I thought hard about how transparent I wanted to be with this and decided to go for it. I started this to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. So it's no secret this has probably been the hardest week of my life, at the very least top five, and because it is the freshest it seems the worst. Today started on a great note. My little one finally got the good test results that we have been hoping for since Sunday. She has not handled her surgery well and her not wanting to eat or drink left her dehydrated and on the brink of being admitted to the hospital. So these results this morning and the progress of her healing were wonderful news. I was so hopeful that meant that things were going to start looking up. I even told myself not to get too hopeful things will not magically be better because her test results came back good.
I was home with both girls by myself all day today. My husband moved into football camp Sunday not to move back home until Friday, and there was no point in sending my youngest to half day daycare when we had to go take our family football pictures around 11 this morning. And boy was that fun. Both of my girls were ill as snakes, and I wasn't in the best mood either. Sometimes I think seeing their daddy just for a minute when they know he's not coming home makes the, more ill. And Quinn though she is feeling so much better is still having a time getting her sensitive tummy straightened back out after her surgery and the string pain meds. We did manage to look like a happy presentable family at least for a minute, despite all that and the poor amount of sleep Quinn and I have both been getting. We were then able to go get the pizza that is the on,y thing my post-op child wants to eat and come home, with only a few tantrums from my youngest. I got them to eat and lay down for a nap with no major event, I should have known then. I even managed to get a minute for myself to do some things I needed to get done while they were both napping.
Then they were done napping and it's like my world fell apart. Quinn has woken up from her naps screaming for several days now, but refuses to talk to me about it. She woke up in a terror. My child is no angel, but for the most part she's pretty well behaved. I mean she's four and sometimes she has to be told to turn down the attitude, but she's pretty good. Today she yelled and screamed in my face, made demands, tried to bust down her door, and screamed and hollered so hard I thought she was going to bust a stitch. I know some of it is my fault. I know that my patience is not at its best right now, I'm not being as rational with her as I usually am. I'm sure I could have diffused the situation in my normal capacity, but I guess we will never know. But I tried everything that normally works with Quinn. But what it ended up with was yelling, tantrums, and tears from both of us. It all culminated with me breaking and I just lay in my daughters doorway and cried. Like full on ugly cry, I couldn't even talk. My youngest was so confused and upset. Eventually that sent both of us to our own corners where I could shove huge amounts of carbs in my face, because it's the on,y way I knew how to cope with what just happened. After some time all was resolved. I don't know how she and I got to the point we got to. I do know for certain it won't be the last time. I also am not quite certain what I am supposed to learn about what happened.
What I do know is that God only breaks you down to build you up more like Him. So that's what I have to hope is happening because there has been a lot of breaking down this week. I know that Gid will bring me out of this more the person He desires me to be. I just don't know why it has to be so hard or why it has to hurt so much.
Quinn is currently sleeping in her own bed for the first time in a week. It may not last all night, but hopefully if she and I can get more sleep we can make it at least until Saturday when my husband can be there to mediate.
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