25-32
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
I cannot be anxious about what others think of me, or at least I have to try not to be because God will take care of me so much better than he takes care of all these other creatures.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Overwhelmed
I am overwhelmed and I am fighting frustration, I am not ashamed to say that frustration has won a couple of times today, maybe even more than that. I just feel like I am going going going and there is no stop and the amount of other things that I feel like I should be doing right now instead of this is just daunting. My day started the first time at 1 AM this morning when I hit my husband and made him go check on and put the daughter back to bed who was screaming. Then they both woke up at 5:36 this morning. We had to get ready and be out the door early this morning so that I had time to get gas on the way to drop the girls off and then run to the store for a necessity on the way to work (all because I forgot my wallet on Monday). Then I had to go to work. Where I had to get ready for my day where honestly I was under prepared. Then I had my weekly meeting with the other bio teachers. When they left I had to work on the agenda that I had to have finished for the Beta club meeting after school tomorrow. Because I was feeling overwhelmed already and because the children were particularly froggy (plus we had an assembly today, which throws off routine) After school we had a staff meeting for this class that we are doing that lasted until 5 then I had to go grab supper for the girls and I that we ate in the car to Quinn's 5:45 dance class that lasts until 6:30 where I had to keep my one year old entertained in the lobby. After that we run home to put the girls to bed and here I am now. There is no end in sight. Tomorrow is another late night, but at least its church, which is helpful. Then Thursday we have to work until 7 for parent conferences. At least I get off work early so that I can run errands before I pick up my girls and then not have my husband come home until way late so that we can get up early and drive to where ever we are going. I feel like I have no time for myself and I have no time or kids and I know that some of this busy is leading to my frustration. This doesn't include any of my housework the classwork and homework that I now have to turn in. I feel like I just need one more thing to happen. My basket is so full right now I am going to start losing eggs in a minute. I read a devotional that says that God doesn't want us to be so busy that he wants us to enjoy our lives and live for Him, but when so much of this is work related I just don't know how to downsize my commitments and responsibilities.
I know that I am not doing this alone and I try to take some comfort from this verse Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. But right now I am not feeling very comforted. I am trying so hard to change my perspective, because I have learned lately that that is so important and that God only puts us in these situations for a reason. But that is so much easier to do in hindsight rather than when you are in the middle of these times. At this point I just really don't know what to do.
I know that I am not doing this alone and I try to take some comfort from this verse Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. But right now I am not feeling very comforted. I am trying so hard to change my perspective, because I have learned lately that that is so important and that God only puts us in these situations for a reason. But that is so much easier to do in hindsight rather than when you are in the middle of these times. At this point I just really don't know what to do.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
The Changing of the Seasons- of Life
Ecclesiastes 3:1- There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven.
Life is ever changing. Nothing stays the same for long and that is the way that it has to be I guess for the waters of life to not get stagnant. My life is changing right now like the seasons are changing from spring to fall. Just like with the coming of fall there are some wonderful things like cooler weather and football, but there are also some things that you lose. You lose the bloom of some of the plants and flowers and some people will miss the warmth. There are good things and bad with the change of every season.
I feel like all of a sudden over the weekend I have lost my baby. She hasn't been sleeping in a crib for a while now. About two weeks ago she started sleeping through the night fairly regularly. Then yesterday she adamantly refused to eat in her high chair. She loves to sit in chairs and can even climb on the couch now. She is only 14 months old!. I know that there are so many more firsts yet to come, but I feel like all I can think about are my lasts. Have I put my last baby in a crib? Have I fed my last baby bottle. I think that the lasts with my first were so much easier because I knew that she wouldn't be my only child. But now with everything that I have been through I am pretty sure that I have had my last pregnancy, and my last newborn. I feel like every day is one more last thing. I just wish time would slow down for a minute. I feel like particularly during football season I am so busy that I do not even get to savor any of these last moments of my last baby. They grow so fast that sometimes I feel like I can't even catch my breath and I know that this is the way that it is. I know that I am not alone in feeling these things, but it has hit so hard all of a sudden and I haven't had time to wrap my head around it. I know that a new season is coming and from the experiences that I had with my three year old I know that this is a wonderful and delightful time as my baby starts developing into a little person before my eyes. And I know that it also means the end for some things that I will not be sad to see go like the numerous times I will have to get up at night (which is a much bigger deal when your first was 1 and your second was 14 months when they slept through the night).
