Our Baggage

The is something that I have been thinking pretty hard about since FCA on Thursday.  I have always known because of my family life and some of the things that I have been through that I came with a lot of baggage weighing me down.  Anxiety and depression are more bags that I carry around.  My self image and self worth issues also lay heavy on me.  I know that God is the only one who can remove these bags but sometimes it's not that easy.  I ask God to heal my heart and remove my baggage to glorify Him, but sometimes it feels like everytime I think one bag is gone and I turn around to find them all back on my shoulders.  Two things I know: one I have a tendency when things go too well to think I can do it alone and two someone once told me that if God keeps leading you back somewhere it means that you haven't finished dealing with it and He's going to help you.  I know that's true, but good gracious that doesn't make it any easier.
One of the biggest bags I carry is feeling like I'm not good enough, never good enough.  And sometimes it comes back so hard it slaps you in the face.  Sometimes I can hide my insecurities.  If you're not paying attention you won't notice that I deflect every compliment because I don't feel worth it, you won't notice that I shrink away from certain situations because I think that no one could ever care what I had to say, that I have nothing to offer.  After a while you get all the better at concealing these things with a sarcastic sense of humor or some other defense.
On Friday all of my insecurities hit me hard.  That morning was rough getting the girls and I ready and off to school while my husband was out of town, but we made it and I was determined to have a good day no matter what.  Around 11 that changed.  The daycare called my child was sick and I had to go.  After frantic instructions I rushed out the door to get my girl, her pediatrician is only open til 12 on fridays so I had to hurry.  I walked in daycare to a sad pitiful child.  I felt terrible.  She only told me one time that morning that her throat hurt, how was I to know.  But I'm the mom I'm always supposed to know.  We rushed to find at 11:25 for some reason her dr. was already closed.  After a brief panic to the urgent care we went.  To get there and find outta about 1 1/2 hour wait but what else was I to do.  By the time the nurse saw my sweet girl her temp had spiked to 102.6 and she told us she was going to find some Tylenol, the nurse didn't even leave the lab before the strep test was positive.  After a 2 1/2 hour venture where the dr. made me feel like I should have known earlier my child was sick, no one got lunch, and I cried alone in one of those rooms with my child we finally left.  I don't need other people to put those thoughts in my head, I have enough of them.  I never feel good enough for my girls.  I know for some reason I am the mom that they need, but that doesn't make me feel worthy or good at it.
In this Lenten season we keep talking at church about this being a time to prepare to receive Gods gifts, but that's so hard to do when you feel so unworthy.  God raises the dead and he can take my baggage, if I can figure out how to give it up and let him take it.  This makes me think of Matthew 11 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  All I can do is try everyday to give it up and trust because this is not what God wants for me.