I think I may have always known this. Life has way of teaching it to you way too early when your life should still be full of nothing but magic and wonder. Yesterday was one of my lowest points in a long time and for a minute it broke me and that was God's intent. Some people think that God isn't that cruel and if thats how you feel then you don't understand the point or the so many points. God doesn't break me down to be cruel God breaks me down to teach me and build me back up. I think that there are so many things that He is trying to teach me sometimes. So many things that it is so easy to forget. I feel like everything is easy to forget when you are chasing after a toddler and a preschooler. Sometimes I forget to savor the moment.
The beautiful moments: There are so many beautiful moments that I will never get back. The way my girls need me can be so suffocating at times but it can also be so beautiful. One day my babies wont cling to my lap when their world is wrong, and one day when their world is wrong their problems will be so much bigger, but something that won't change is me not knowing what to do about it. Watching my girls learn new things and discover the world is also so beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. I love watching their smiles, and their eyes light up, and their true excitement. Sometimes the learn and grow so fast that it is easy for me to forget they are just babies, it is easy to expect too much from them. They are smart and beautiful girls, but they are still learning and growing and I am here to teach them. If they knew everything already why would I be here to teach them. Motherhood is the best part of my life and by far the most traumatic. Even knowing my whole life that I wanted to be a mother you get thrown into it so suddenly. Those nine months do very little to prepare you for it. There is no instruction manual, no matter how much you read about parenting. You will never be prepared for the awe and the wonder of staring into your daughters' eyes, or watching them as they sleep. You will never be prepared for the way that your heart can melt just by seeing them play together, or when you two year old starts telling you that she loves you regularly. The way that your four year old will look at you for your approval after everything that she does. There is also nothing that will prepare you for the first time your child says your mean or Rorey's favorite right now "I not love you right now mommy". The first time that your child yells at you to leave them alone or slams the door in your face. And it is my job to teach them that these are not acceptable behaviors and there are better ways to to express the way that you are feeling, but I have to remind myself that sometimes little girls have big girl emotions and they have to learn how to deal with those. It will be a process. I know that even at 30 I don't always know how to deal with my big girl emotions.
Being a mother is so hard sometimes. The burden is so heavy when you get caught up in what you feel like are your duties. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by expectations. My high expectations of myself as a mother. All the things I want to emulate, all the things that I want to try to do better than what Ive seen. Sometimes I get caught up in what I feel like others expect of me. Even without anyone saying anything to you in this culture as a mom there is such a weight of what we feel like other people expect us to do and even how we think others expect us to do it. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the hard especially this time of the year that I forget to just breath. To give myself a break. To cut myself a break. To lower my expectations. Sometimes I just need to stop and play with my girls. Sometimes I need to lay in the floor and cry about not knowing what to do. Sometimes breaking down is the best way to realize how beautiful your life is, the wonder in this small part of the world around you. When things are going wrong and your whole life is turned upside down its hard to see the beauty, but maybe thats why it happens sometimes.
Super Girls
These are my two beautiful girls 1 and 3
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
A Week Full of THOSE Days
I thought hard about how transparent I wanted to be with this and decided to go for it. I started this to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. So it's no secret this has probably been the hardest week of my life, at the very least top five, and because it is the freshest it seems the worst. Today started on a great note. My little one finally got the good test results that we have been hoping for since Sunday. She has not handled her surgery well and her not wanting to eat or drink left her dehydrated and on the brink of being admitted to the hospital. So these results this morning and the progress of her healing were wonderful news. I was so hopeful that meant that things were going to start looking up. I even told myself not to get too hopeful things will not magically be better because her test results came back good.
I was home with both girls by myself all day today. My husband moved into football camp Sunday not to move back home until Friday, and there was no point in sending my youngest to half day daycare when we had to go take our family football pictures around 11 this morning. And boy was that fun. Both of my girls were ill as snakes, and I wasn't in the best mood either. Sometimes I think seeing their daddy just for a minute when they know he's not coming home makes the, more ill. And Quinn though she is feeling so much better is still having a time getting her sensitive tummy straightened back out after her surgery and the string pain meds. We did manage to look like a happy presentable family at least for a minute, despite all that and the poor amount of sleep Quinn and I have both been getting. We were then able to go get the pizza that is the on,y thing my post-op child wants to eat and come home, with only a few tantrums from my youngest. I got them to eat and lay down for a nap with no major event, I should have known then. I even managed to get a minute for myself to do some things I needed to get done while they were both napping.