I feel like this is also changing my identity too. I am no longer the mother of a newborn and never will be. So much of my identity these days comes from being a mother to my two girls and as they go through the seasons of life my identity as a mother goes through seasons. I know that God has plans for me and for my girls. This is all part of His plan, but that does not keep me from being a little sad about it. It does not keep me from feeling a little extra emotional the past couple of days or a little extra nostalgic. But one thing that it makes me want to do is to put the brakes on at least at home so that I can at least try to savor all the lasts that I have left and appreciate some more of the firsts that I know are still left to come. God blessed me with these babies and I do not get to keep them forever so I need to enjoy them as much as I can while I have them. I don't want this to be one of my regrets in life. So even if I am a little sad I will hug a little tighter and stare a little longer just to savor every last minute I can.
Life is ever changing. Nothing stays the same for long and that is the way that it has to be I guess for the waters of life to not get stagnant. My life is changing right now like the seasons are changing from spring to fall. Just like with the coming of fall there are some wonderful things like cooler weather and football, but there are also some things that you lose. You lose the bloom of some of the plants and flowers and some people will miss the warmth. There are good things and bad with the change of every season.
I feel like all of a sudden over the weekend I have lost my baby. She hasn't been sleeping in a crib for a while now. About two weeks ago she started sleeping through the night fairly regularly. Then yesterday she adamantly refused to eat in her high chair. She loves to sit in chairs and can even climb on the couch now. She is only 14 months old!. I know that there are so many more firsts yet to come, but I feel like all I can think about are my lasts. Have I put my last baby in a crib? Have I fed my last baby bottle. I think that the lasts with my first were so much easier because I knew that she wouldn't be my only child. But now with everything that I have been through I am pretty sure that I have had my last pregnancy, and my last newborn. I feel like every day is one more last thing. I just wish time would slow down for a minute. I feel like particularly during football season I am so busy that I do not even get to savor any of these last moments of my last baby. They grow so fast that sometimes I feel like I can't even catch my breath and I know that this is the way that it is. I know that I am not alone in feeling these things, but it has hit so hard all of a sudden and I haven't had time to wrap my head around it. I know that a new season is coming and from the experiences that I had with my three year old I know that this is a wonderful and delightful time as my baby starts developing into a little person before my eyes. And I know that it also means the end for some things that I will not be sad to see go like the numerous times I will have to get up at night (which is a much bigger deal when your first was 1 and your second was 14 months when they slept through the night).
I feel like this is also changing my identity too. I am no longer the mother of a newborn and never will be. So much of my identity these days comes from being a mother to my two girls and as they go through the seasons of life my identity as a mother goes through seasons. I know that God has plans for me and for my girls. This is all part of His plan, but that does not keep me from being a little sad about it. It does not keep me from feeling a little extra emotional the past couple of days or a little extra nostalgic. But one thing that it makes me want to do is to put the brakes on at least at home so that I can at least try to savor all the lasts that I have left and appreciate some more of the firsts that I know are still left to come. God blessed me with these babies and I do not get to keep them forever so I need to enjoy them as much as I can while I have them. I don't want this to be one of my regrets in life. So even if I am a little sad I will hug a little tighter and stare a little longer just to savor every last minute I can.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Bundle of Joy?
