A tale of two messages- Part II

There are some ugly things in my life and I have shared many of them, but one thing I don't like to talk about are the things I fall short with the things that I truly cannot control.  I like most people have a vice, its probably even an addiction and it stems from my need to control and my inability to find comfort from a healthy place.  I have battled with this my whole life.  Some of you are going to think that it is ridiculous when I tell you what it is, that its not a real addiction and some of you will nod your heads knowing exactly what I mean.  Its FOOD.  It consume so much of my time of my thoughts and my life.  I let it control me.  I obsess over it, I worry over it, I think of it constantly.  This is a battle I have yo-yoed with my whole life sometimes doing better and sometimes worse.  I realized something today.  My first problem is I never really realized how much of my life it takes over, or how much joy it takes from me.  I am not worried about my physical weight, even though I think we would all like to be thinner.  This about my heart and my soul and the weight that I would like to lift off of them.  I have been trying to fight this battle by myself my whole life and thats why the victory has never taken hold.  I realized this morning if I can give this battle up to God and let him fight it for me, then I can truly be victorious.  Maybe my two post from this morning have a lot more in common than I thought its all about giving up and giving it to God, and you can only do that once some of your faith has been restored.  Even with Gods help this will not be any easy fight, to break habits that have lasted a lifetime, but He can handle it.  Maybe now I can truly find comfort in the places that He intended.  In Him.  Its time for me to let him be strong and for me to give up control.  I have spent so long in life feeling like I was the one who had to be strong because no one else was going to do it, and I was wrong.  Its His turn.  Today its easy and some days it won't be, but you have to start somewhere, and He will give me His strength.  And His has always been so much greater than mine anyway.  ITs time to stop hiding the ugly, so HE can fix it and fix me.

A tale of messages- Part I

There are two things lying very heavily on my heart this morning and I am hoping that I get the chance to get them both out.  Sometimes it take the hard times in order to be able to realize the good. This past week has been a very big challenge for me.  We are in the full swing of football season so that means my husband is home on a very limited basis and I have had a sick child this week.  I ended up missing two days of work and leaving work early once all in the second week of school.  That is what it is.  It leaves me feeling frazzled as I am trying to do my best to keep up with my school work, but my kids come first.  The culminating event in this week was when I had to take my baby girl to the emergency room at about 3AM Friday morning.  This was particularly trying because at 6 months old my baby ended up being put in the hospital for 5 days, so that experience was very fresh on my mind that morning as I watched my daughter struggle to breathe.  The whole way to the hospital in the car I prayed (and thats a big step for me, that thats what I went to first).  I am a worrier and I like to be in control.  I like to do.  I like to feel like I can fix everything, but I can't.  I did not realize until this morning when I read the blog post of a friend what all this meant.  Not to say that I was not stressed or worried that morning.  I am a mom and she is my baby girl.  And most of all I am human and I do struggle.  But the fact that I could pray about it and I knew that God was going to take care of it so that I could stop trying was a big step for me.  When I read a post about restoration I realized something.  Some of my faith that I lost along the way through the hard times and the experiences that I have been through has been restored.  If that faith had not been restored, at least a little, then I would not have been able to trust God in that situation, in a way that I have not for a long time.  Sometimes you don't see these things until a friend unknowingly points them out to you.

The really BIG Crazy

I'm not quite sure what this says about me, but I do best with the really big kinds of crazy.  Not that I like dealing with them, but I can handle the big deals better than I can the everyday crazy in life.  In situations like when my dad died or when they put my 6 month old in the hospital for 5 days.  I got this.  I don't know if God made me that way because of all the crazy in my life, and someone has to deal with it , or if he has a bigger plan for that.  Now the everyday crazy mess of life I don't know what to do with.  My little one doesn't feel well, she cutting teeth, just the 3s, and last night was the first night of 3 in a row that my husband will not be home until late (after we are all in bed late).  Right now I am fine, better than I usually would be, but that is not the norm.  It is not my strong suit.  The kind of crazy where everyone else is a mess and I can take charge and handle it is what I'm good at.  I think it is like what I was talking about at church I have a control problem.  I like to feel like I am handling things.  With the little stuff there is no handling, it is what it is.  With the big stuff I can handle it I can take care of everyone else.  I can take the mom role just like I always do no matter who the other parties are.  For someone who has been "the adult" or even "the mom" figure for so long, way before I was a mom or even an adult it is hard to give up that control, especially when you sometimes feel like thats all that you have.  Sometimes I feel like my self worth is defined by what I can handle and what I can deal with.  I try to stop and remind myself just like my husband knew well and good what he was getting into before we got married because we had been together 7 1/2 years at that point, God knew.  God knew long before I was born what kind of person I was going to be and he made me that way.  Despite all of my flaws and sometimes because of them He loves me.  I read this in my bible reading last night and it hit home -1 Samuel 16:7-But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” God looks at the parts of me that no one can see. -Psalm 139:13-15 -For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  God was the one that decided to make me this way and that doesn't mean that I don't need to change, but it does mean that there was a reason and He always loves me.