Then they were done napping and it's like my world fell apart. Quinn has woken up from her naps screaming for several days now, but refuses to talk to me about it. She woke up in a terror. My child is no angel, but for the most part she's pretty well behaved. I mean she's four and sometimes she has to be told to turn down the attitude, but she's pretty good. Today she yelled and screamed in my face, made demands, tried to bust down her door, and screamed and hollered so hard I thought she was going to bust a stitch. I know some of it is my fault. I know that my patience is not at its best right now, I'm not being as rational with her as I usually am. I'm sure I could have diffused the situation in my normal capacity, but I guess we will never know. But I tried everything that normally works with Quinn. But what it ended up with was yelling, tantrums, and tears from both of us. It all culminated with me breaking and I just lay in my daughters doorway and cried. Like full on ugly cry, I couldn't even talk. My youngest was so confused and upset. Eventually that sent both of us to our own corners where I could shove huge amounts of carbs in my face, because it's the on,y way I knew how to cope with what just happened. After some time all was resolved. I don't know how she and I got to the point we got to. I do know for certain it won't be the last time. I also am not quite certain what I am supposed to learn about what happened.
What I do know is that God only breaks you down to build you up more like Him. So that's what I have to hope is happening because there has been a lot of breaking down this week. I know that Gid will bring me out of this more the person He desires me to be. I just don't know why it has to be so hard or why it has to hurt so much.
Quinn is currently sleeping in her own bed for the first time in a week. It may not last all night, but hopefully if she and I can get more sleep we can make it at least until Saturday when my husband can be there to mediate.
I was home with both girls by myself all day today. My husband moved into football camp Sunday not to move back home until Friday, and there was no point in sending my youngest to half day daycare when we had to go take our family football pictures around 11 this morning. And boy was that fun. Both of my girls were ill as snakes, and I wasn't in the best mood either. Sometimes I think seeing their daddy just for a minute when they know he's not coming home makes the, more ill. And Quinn though she is feeling so much better is still having a time getting her sensitive tummy straightened back out after her surgery and the string pain meds. We did manage to look like a happy presentable family at least for a minute, despite all that and the poor amount of sleep Quinn and I have both been getting. We were then able to go get the pizza that is the on,y thing my post-op child wants to eat and come home, with only a few tantrums from my youngest. I got them to eat and lay down for a nap with no major event, I should have known then. I even managed to get a minute for myself to do some things I needed to get done while they were both napping.
Then they were done napping and it's like my world fell apart. Quinn has woken up from her naps screaming for several days now, but refuses to talk to me about it. She woke up in a terror. My child is no angel, but for the most part she's pretty well behaved. I mean she's four and sometimes she has to be told to turn down the attitude, but she's pretty good. Today she yelled and screamed in my face, made demands, tried to bust down her door, and screamed and hollered so hard I thought she was going to bust a stitch. I know some of it is my fault. I know that my patience is not at its best right now, I'm not being as rational with her as I usually am. I'm sure I could have diffused the situation in my normal capacity, but I guess we will never know. But I tried everything that normally works with Quinn. But what it ended up with was yelling, tantrums, and tears from both of us. It all culminated with me breaking and I just lay in my daughters doorway and cried. Like full on ugly cry, I couldn't even talk. My youngest was so confused and upset. Eventually that sent both of us to our own corners where I could shove huge amounts of carbs in my face, because it's the on,y way I knew how to cope with what just happened. After some time all was resolved. I don't know how she and I got to the point we got to. I do know for certain it won't be the last time. I also am not quite certain what I am supposed to learn about what happened.
What I do know is that God only breaks you down to build you up more like Him. So that's what I have to hope is happening because there has been a lot of breaking down this week. I know that Gid will bring me out of this more the person He desires me to be. I just don't know why it has to be so hard or why it has to hurt so much.
