I am Your Mother

Dear beautiful daughters of mine, Until you are blessed enough to have babies of your own you will never understand, and even then you may never understand the workings of my mind. Just like it says in the children's book I am your mother.  I am not one of those mothers who knew what motherhood was from conception.  I knew that I was woefully prepared for the task even before I met you, but that was okay.  I didn't know what motherhood was until I held you for the first time.  Not until the first time I lay awake at night and cried because I didn't know how to get you to sleep.  Not until we were on about our fifteenth dr.s appointment and everyone in the office already knew your name then I knew what it was like to be a mother.  I was a mother, down in the trenches, ready or not there I was.  Don't get me wrong I remember the feelings with both of you, the first kicks, first ultrasounds, hearing your heartbeats, the hiccups, and finding out you were both going to be girls.  All those moments were magical, but I didn't feel like a mother.  Not until I saw both pairs of beautiful eyes staring into mine wanting me to love you needing me to care for you.  With every hard moment I feel more and more like your mother and I don't think that will ever change.  Every time you are sick and I am the only one who can soothe you.  Every time you feel sad and broken and I can dig down and do something right, that makes me know I am your mother.  Sometimes being a mother is more physically, mentally, and emotionally more than I feel like I can handle.  But somehow I make it through.  You two are the reason I make it through.  Just a smile, an I love you, or a look at you sweet sleeping face no matter how much of a terror you were twenty minutes before.  You have also made me.  Now sometimes I look back and I can't remember who I was before I was a mother.  I know a lot of people say that it's not good to lose yourself in your kids and not live you own life.  But that's not how it happened in me.  I didn't lose myself in motherhood, I found myself.   I found so many things about myself I never knew.  So many different sides to myself.  I also rediscovered my faith with you two.  I feel like being a mother has made me more of myself than I could have ever been without you.  I'm not sure if it's seeing myself with you or seeing myself in you.  You make me crazier than I ever thought I could be, you are greatest thing that has ever happened to me and have been such a big blessing to my life.  Every shed tear (mine and yours), every sleepless night, every fight, every moment where I thought I couldn't do this; they are blessings all of them.  I cherish every moment with you even the hard ones where we both have tears streaking down our faces.  Some are a little easier to cherish later, but these are the moments that make us.  This love that binds us makes us, and you made me.  I am your mother. I love you.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.