You see what you're looking for

I have learned over the past couple of days that you see exactly what you're looking for.  This has not been an easy couple of days.  It turns out my youngest has what we think is a cold or some other mild virus, which is aggravating her asthma.  Plus she is cutting her molars.  Because of all this wonderfulness she was up from 1 AM to 3 AM last night.  Needless to say I am exhausted.  However thats not the point the point is that once you start looking for and asking for God to show you some love and encouragement then you will.  Its not always easy to get into that mindset, but when you do its all around.  Its the small things like a song on the radio that comes on and soothes your rough edges after a long night.  Its the story on the radio or facebook or wherever of another mom going through something similar that makes you feel like you are not alone.  When your heart is ready to see it God is ready to show it to you and I am just glad that today thats me.  I know that tomorrow I may not see these signs I may not be in a place where I am looking, but as for today they are all around.  

Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Why is God using ME?

I just finished reading a book Hope for the Weary Mom: Let God meet you in the mess and it was awesome.  In the last chapter it talks about why God even bothers with us and why he doesn't just pick someone else.  This resonated with me.  Some days I really wonder why God chose this for me.  There has got to be someone with a better story, someone who has their life together so much h more to have better advice.  I always feel like my story is too much in the middle to be helpful.  I did not live that cookie cutter life and I have had some hard times and some bad things happen; but its not like I have lived through what I think of as real tragedy.  So why didn't God pick someone more qualified, why did he pick me for any of this?  Well I can't answer that, like the preacher said, or at least not yet.  One day I might know what it may be about me and my life and my story that has prepared me for the places that God is taking me or I may not.  On bad days I feel despondent and like nothing I do is ever worthy and there is no way that I can help anyone.  But as much as its all about my backstory at the same time it has nothing to do with me.  The things that I will accomplish and the lives that I have and will touch are because that is the way that God wants it to be.  He never wanted hard things to happen to me, but he always had this plan for me there are things that He wants me to do for Him and they wouldn't be possible with someone else.
Jeremiah 29:11 perfectly sums this up -For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.-

Work in Progress

I am a work in progress, but Go'd makes sure to let me know that I am progressing.  Today has not been a particularly challenging day just normal and sometimes that makes you weary.  My days start bright and early (5:17 is when my oldest got up this morning).  Then I made pancakes, washed dishes, and tried to clean the house before my husband had to leave for football.  I took some time to look up some new ideas for my classroom.  Made lunch played my youngest down.  When they woke up we had to drive to a nearby town to buy shoes for my oldest where my sister met me.  We got dinner to take home then come home had dinner, tried on all the new shoes, cleaned up super and got the girls in bed.   Then is my time.God has this way of giving you exactly what you need when you need it.  On the way home from our shoe expedition I heard a beautiful song on the radio that spoke straight to my heart.  "Eye of the Storm" by Ryan Stevenson.  There is a line at the beginning that talks about when everything is going wrong and gets crazy you hear the rain and it reminds you that God is in control.  I love the rain it is so therapeutic and peaceful.  I constantly need to be reminded that God is in control and I should qui worrying about it.  (Much easier said than done),  It is so easy for me to get caught up in the stress and the bustle that is my beautiful and messy life.  I have to make sure that I take time for myself everyday to recharge and get perspective, so that I don't end up forgetting all of that.
God has his gentle way of reminding me that I am doing this and that I can do this because of him.  Sometimes its a song on the radio at the right time.  Sometimes it is a well timed hug or unprovoked declaration of love for your children.  Sometimes its how excited my husband is to talk to me at 2AM after he gets home from a football game.  Sometimes its seeing my girls play with one of the toys my daddy so lovingly picked out.  There is a lot of beauty in this mess if I don't get too caught up to see it.  And God has had a lot to say to me lately maybe I can start listening a little better.

