When we Wrestle

In my book club this week we have started studying Habakkuk the wrestling prophet.  In the chapter about wrestling she begs us all to take a closer look at what type of wrestlers we are so we can better understand why we wrestle.  I have to admit sometimes it feels like I wrestle with God more often than I don't.  I don't know if that's because of the type of wrestler I discovered I am, if it's because I'm particularly hard headed, or if it because I'm still relatively new on this journey.  I have a suspicion that it is actually a combination of all of these things.  It seems that I am what she dubs a "research-a-nator".  I am very type A I like to know things and one of the first things that I do when something happens is look it up.  I think this is what drew me to the sciences.  There are so many things in life that you can't look up, that there are no concrete answers for.  When I don't understand I wrestle.  There is nothing wrong with wrestling with God.  A sentiment that her and my pastor share; God can handle it so go ahead be angry, yell, wrestle, do what you need to do.  It's ok to cry out to God.  Sometimes that is the only way that we can deal, that we can cope.  Just like Habakkuk I often find myself asking God why.  I often feel like my family gets more than it's fair share of heartache, but just like Habakkuk I'm probably not going to like the answer he gives me.  God can't start the true work in us until we stop wrestling and have faith.  I know that and it still doesn't stop the feelings.  Eventually Habakkuk was able to to surrender to God and something beautiful came out of that.  Maybe someday I will too, and he will be able to something come out of this.  Like our preacher tends to say in prayer "God please make it better and if not please make it count". I know everything is not going to be better all the time, so I am just praying He will make it count.