My heart is a little bit broken

Sitting at a table in a room full of ladies you never know how someone is feeling.  Just like the nurse who drew my blood this week told me I am good at concealing how I feel in my face.  I only let people see what I want them to see and that is not very many of my true emotions.  I cried on the way home from that meeting because of a conversation that I heard;it was meant to be inspirational, but instead it broke my heart a little.  One of the ladies at church told a story of going to see a man in the ICU at the end of his life to verify his salvation for his son and he did.  That right there that simple story that may restore faith for some broke a little piece of me right there at that table.  Many people will probably never know how it feels to walk into an ICO room and see your father's body laying there hooked up to tube with goodness only knows coming in and out, the ventilator breathing for him and just looking at him and knowing his soul in already gone.  Thats not the worst of it as I was so abruptly reminded about two weeks before the second anniversary of my dad's death is that I have no real idea about where his soul was that day or resides even still.  My dad was a very complicated man and for much of my life even though I understood him better than most I still did not understand him very well.  Not until about 2011 did I gain real insight to my dad.  That was the summer I spent about three weeks taking care of my dad after he ended up septic and in the ICU after his pacemaker/defibrillator had to shock him about a dozen times on the way to the hospital just to keep him alive.  I thought I was going to lose him that time (and I think that is why every time after that lost urgency).  I stayed with him in the hospital and at home for those weeks as his primary care giver and I learned a great deal about him as a person the path he had taken in his life and how he was starting to feel about things.  One thing that we did not talk about was his faith.  I was in a position where I had essentially lost mine and it was not something I was going to bring up and even at 24 then I don't think I had ever discussed that with him.  And now I will never know or at least not in this lifetime and that breaks a little piece of my heart.  One day when this wound is not so fresh or when my faith has grown and so has my relationship with Christ I might be able to use this as motivation not to leave this stone unturned with the people that I love but right now all I can let this do it break me just a little.  God is going to use all my circumstances, my whole back story to bless someone, its just probably not going to be today.

Speak to Me!

Do you ever need God to speak to you?  I have been praying for days maybe even a week or more for some insight, some guidance, some comfort, some something.  These past couple weeks (really a month or more) have been really hard for me.  There have been some really good days, some bright spots, but its been rough.  It starts to make you feel like all of your days are bad.  I have just felt so defeated and so frustrated lately.  I have started feeling like I may be doing something wrong.  I feel like I am bad at everything.  That I am not doing a good job as a mom, wife, a teacher, a christian, a friend, a daughter, a sister, nothing.  Overall I've been feeling pretty crummy emotionally, mentally, and even physically because my chronic conditions are giving me fits.  I know that sometimes God has to break you down before He builds you up.  I also know that sometimes you have to learn the hard way especially if you are hard headed like me.  I know that I am doing a terrible job of letting go and letting God handle things.  I feel like even my worries have worries at this point and thats no way to live and I don't know how to fix it or even how to let God fix it.  Even yesterday I felt like I was starting to lose faith and hope.  And just like the princess diaries I realize how many times a day I use the word I.  It shouldn't be all about me and I don't know how to change that.  God always answers when you speak to Him and He is always on time; just not on my time.  Tonight when I was reading my chapters in Isaiah I read a couple of verses and I could just feel it.  This was it, this was Him speaking to me.
        Isaiah 30:20-21  Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.  Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying "this is the way, walk in it."

I guess I am busy with the bread of adversity and the water of affliction right no, but at least it gives me some hope that I may come out the other side of this and know that I am on the right path and that I am going the right direction.  Even though this does not make me feel a ton better and I am still in some serious need of guidance I feel like at least I know He's listening and at least a little bit of my hope was restored.  God always answers when you speak to Him and He is always on time; just not on my time.