Its all about the BACKSTORY

Sometimes I have no idea what it is I have to say or where I am going, but I know what I am going to get there.  I have faith.  This is a very therapeutic process for me.  It is time that I take for myself to sit down and think about the things that have happened and to gain some perspective, which is so important especially on weeks like this.  It has been a challenging week with school starting back, my oldest is acting out, none of her shoes fit, and about one hundred other small and meaningless things.  I am tired and I am stressed but taking a minute to breathe and realize it is not that big of a deal and to really make myself think about how all these little pieces are fitting into God's plan for me helps.
I know that there are some thins working right now and I can feel it and I am actually very thankful that I have some people in my life who are willing to call me out on those whether they know it or not.  This does not always mean when the pastor calls me out in front of the church whether he is using my name or not.  I have noticed other people more subtly saying things to remind me of where I am in this journey and were it is that I need to be going and I have to take time to realize that God put them there.  That God put those things on their heart and I need to be paying attention.
Tonight for instance my oldest was acting out at church so I had to take her out of the fellowship hall and have a talk with her among other things before I could eventually leave her screaming with her sister in the nursery to return to bible study.  I was frustrated, upset, and at wits end with tears stuck in my eyes.  Then I walk into the fellowship hall late and the first thing that they start talking about is about backstories.  Oh and I have a doozy.  As related parts of his own backstory I felt like he was looking at and talking directly to me.  I have shared bits and pieces of my back story on here before and as he called them its one of the messy ones and for someone who doesn't mind being honest about the messy parts and who talks as much as I do, I manage to have a whole lot to say sometimes without really saying any of the important things.  I am trying to do better.
But the funny thing is in my 29 years I feel like I have lived many lives.    When I was so young that I barely remember we lived in this cookie cutter house in the perfect neighborhood, where everything seemed like it was the way it is in movies.  Then things changed I think its so much harder to handle the messy when it didn't start out that way.  I think the sad part is that I am just now beginning to be old enough to truly understand just how messy some of it was and still is.  I didn't realize that not everyone watches their parents get torn apart, their sister lose her first child before she was due to graduate high school.  Not everyone knows what it is like to see drugs and men destroy one of your sibling and what that does to your mom and the other sister you have that was her best friend.  Not everyones best friend growing up had a mother who was an alcoholic and all the things that entailed.  Not everyone rushes out of work because their sixth month old baby is getting admitted to the hospital as she struggles to breath.  Not everyone hears the stories that my students tell me that break my heart.  Not everyone has to look at the doctors and tell them take their daddy off the ventilator, knowing that will be his last breath, because he will never get better.  But I also know that not everyone gets to watch their beautiful baby girls that they carried forever sleep at night.  Not everyone gets to marry the first guy they started dating at 15 and almost 14 years later say they'd never want to be anywhere else.
These things and so many more things that I can't even think of right now or I have yet to figure out aren't a part of everyone else life; these are my backstory.  If I did not have them I would not be able to write these words to touch a life, even if its only my own, just like God has lead me to do.  If it weren't for my backstory I would not have some of these things to bring to the table that I don't know if I even realized util now were gifts from God even if I wasn't ready for them yet.  Like the one student who's mom came to me when her child would talk to me and not her after returning from the hospital because the little girl tried to hurt herself.  If I did not have the backstory that I do.  I would not have connected with that little girl and there are so many other students and other people that I would not be able to understand without these life experiences.
I read the story of Gideon tonight and this part stuck out to me even before I knew what I had to say.  Judges 6:13 -"But sir" Gideon replied, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us?  Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?  but now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the had of Midian."-  God didn't go anywhere in my life, I did.  And God let me because he knew that all of these things had to be a part of my backstory to carry out the purpose that he has for me.  Sometimes it is easier to feel sorry for yourself because of what you have been through and to feel abandoned by God than it is to realize the messier you backstory is probably the bigger God's plans are for you.  The mess is what allows God to use me in the ways that he has called me and how amazing is it to think that even though I may have just figured this out he has had this plan even before I was born.