I've thought long and hard about scaring this struggle with others and here it goes. I realize that I am a very lucky girl and God has blessed me beyond measure. I have two wonderful and beautiful girls that the Lord has blessed me with. However when my husband and I always talked about our perfect family, the one that we wanted together, it always had the two of us with three kids, but now I'm pretty sure thats not going to happen.
With both of my girls it was so easy to get pregnant. I gave birth to both of my girls within a year of starting to try to conceive. I am well aware of how impressive that is and I am thankful for it. I will never know the pain of not being able to have a child, but I will always know the pain of not being able to have a child that I want, a large part of me still really wants that third baby. There is a huge part of me that just cannot imagine never carrying another life, never felling those kicks and hiccups from the inside. Especially since I was not prepared. I did not get to go into my last pregnancy knowing that it would be the last time for all of that. The last time I would hear the heartbeat for the first time and I would finally believe those three- four pregnancy tests I took, the last time I would catch that first peek of my baby on the ultrasound screen, or even the last time that I would hold and snuggle my newborn for the first time.
You may wonder why I feel like I have to live without baby number 3 if we had no problems conceiving. Well my first pregnancy was easy just like the conception. I had all the regular pregnancy symptoms, but they were mild and my pregnancy was easy. Besides the fact that I was leaking my water for days and had no idea, which lead to endometritis, and and unscheduled induction. My little girl was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and not breathing. Thank God about five minutes later they were able to tell me that she was breathing again and healthy. My second pregnancy was nothing like the first, they say that they never are.
My second pregnancy was traumatic. About four to six weeks after I found out I was pregnant my dad passed away and I knew then that this would be a difficult time, but I had no idea. I had morning sickness that would not end, even after the first trimester. That was just the beginning. Around 14 or 15 weeks I started having problems. Around 17 weeks I was taken out of work indefinitely, just a little secret I wouldn't go back until after her birth. At about 19 weeks after seeing a cardiologist I was diagnosed with something called POTS. This meant that every time I stood my heart rate would shoot up and my bp would bottom out. I came very close to passing out numerous times. I can even remember holding on to the walls at school trying to walk down the hall and not pass out. Well the cardiologist was not comfortable giving me any of the meds to combat this while I was pregnant, so I had to deal with it the best that I could and stay out of work. No one knows why this happened to me all they were able to tell me is that my body had a hard time handling my pregnancy so it responded to it like it sometimes does to a major trauma and that was the POTS. This pregnancy was horrible from the beginning to the end.
The doctors don't know what made my body respond this way and they do not know whether or not it will happen again. I cannot risk it. This condition has a tendency to worsen and last longer, maybe not even going away, with every subsequent pregnancy. I cannot risk another debilitating pregnancy. I cannot risk not being able to care for myself or the two children that I already have. As much as I want that third baby what if that baby makes it so that I cannot care for that child or the ones that I already have? My girls don't deserve that. I feel like my last pregnancy was God's way of telling me that this is it for me. He has other plans for me and it doesn't involve me having another baby. I am still waiting to see what his plan is and I am constantly praying that God will remind me that this is the best and the right decision for my whole family and sometimes he does that in little ways that I cannot help but notice.
I feel certain that when I get those little nudges that is him following through on those prayers. Like when I had a moment this morning where I was trying to figure out why I was so tired. Well my one year old still doesn't sleep through the night. Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that what I have is enough and one day if another child is meant to find its way into my life by whatever means that God has planned it will happen.
Some days I am completely ok with this decision and some days especially now that my baby is already 1, I have a yearning so deep I don't know if I can stand it. Life is all about the hard choices.
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