Quinn is currently sleeping in her own bed for the first time in a week. It may not last all night, but hopefully if she and I can get more sleep we can make it at least until Saturday when my husband can be there to mediate.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
In the Hard Times
My four year-old daughter got her tonsils out on Thursday, so we are on day three of the recovery. This has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I don't for a minute question the decision that we made to get them taken out. Even with her not being sick at the time her tonsils were infected at the time of removal. According to the dr. her surgery went great. Her recovery has been so hard. First of all you know how hard it is to see someone you love hurting especially when you know there's not really anything that you can do about it. It is so much worse when it's your child. That sweet innocent face in so much pain, and so upset. There have been quite a few tears shed in these three days and not all of them were hers. She has also been so angry, and I know that mostly from the pain and her not understanding what's going on, but that doesn't help me. Yesterday she had a good day and now I feel like it has just given me some false hope and made today harder to deal with. Yesterday she played some and ate by choice, she remained hydrated. Today I had to threaten not to be with her just to get her to eat anything all day and I had to explain that she would have to go back and stay at the hospital if she wouldn't drink more for me while I stood over her to make it happen. All she has done today is sleep and be ugly. Which is not bringing out the best side of me. I had done ok until this evening and then I feel like I broke. After her asking me to go get her something to eat then her refusing to eat it again after stopping to get medicine to make her tummy ache feel better and her refusing to take it, but her following me around grabbing on to my legs, I had to close myself in the bathroom and cry. Just like that first day I started to pray. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to make it better. God give me strength to be her strength. Give me peace in the situations I cannot change. Please God help to lighten my load, I need you to carry it because I can't. In my head I know that all this is probably normal. In recovery you have better days and worse days, but knowing and feeling aren't always the same. I know that God will give me the strength and the direction I need.
Tonight I was reading in Amos for a Sunday School class I probably won't attend tomorrow and I feel like some of that reading is applicable here. In Amos it talks about how no disaster will fall on a city without God knowing. God knows everything that happens and it is all a part of His divine plan, even this. I know that God has a purpose for all the things that we go through. That knowledge may not always make it easier to walk through these times. It may not keep me from hiding in the bathroom to cry because I'm at my wits end. But what it does is that it keeps me praying. While I'm crying in the bathroom I prayed. While I lay awake during the night because neither of us can sleep, I prayed. And tonight before I go to sleep I will pray. I will try to be grateful, but above all I will be honest and humble. The hard times happen for a reason and God is with me.
Tonight I was reading in Amos for a Sunday School class I probably won't attend tomorrow and I feel like some of that reading is applicable here. In Amos it talks about how no disaster will fall on a city without God knowing. God knows everything that happens and it is all a part of His divine plan, even this. I know that God has a purpose for all the things that we go through. That knowledge may not always make it easier to walk through these times. It may not keep me from hiding in the bathroom to cry because I'm at my wits end. But what it does is that it keeps me praying. While I'm crying in the bathroom I prayed. While I lay awake during the night because neither of us can sleep, I prayed. And tonight before I go to sleep I will pray. I will try to be grateful, but above all I will be honest and humble. The hard times happen for a reason and God is with me.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
The Why's
Sometimes in life it's just one thing after another and another and another. I don't even know if anyone can stop themselves from the why's. God why me? God why is this happening? God why do I deserve this? Why? Why? Why? I can just imagine God up there shaking his head at me right now thinking that I'm not getting the point. God never forgets about me now matter what I may think in the moment. And my God is such an awesome God that he doesn't mind being like hey I know this sucks, but I'm still right here. I don't hear Him speak to me in those words, but when a particularly powerful song comes on the radio or after things when your child lays their head on you and says I love you momma. That's when my heart feels His presence. This when I start to get the point and I imagine Him smiling down on me like I smile sat my girls. It's not about me. I think I need to tell myself that again. ITS NOT ABOUT ME. I don't know if my hard headed self well ever truly get it. But it's not about me it's about Him. I may not understand the why's, but I'm not supposed to. It's not about me. Today might still suck, but I guarantee it will be better if I can quit thinking about me.
