I think I may have always known this. Life has way of teaching it to you way too early when your life should still be full of nothing but magic and wonder. Yesterday was one of my lowest points in a long time and for a minute it broke me and that was God's intent. Some people think that God isn't that cruel and if thats how you feel then you don't understand the point or the so many points. God doesn't break me down to be cruel God breaks me down to teach me and build me back up. I think that there are so many things that He is trying to teach me sometimes. So many things that it is so easy to forget. I feel like everything is easy to forget when you are chasing after a toddler and a preschooler. Sometimes I forget to savor the moment.
The beautiful moments: There are so many beautiful moments that I will never get back. The way my girls need me can be so suffocating at times but it can also be so beautiful. One day my babies wont cling to my lap when their world is wrong, and one day when their world is wrong their problems will be so much bigger, but something that won't change is me not knowing what to do about it. Watching my girls learn new things and discover the world is also so beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. I love watching their smiles, and their eyes light up, and their true excitement. Sometimes the learn and grow so fast that it is easy for me to forget they are just babies, it is easy to expect too much from them. They are smart and beautiful girls, but they are still learning and growing and I am here to teach them. If they knew everything already why would I be here to teach them. Motherhood is the best part of my life and by far the most traumatic. Even knowing my whole life that I wanted to be a mother you get thrown into it so suddenly. Those nine months do very little to prepare you for it. There is no instruction manual, no matter how much you read about parenting. You will never be prepared for the awe and the wonder of staring into your daughters' eyes, or watching them as they sleep. You will never be prepared for the way that your heart can melt just by seeing them play together, or when you two year old starts telling you that she loves you regularly. The way that your four year old will look at you for your approval after everything that she does. There is also nothing that will prepare you for the first time your child says your mean or Rorey's favorite right now "I not love you right now mommy". The first time that your child yells at you to leave them alone or slams the door in your face. And it is my job to teach them that these are not acceptable behaviors and there are better ways to to express the way that you are feeling, but I have to remind myself that sometimes little girls have big girl emotions and they have to learn how to deal with those. It will be a process. I know that even at 30 I don't always know how to deal with my big girl emotions.
Being a mother is so hard sometimes. The burden is so heavy when you get caught up in what you feel like are your duties. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by expectations. My high expectations of myself as a mother. All the things I want to emulate, all the things that I want to try to do better than what Ive seen. Sometimes I get caught up in what I feel like others expect of me. Even without anyone saying anything to you in this culture as a mom there is such a weight of what we feel like other people expect us to do and even how we think others expect us to do it. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in the hard especially this time of the year that I forget to just breath. To give myself a break. To cut myself a break. To lower my expectations. Sometimes I just need to stop and play with my girls. Sometimes I need to lay in the floor and cry about not knowing what to do. Sometimes breaking down is the best way to realize how beautiful your life is, the wonder in this small part of the world around you. When things are going wrong and your whole life is turned upside down its hard to see the beauty, but maybe thats why it happens sometimes.
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