Just another Israelite

For so much of my life I have felt like I had to do everything.  My mom was a single mom and she worked very har.  There were so many burdens on my mom I felt like I had to do everything I could not to be another one of those.  I have spent a large part of my life trying to be self sufficient.  This morning I was listening to the song King of the World by Natalie Grant and it spoke deep down to my soul.  The lyrics talk about how could we think God was so small, how do we think that we can do it all.  I realized that I am not better than Israel in the Old Testament.  They never could follow directions and they made God so angry because He loved them and wanted them to be better.  I can't follow directions.  I can't let it go and let God handle it.  While reading the Old Testament (I've made it through Ecclesiastes so far) I just don't understand how the Israelites can let God make it all better and so quickly forget about it and go back to their old ways.  Today I realize I am just like that when times are really bad I start to rely on Him, then things start to settle down and I start to forget and think I can do it all.  Then life smacks me in the face.  Maybe one day I'll learn even though I'm pretty sure the Israelites never did.

Roller Coasters

Christians come in all shapes and sizes and each of our journeys are unique in some ways.  Yet we are all so similar in so many other ways.  I may be a young mother of two young girls and I may have a tattoo and three ear piercings in each ear, but does any of that really make me any different than you? Not in any of the ways that count I feel like.  What may make me different (even though I feel like there are a lot of people like me) is the way my journey with Christ has gone.  I was thinking about it this morning and I think the best analogy for my spiritual journey is a roller coaster.  There have been a lot of ups and downs.  Sometimes you think you are about to take that big journey up that one hill that you have been staring at, the one that you have been anticipating and then all of a sudden there is a sharp turn and you are going down again just staring at that hill that is now in the distance.  I feel like this is the kind of journey that my life has taken my faith on.  Hopefully as I get stronger in my faith then my life will be in less control of the ups and down in my faith, but I know there will always be those ups and downs.  Its life its human nature.  My prayer now is that the downs will teach me something to make those ups a little sweeter and that maybe me valleys won't have to get quite so low before there is an upswing.

Today Just SUCKS

Today is just one of those days it has sucked from its inception and I am not really thrilled about it right now.  In the midst of this day I read Psalms 116 and it resonated with me and I had no idea how it would continue to resonate with me throughout the remainder of my sucky day.
   I am already stressed.  There has been a great deal going on lately what with the storm and all.  If anyone has small children they know what it is like to live with a one and a three year old who's outings have been interrupted for days.  We then went to the dr. yesterday and found out that at some point in the future my oldest is probably going to have to have another minor surgery one her ears (the first was inserting her tubes).  Well due to the tubes and the chronic ear infections she has a hole in one ear drum that does not seem to be healing by itself.  Since she does not seem to be experiencing hearing loss its not a big deal, but even minor surgery is stressful for me as the mom, it will be stressful for Quinn, and it is going to be yet another huge expense.
   Then my morning this morning started at 2:56 when I heard Rorey screaming from across the house.  It took me until about ten after four to get her back into the bad all by herself.  Then I struggled to fall back asleep for maybe about 30 minutes before Quinn came bounding into our room at 5:40 this morning.  I am in the middle of a flare up with my arthritis.  I have had significant osteoarthritis for about 10 years now.  The hypermobility of my joints caused significant early wear and tear on them which led to the arthritis at such a young age.  It took me many years, a couple of doctors, and a great deal of tears to get nay answers and some relief from my symptoms.  My symptoms just do not seem to be behaving themselves as of late.  So along with just being sore and achy this led to me not being able to really go back to sleep.
    The straw that really broke the camel's back today was when I tried to leave work and my car wouldn't start.  I was desperately to get a new car (well new to me), but no matter how good the deal is that I found our finances just can't make that work right now when we currently have no car payment.  So I had to walk out on the middle of the practice football field today to hunt down my husband to get the keys to his car to go pick up my children and take them home only to leave 30 minutes later to go pick him up from practice.  I know that I need to be thankful that I work with my husband and we were so easily able to rectify the situation, but right now I am having trouble feeling thankful for much of anything.  And I feel bad for my poor husband because I have been in a crappy mood and when that happens I get very sarcastic and I am not very nice.  I'm not quite there yet (still a little too angry at the world), but I am going to feel bad for it later, my acting out like a petulant child.  The only thing that has kept me form completely losing it today is Psalm 116.
       Psalm 116:1-4 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;the heard my cry for mercy.  Because he turned his ear to me I will call on him as long as I live.  The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.  Then I called on the name of the Lord; "O Lord, save me!"
  Today I feel like I am call out or maybe just acting out and God is the only one who is listening.