"Eye Of The Storm"
(feat. GabeReal) Ryan Stevenson
"Eye Of The Storm"
(feat. GabeReal) Ryan Stevenson
In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
And in the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
When the solid ground is falling out from underneath my feet
Between the black skies, and my red eyes, I can barely see
When I realize I've been sold out by my friends and my family
I can feel the rain reminding me
In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name
In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)
When the test comes in and the doctor says I've only got a few months left
It's like a bitter pill I'm swallowing; I can barely take a breath
And when addiction steals my baby girl, and there's nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You
I trust You, Lord
In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah) You remain in control
In the middle of the war (middle of the war), You guard my soul (yeah!)
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (yeah!)
In the eye of the storm, You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war (in the middle of the war), You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm, oooh
Oh, in the eye of, oh, in the eye of the storm
I know You're watching me, yea, ay
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone, Lord)
When my flesh is failing, You're still holding on, oh whoa
When the storm is raging (the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and all my hope is gone)
When my flesh is failing (my flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, oooh
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone)
Even when my flesh is failing (flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, holding on
The Lord is my Shepherd
I have all that I need
He lets me rest in green meadows
He leads me beside peaceful streams
He renews my strength
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His Name
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid
For You are close beside me
And in the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
When the solid ground is falling out from underneath my feet
Between the black skies, and my red eyes, I can barely see
When I realize I've been sold out by my friends and my family
I can feel the rain reminding me
In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name
In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)
When the test comes in and the doctor says I've only got a few months left
It's like a bitter pill I'm swallowing; I can barely take a breath
And when addiction steals my baby girl, and there's nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You
I trust You, Lord
In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah) You remain in control
In the middle of the war (middle of the war), You guard my soul (yeah!)
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (yeah!)
In the eye of the storm, You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war (in the middle of the war), You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm, oooh
Oh, in the eye of, oh, in the eye of the storm
I know You're watching me, yea, ay
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone, Lord)
When my flesh is failing, You're still holding on, oh whoa
When the storm is raging (the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and all my hope is gone)
When my flesh is failing (my flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, oooh
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone)
Even when my flesh is failing (flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, holding on
The Lord is my Shepherd
I have all that I need
He lets me rest in green meadows
He leads me beside peaceful streams
He renews my strength
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His Name
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid
For You are close beside me
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Sharing the Burden
Sometimes in the middle of a sermon it is like the preacher is speaking straight to your heart. When the preacher starts talking about those who have the disease where you have to do everything yourself I knew that message was for me. Straight from God's lips. This is always something that I have struggled. For too long in my life if I didn't do it then it didn't get done. And right now I am starting to think that maybe thats ok. Maybe its okay when things don't always get done, or maybe not to my liking. Life can be such a burden when you feel like you have to do it all yourself, but this morning at church has been an exhibit for sharing the burden.
It started off with a wonderful Sunday school class where the four of us got to share our opinions and for none of us to be burdened by carrying the load, we all got to share. Then in the service I got to witness our congregation ban together as the family I think of us as to pray for one of our members who is having a tough time right now. As we all laid ours hands on each other we were praying together and offering to try to share the burden that she and her family are facing the best that we can. In the sermon today the preacher said something that I had never thought about when talking about Matthew 11:28-30 (“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”) He told us to think about a yoke. A yoke connects two animals together so that they can share the burden of the work. These to animals work together to help each other get the task done. In this verse Jesus is offering to be tied to the yoke with us and to carry that burden. Just like in Sunday school we talked about how Ruth was eventually able to pull Naomi out of her bitterness. Christians are supposed to live their lives in fellowship with each other and to help carry the burdens of our brethren. Just like what happened in my church this morning we are willing to take up the other side of the yoke when we can to lighten the load. Of course Jesus is much better at lightening the load than we are, but I don't know about you, I could certainly use any burden lightening that I can get.
