Kindness and Forgiveness

Have you ever read a bible verse that just sticks with you?  How about attended a really powerful service where you knew the Holy Spirit was speaking directly to you, but you had to chew on it for a minute?  Then sometimes when you begin chewing you realize the two things have something in common. I just recently had a birthday, my 30th, which has caused a lot of contemplation.  I have realized that I am very happy where God has me right now.  My days aren't always easy and sometimes I feel like I can't even do it any more, but overall I am happy to be where I am.  God has been doing work with me and I feel like our relationship is better than ever before.  A week or so ago I read a bible verse in my nightly readings that has stuck with me ever since.  Luke 6:45 A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.  Ever since then I have been praying for God to grant me a kind heart so that could be what bubbles up out of my heart and comes out of my mouth.  The more I think about the things that come out of my mouth being a true reflection of what's in my heart the more I realize how much work I need God to do there.  I know that acknowledging that you have a problem is always the first step, but I don't always come off as a very kind person from my words.  A lot of that is because of my sarcasm and my snarky personality very little of it is said with actual malice.  But very little of it is actually kind.  The more I thought about that the sadder it made me, but I have realized that praying for God to grant me a kind heart is a step.  Continuing to spend time in his word daily is another step.  Then I went to my first Ash Wednesday service, and let me just say it was beautiful and the hymn standing in the need of prayer is so simple and so powerful.  It spoke to me exactly where I was.  I have never been to an Ash Wednesday service before I didn't know what it was, I've never observed the season of lent nor did I really understand what that was.  Sitting in that pew up front listening to the pastor tell us about how the period of lent is about so much more than giving up food and social media about how it is a time of deep introspection and preparation for the celebration of Easter.  He explained it is a time to look inside yourself to find those things that we need to work on to be closer to God and to truly be able to celebrate all that is Easter.  He mentioned forgiveness and how impactful that can be to unburdening the heart.  I knew right then that the message of forgiveness was for me and exactly who I needed to work on forgiving.  It took me until today to realize what that forgiveness and my prayer for a kind heart have in common. How can God ever hope to grant me a kind heart when I cannot let go of all the bitterness that is in my heart when I refuse to forgive? But forgiveness is hard, and the more those have hurt you and the people you love the harder that forgiveness is.  I do have a suspicion though that the harder forgiveness is to come by the more bitterness it stores up in your heart and the bigger a weight that will be lifted once you figure out how to forgive, but that's just a theory.  I have a sister who's unkindness and terrible life decisions have built up a lot of bitterness in my heart.  She has caused so much pain in the life of my mother, my other sisters, her children, and even me.  She has made so many bad decisions and every time one of us reaches out to help her it's never enough.  I have tried to just close off my heart to her, though I know that's not healthy, but I can't.  No matter what she has done, or how infuriated I become she is still my sister.  I think it would be so much easier to forgive her for the slights on me, it has always been the way that she has treated my mother that has caused me to harbor the most ill will towards her.  I have thought about this situation many times before, but before I have never been in a place where I have been ready to do something about it.  Now I feel like something is ready, maybe it is that desire for a kind heart.  The one that knows that no true kindness can come from a heart hiding so much bitterness.  Maybe that's what is allowing me to start this journey of forgiveness, that journey to unburden my heart.  It's not going to be easy and who knows if I will ever be able to get rid of all the bitterness.  I know I can't by myself, luckily I don't have to.  But it's time to try and to pray.  Pray that God will help me to forgive, to remove this bitterness from my heart, so that I can have a kind heart, and that kind words will come out of my mouth.  Who knows how long this process will take, I'm guessing a lot longer than 40 days, but you have to start somewhere.  It feels better already.