Heart broken but Thankful

In the wake of Hurricane Matthew my heart breaks for our little city and I know that we have it better than most.  And particularly my family has it better than most.  I live in a small All-American City in South Carolina.  After abut 32 hours with no power yesterday evening our power was restored.  I am so thankful.
      2 Corinthians 4:15-16 ; All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
    Our property damage is almost nonexistent we have water and power in my home.  We are all safe.  Even my close family that still has no power are still safe.  Driving through our little town there is so much damage.  Our traffic lights still have no power neither does most of our town.  There are giant beautiful historic trees down everywhere, but we have still faired so well.  In the next town over there is still significant standing water in places they are having problems restoring power and water pressure is a problem due to water main breaks.  While I am thankful for my situation I am so worried about so many of our neighbors.  There are people that have been 60-70+ hours with no power and we were not ready.  My heart breaks for some of my students as I wonder if they have anything at all to eat.  Are they safe?  Do their families have the money or the insurance or can they get the assistance to repair the damages that have been done.
    God has a plan for us, something beautiful that is going to come out of all of this.  We just don't know what that is yet.  I know that it is a lot easier to say that sitting in my air conditioned house with hot water and a fridge full of food.  But that doesn't make it any less true.  I say a prayer for all my friends. relatives, and neighbors not as fortunate as us.  There are so many here in need my heart hurts for them.

Oh FAMILY

A lot of people think that I am a very open person.  I tend to talk a lot and very loudly, and I also tend to share some details about my life that other people may not be willing to share.  The truth is though many times if I am sharing it then thats not the real stuff thats the stuff I have already worked through, but I need to try to stop working through things by myself.  Like when the preacher looked at me tonight and he said us and out type-A personalities sometimes have to be brought to our knees because we try to do too much by ourselves.  That hit a nerve tonight.  I try not to talk too much about family business because its not all my business to share but oh my.

You don't get to puck your family and sometimes thats quite the burden especially with one the size of mine.  My dad had 7 kids.  The oldest two with his first wife.  Then my parents adopted their two foster kids after trying for a long time to conceive and not being successful, while adopting my sister my mom found out she was pregnant with my older sister.  It then took almost 7 years and some struggles before I came along and then my baby sister 3 years later.  Some people know dysfunctional families, but I swear the larger they get the dysfunction must grow exponentially.

Right now there is a lot of mess going on with my family and I am trying to deal with it by myself and God so eloquently told me through the words of Pastor Richard tonight to cut that out.  They always say that it is the way that you handle the situations that you cannot control that really determines your true character.  That you can't control the situation, but you can control your response.  Right now I am not responding well.  I am stressing and internalizing.  One of my sisters is particularly good at making bad decisions that affect both her and her children and I don't know why I let it upset me every time there is a new development, but I do, I just can't help it.  I am upset at the situation that she has placed herself in and the decisions that she is making particularly because they do not just affect her.  I am also very frustrated because I am a do-er, I am a fix-er.  I want to fix everything and the problem is I can't fix anything.  And somehow I have turned someone else situation (and this is just the tip of the iceberg here) into an all about me situation.  I can't fix it.  I can't understand it.  I am upset and honestly I am a little bit angry.  I feel like every time that I try to start getting my life on track and I am making healthy decisions for me and my family things happen to derail that train.  I know that God has a purpose for all of this and some of it is to reiterate to me that its not about me.  Some of it is to reinforce this message that my hard headed self can't seem to grasp that I can't do it by myself and that is why I need to submit.  I feel like there is a bigger plan out there for me and possibly a much larger portion of my family in all of this.  We will see.

When you have another set back like this after having one so recently you wonder if you are making true progress.  I guess realizing you hit a brick wall much sooner is some form of progress, though that may have had nothing to do with me and a lot more to do with what Pastor Richard said and that look he gave me.  It all happens for a reason.  I just have to try to do better next time and try not to want to do it all.