That visual image of Jesus carrying the yoke with me and taking the burden off my shoulders was so powerful for me. Its like I could actually feel it lifting that burden off of me. The other part of that was so touching to me was just to hear him talk about some of the way that we can lighten the burden and sometimes that can be as simple as with kindness. This is something that I really struggle with. On the inside I am a caring person, but outward kind words and other displays of kindness are not my strong suit, but this is what God is calling me to work on. If I can be kind to help lighten the load then that is what I need to do and sometimes it doesn't matter, it can be left undone.
All through the sermon this Crowder song played in my head:
It started off with a wonderful Sunday school class where the four of us got to share our opinions and for none of us to be burdened by carrying the load, we all got to share. Then in the service I got to witness our congregation ban together as the family I think of us as to pray for one of our members who is having a tough time right now. As we all laid ours hands on each other we were praying together and offering to try to share the burden that she and her family are facing the best that we can. In the sermon today the preacher said something that I had never thought about when talking about Matthew 11:28-30 (“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”) He told us to think about a yoke. A yoke connects two animals together so that they can share the burden of the work. These to animals work together to help each other get the task done. In this verse Jesus is offering to be tied to the yoke with us and to carry that burden. Just like in Sunday school we talked about how Ruth was eventually able to pull Naomi out of her bitterness. Christians are supposed to live their lives in fellowship with each other and to help carry the burdens of our brethren. Just like what happened in my church this morning we are willing to take up the other side of the yoke when we can to lighten the load. Of course Jesus is much better at lightening the load than we are, but I don't know about you, I could certainly use any burden lightening that I can get.
That visual image of Jesus carrying the yoke with me and taking the burden off my shoulders was so powerful for me. Its like I could actually feel it lifting that burden off of me. The other part of that was so touching to me was just to hear him talk about some of the way that we can lighten the burden and sometimes that can be as simple as with kindness. This is something that I really struggle with. On the inside I am a caring person, but outward kind words and other displays of kindness are not my strong suit, but this is what God is calling me to work on. If I can be kind to help lighten the load then that is what I need to do and sometimes it doesn't matter, it can be left undone.
All through the sermon this Crowder song played in my head:
Crowder – Come As You Are Lyrics
Come out of sadness from wherever you've been
Come broken-hearted, let rescue begin
Come find your mercy, oh sinner come Kneelkneal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal
So Lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are
There's hope for the hopeless and all those who've strayed
Come sit at the table, come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary, rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't cure.
So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are...
Come as you are...
Fall in His arms...
Come as you are...
There's joy for the morning, oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal
So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh
Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh
Come as you are
Come as you are
Come broken-hearted, let rescue begin
Come find your mercy, oh sinner come Kneelkneal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal
So Lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are
There's hope for the hopeless and all those who've strayed
Come sit at the table, come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary, rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't cure.
So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are...
Come as you are...
Fall in His arms...
Come as you are...
There's joy for the morning, oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal
So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh
Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh
Come as you are
Come as you are
Friday, June 30, 2017
An Unconventional Love Story
In about a week and a half my husband and I will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary, and it's got me thinking. Ours is an unconventional love story that started long before we said I DO 7 years ago.
It all started when I was 15. I had a friend come up to me and pull me aside to tell me that this guy who hung around with her boyfriend liked me, and I should go out with him. My response was something to the effect of: that guy, he never talks. I don't think that we had ever had a full conversation before that. She did some convincing and I figured, why not, he was cute and no guy had ever wanted to go out with me before. Oh how awkward that beginning was. Of course aren't they all in high school? We started "going out" the day before Christmas break and I pretty sure I didn't talk to him until we came back to school two weeks later. I started to wonder if I had made it up, so I didn't tell anyone. I was 16 and it was five or six months later before we went out on our first date. We went and walked around the mall talking for hours it seems. He was all of my firsts. My first date. The first guy I held hands with. My first kiss and it only took us about a year of dating before I let him kiss me. There were plenty of other awkward moments along the way. Like when I ignored him the first time that he told me that he loved me because it terrified me. I think I was sixteen, and I know that I was jaded after seeing some of the relationships that I had seen. On top of that even then I knew this was special at least as much as you can at that age. We dated through the rest of high school, through the good times and the bad. Through my husbands tough times at school. Through my first year in college where I was miserable being 3+ hours away from him. I remember the promise ring that he gave me when I went away to school. I remember the two proms that we went to together and the way my mother looked at me when I came home with blue hair to go to his senior prom.