I love my girls more than I could ever imagine and there is nothing that I would rather be than a mother. With that being said I have gone through some very difficult times in this journey with a good portion of it surrounding the birth of my oldest. My first pregnancy was so easy. I was the size of a house and my feet would swell up terribly but other than that it was easy (a fact I was not able to appreciate until I had my terrible second pregnancy). She was due on a Sunday cinco de mayo. She was also due five weeks before the end of the school year and you get six, so I took off the week before she was born. Well I went to my regular weekly drs appointment on Tuesday, I was two days overdue. The dr. started acting a little funny. He called for an ultrasound and he said this was standard procedure for a baby past their due date just to make sure that they are handling everything ok. Then he called me into his office, I knew then. He told me that I had been leaking fluid for days (I think since Sunday looking back but didn't really notice because of all the gross stuff going on with pregnancy) and had little to no fluid left for the baby. He told me I was to go straight across the to the hospital and they were admitting me now to induce me in the morning and they would try a couple of things this evening to help the induction go more smoothly. I was at my appointment alone, so when I asked if I could at least go home and get my bag first and he told me no, thats when I first started to cry. Then while waiting on the drs. office to straighten everything out with the hospital I tried calling my husbands cell phone while I knew he was at work. He wouldn't answer. Then I did what any self-respecting adult woman would do at this point. I called my mom crying. Eventually between the two of us my husband got informed and he and my mom headed up to see me. Then I cried again as I walked scared and alone on the breezeway from the drs. office to the hospital to get admitted. That night besides the anticipation went well. Even with the small amount of fluid the baby was responding well, they tried a couple of things to help me dilate before the induction, and it was all pretty laid back. Then at about 7 the next morning things started getting crazy. They gave me pitocin. Everyone says that piton contractions are so much worse than natural ones, but I wouldn't know because I was induced with both of my girls. I was also having terrible back labor because we did not figure out for a long time that my hardheaded little girl had flipped herself sunny side up during the night. Needless to say things got very real very fast and at one point my mom called my sister freaking out because I was crying and she got a speeding ticket while rushing to the hospital to wait for a long time. They gave me some IV drugs to help with the pain because I think I was third in line to get an epidural, in made me loopy, but didn't touch my pain. Then I got the epidural and things were better until my child started reversing stations. She was going back up!. This is when we figured out that she had flipped and my whale like self had to try to move to my side to try and get her to turn. Well we only managed to get her body to turn halfway before she started crowning and they had to manually turn her before I could deliver the rest of her. My epidural had completely worn off on one side and things weren't going well now. They whisked my child away she was not crying and no one would tell me how she was doing. I was bleeding profusely. My daughter had her cord wrapped around her neck and even after tis removal she did not start breathing on her own, which no one told me. They were able to stimulate her breathing and gave me a shot to help clot the blood just in time that I did not need a transfusion. Then I got to hold her and everything was ok for now. The first time I stood after delivery I left a trail of blood all the way from the bed to the bathroom and almost passed out on the way back. I felt like no one wanted to give me time to bond with my own child I had to let everyone else do it. About 26 hours after she was born we got to go home and I wasn't ready. I ended up with a high fever and terrible back pains less than a week after she was born. It turns out that I had gotten endometritis from leaking fluid for so long, and they threatened to put me back in the hospital if my fever did not go down in 24 hours. The beginning with her was so hard. She slept so poorly. We tried 4 different formulas before we found the right one for her. She had acid reflux, chronic ear infections, colic(where she would cry unconsolably for hours every night), eventually she developed asthma. She was so sick for the first year and a half of her life that she never really wanted any one else to hold her. All of our families were being pushy and needy and no one was taking our needs into consideration. Did I also mention that I am married to a football coach and he told me I couldn't have a baby during football season so I had her in May, but as it turns out she was born during spring practice. I also suffered from the baby blues for weeks. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world now. It was all worth it and it has affected us in ways to make us the people that we are now, but honestly at that point in my faith I don't know how I did it. There were a lot of tears both mine and hers and I know that I didn't survive that without Him I guess I just wasn't ready to see him standing right there with me.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Psalm 139
The preacher's sermon this morning was based on Psalm 139 and it was one of those mornings where I felt like it was just for me.
Psalm 139: 1-18 & 23-24
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before,and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit! Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there;if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
He began talking about some people might be angry or uncomfortable at the thought of being under constant surveillance, but it was all about perspective some will be comforted by that thought. I am not only comforted by that thought honestly I feel liberated by it. To know that God knows me so intimately that there is nothing that I can hide from Him no matter how hard I try is such a freeing thought. If God already knows all the ugly in my life and in my heart, the words that I have yet to think or feel or speak then why do I need to try to hide them from anyone. Why do I need to try to be prefect for the world when God already knows about all of my imperfections. If God is still going to love me no matter all the UGLY things in my life then I do not need to be worried about anyone else. One of my all time favorite bible verses is verse 13 where is says that God knit us together in the womb. I think that being a mother has made this even more special to me. Then it goes on to talk about that God knew exactly what was happening when I was made and I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Sometimes on the bad days (even though it is nice to hear on the good ones too) I have to remind myself that God does not make mistakes and He is the one who made me the way that I am. I am not saying that God does not want me to work on some things in my life there are plenty of those. But the core of who I am is exactly who I am supposed to be and one day God will use it for His purpose. There is a reason for this big mouth, this hard head, and this need to be in charge and control things. Some people may see those as my flaws, and in certain situations they can be, but God has given me these traits for a reason. If only I could stay on the right track and let Him use those qualities in the right way. But all you can do is try a little bit harder everyday. After hearing what the preacher had to say this morning it was another one of those moments that affirmed for me wholeheartedly that God sees me and He knows what I need. He sees me trying. He loves me no matter what and every time I stray whether it be a lot or a little He is still right there for me if I ask. That may be the only thing that I have learned from the Old Testament so far, but I feel like its a big one. It may have been through someone else, but I know that God was talking to me this morning.