When I came home from college that summer I lived in his moms house, because they had a spare bedroom for me. Everything got so much easier when he moved to Clemson that fall. In my junior year at Clemson we went to a concert and toward the end he told me that he had planned to propose to me, without a ring, if they played my favorite song. The encore that they played right after that included my favorite song of course. Then I had to explain to him that he needed a ring no matter how cheap and I wanted him to ask my mom first. I remember the day that he called my mom, and then he told me he talked to her. My response of course was to ask him if he was going to propose to me now or what. And he did right there in his room in his apartment because we do everything super romantic. Then we spent about another 2.5 years engaged before we got married.
Before our wedding I cried because nothing turned out the way that I wanted it. Once I began the walk down the aisle toward him none of that mattered. None of the craziness of that day mattered because at the end we were married. We were in our awkward love story.
This love story that eventually got to include my two girls. The first of which I had to tell him it was time for whether he was ready or not. Thankfully before I got pregnant with her he got the job that made him feel like maybe we could do it. And we have. Our love story may not be what some people think or expect, but it has kept us happily together fro going on 15 years, which is half my life. I couldn't imagine what it would be like not to do everyday with him and the beautiful children he helped me to create. This is our not so perfect unconventional love story, and I wouldnt have it any other way.
It all started when I was 15. I had a friend come up to me and pull me aside to tell me that this guy who hung around with her boyfriend liked me, and I should go out with him. My response was something to the effect of: that guy, he never talks. I don't think that we had ever had a full conversation before that. She did some convincing and I figured, why not, he was cute and no guy had ever wanted to go out with me before. Oh how awkward that beginning was. Of course aren't they all in high school? We started "going out" the day before Christmas break and I pretty sure I didn't talk to him until we came back to school two weeks later. I started to wonder if I had made it up, so I didn't tell anyone. I was 16 and it was five or six months later before we went out on our first date. We went and walked around the mall talking for hours it seems. He was all of my firsts. My first date. The first guy I held hands with. My first kiss and it only took us about a year of dating before I let him kiss me. There were plenty of other awkward moments along the way. Like when I ignored him the first time that he told me that he loved me because it terrified me. I think I was sixteen, and I know that I was jaded after seeing some of the relationships that I had seen. On top of that even then I knew this was special at least as much as you can at that age. We dated through the rest of high school, through the good times and the bad. Through my husbands tough times at school. Through my first year in college where I was miserable being 3+ hours away from him. I remember the promise ring that he gave me when I went away to school. I remember the two proms that we went to together and the way my mother looked at me when I came home with blue hair to go to his senior prom.
When I came home from college that summer I lived in his moms house, because they had a spare bedroom for me. Everything got so much easier when he moved to Clemson that fall. In my junior year at Clemson we went to a concert and toward the end he told me that he had planned to propose to me, without a ring, if they played my favorite song. The encore that they played right after that included my favorite song of course. Then I had to explain to him that he needed a ring no matter how cheap and I wanted him to ask my mom first. I remember the day that he called my mom, and then he told me he talked to her. My response of course was to ask him if he was going to propose to me now or what. And he did right there in his room in his apartment because we do everything super romantic. Then we spent about another 2.5 years engaged before we got married.
Before our wedding I cried because nothing turned out the way that I wanted it. Once I began the walk down the aisle toward him none of that mattered. None of the craziness of that day mattered because at the end we were married. We were in our awkward love story.
This love story that eventually got to include my two girls. The first of which I had to tell him it was time for whether he was ready or not. Thankfully before I got pregnant with her he got the job that made him feel like maybe we could do it. And we have. Our love story may not be what some people think or expect, but it has kept us happily together fro going on 15 years, which is half my life. I couldn't imagine what it would be like not to do everyday with him and the beautiful children he helped me to create. This is our not so perfect unconventional love story, and I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
My heart
I haven't known what to say lately. I feel like I've been in a weird place. I feel isolated, disconnected. I feel disconnected from myself, those around me, even God within me. It is hard feeling to deal with especially when you don't know where to start.
In the past week or so I've gotten to hear a lot about the heart nod it has gotten me thinking. I have gotten to hear about how a sinful heart is what separates you from God, about how your heart is the true master of your tongue (so if you ant to know the true state of your heart all you have to do is listen to hat comes out of your mouth), and then today about what kind of soil is there in your heart for God to plant his message in.
Well I can tell you one thing for certain based on what comes out of my mouth there are some very unkind and hard feelings in my heart. I know that there is not nearly enough kindness coming from my heart out of my mouth. In truth there is an awful lot of ugly coming out of there sometimes and what does that say about my heart? And is this ugliness what is making me feel so separated.
Today the preacher talked about the parable where the seeds are sown in different soils, and he asked us what kind of soil we had in our heart? With all the contemplation I have been doing about the state of my heart lately that was a particularly poignant question. Is my heart th path where the birds are eating up the seeds as soon as they are thrown? Is it the rocky soil where the seed takes hod for a minute then the sun burns it up because it has no roots? Is it the soil where anything that starts to grow there gets choked out by the thorns of life? I know that right now it is not the good soil where the seeds take hold an flourish. The more I think about it the more convinced I am that every time something beautiful starts growing in there all the thorns of life just choke any life out of those poor seeds. I feel like in my life right now I am so burdened by the suffering of others. So many in my life right now are hurting and I can't fix it. (I am a fixer). Not being able to make things better for them, and yet feeling like I should be able to adds a torn to my heart for each one of them. What feels like serious lack of progress in my spiritual life adds thorns to my heart. Every time I think about one of the ways in which I am not a good enough person it's like it adds another thorn. Another source of these thorns in my life are all of the comparisons that I keep telling myself I'm going to stop making. And lastly is my lack of trust. When I cannot simply trust God, that doubt chokes out another seed that has been planted.
Honestly I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm supposed to do about these things that I have realized, but asking God to weed the garden of my heart cannot be a bad place to start.
In the past week or so I've gotten to hear a lot about the heart nod it has gotten me thinking. I have gotten to hear about how a sinful heart is what separates you from God, about how your heart is the true master of your tongue (so if you ant to know the true state of your heart all you have to do is listen to hat comes out of your mouth), and then today about what kind of soil is there in your heart for God to plant his message in.
Well I can tell you one thing for certain based on what comes out of my mouth there are some very unkind and hard feelings in my heart. I know that there is not nearly enough kindness coming from my heart out of my mouth. In truth there is an awful lot of ugly coming out of there sometimes and what does that say about my heart? And is this ugliness what is making me feel so separated.
Today the preacher talked about the parable where the seeds are sown in different soils, and he asked us what kind of soil we had in our heart? With all the contemplation I have been doing about the state of my heart lately that was a particularly poignant question. Is my heart th path where the birds are eating up the seeds as soon as they are thrown? Is it the rocky soil where the seed takes hod for a minute then the sun burns it up because it has no roots? Is it the soil where anything that starts to grow there gets choked out by the thorns of life? I know that right now it is not the good soil where the seeds take hold an flourish. The more I think about it the more convinced I am that every time something beautiful starts growing in there all the thorns of life just choke any life out of those poor seeds. I feel like in my life right now I am so burdened by the suffering of others. So many in my life right now are hurting and I can't fix it. (I am a fixer). Not being able to make things better for them, and yet feeling like I should be able to adds a torn to my heart for each one of them. What feels like serious lack of progress in my spiritual life adds thorns to my heart. Every time I think about one of the ways in which I am not a good enough person it's like it adds another thorn. Another source of these thorns in my life are all of the comparisons that I keep telling myself I'm going to stop making. And lastly is my lack of trust. When I cannot simply trust God, that doubt chokes out another seed that has been planted.
Honestly I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm supposed to do about these things that I have realized, but asking God to weed the garden of my heart cannot be a bad place to start.
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