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before,and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit! Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there;if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
He began talking about some people might be angry or uncomfortable at the thought of being under constant surveillance, but it was all about perspective some will be comforted by that thought. I am not only comforted by that thought honestly I feel liberated by it. To know that God knows me so intimately that there is nothing that I can hide from Him no matter how hard I try is such a freeing thought. If God already knows all the ugly in my life and in my heart, the words that I have yet to think or feel or speak then why do I need to try to hide them from anyone. Why do I need to try to be prefect for the world when God already knows about all of my imperfections. If God is still going to love me no matter all the UGLY things in my life then I do not need to be worried about anyone else. One of my all time favorite bible verses is verse 13 where is says that God knit us together in the womb. I think that being a mother has made this even more special to me. Then it goes on to talk about that God knew exactly what was happening when I was made and I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Sometimes on the bad days (even though it is nice to hear on the good ones too) I have to remind myself that God does not make mistakes and He is the one who made me the way that I am. I am not saying that God does not want me to work on some things in my life there are plenty of those. But the core of who I am is exactly who I am supposed to be and one day God will use it for His purpose. There is a reason for this big mouth, this hard head, and this need to be in charge and control things. Some people may see those as my flaws, and in certain situations they can be, but God has given me these traits for a reason. If only I could stay on the right track and let Him use those qualities in the right way. But all you can do is try a little bit harder everyday. After hearing what the preacher had to say this morning it was another one of those moments that affirmed for me wholeheartedly that God sees me and He knows what I need. He sees me trying. He loves me no matter what and every time I stray whether it be a lot or a little He is still right there for me if I ask. That may be the only thing that I have learned from the Old Testament so far, but I feel like its a big one. It may have been through someone else, but I know that God was talking to me this morning.
Friday, September 2, 2016
Self-doubt and Self-worth
Sometimes the only thing that you can do about something is admit that it is there. I have some serious issues with self-doubt and self-worth. My self-esteem has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am not a good enough mother, or wife, or teacher, or christian, or friend, or sister, or daughter, or anything. During the bad times you always dwell on the worst moments like dodging your dads phone calls in the weeks before he died or when I just refuse to play with my children because I just can't do it. At some time you reach a point where these are the only thoughts circling in your head. There is just not enough of me to give to my students, my beta club kids, and my kids. There is virtually nothing left to give to my husband and heaven forbid giving something to myself. Its not that I am doubting all of my abilities I just feel like I am one of those people who can do a little bit of a lot of things, but isn't particularly good at any of them. As unorganized as I seem I can keep up with all the service hours for about 150 kids, I can bake cupcakes from scratch, and I can make my little ones quit crying when no one else can. But I feel like there is supposed to be something bigger out there like I am missing that one thing that I am actually good at. That maybe I am just not listening when God is telling me what I'm really supposed to be doing. I love teaching most of the time and I LOVE my kids, I get over 100 new babies every year, but am I even any good at it? With my master degree in general psychology I can tell you all about how much of my self worth issues item from the abandonment that I felt from my dad for years after my parents split up. I could tell you about the damage that can be done to a child when they have to mature too fast or deal with too many adult issues before they are ready. Some days I can tell you through my renewed faith about God's plan for me and that all the skills that I have and the amount of His plan that I know is exactly the way that he wants it to be. But I'm just not so sure that today is one of those days. Intellectually I can tell you a lot of things, but some days that just can't change the way that you feel. I know that I am just worn down. There is a great deal going on right now emotionally, physically, financially, socially, and spiritually. Sometimes its just too much to handle at one time. I know that tomorrow will be a better day and maybe I will be able to share some of this burden so that I don't have to try to do it alone. And I know that it is futile to even think that I can do it myself, but like I said theres what I know and then theres what I feel. Tomorrow they may reconcile, but not today. Not tonight.
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