My heart

I haven't known what to say lately.  I feel like I've been in a weird place.  I feel isolated, disconnected.    I feel disconnected from myself, those around me, even God within me.  It is hard feeling to deal with especially when you don't know where to start.
In the past week or so I've gotten to hear a lot about the heart nod it has gotten me thinking.  I have gotten to hear about how a sinful heart is what separates you from God, about how your heart is the true master of your tongue (so if you ant to know the true state of your heart all you have to do is listen to hat comes out of your mouth), and then today about what kind of soil is there in your heart for God to plant his message in.
Well I can tell you one thing for certain based on what comes out of my mouth there are some very unkind and hard feelings in my heart.  I know that there is not nearly enough kindness coming from my heart out of my mouth.  In truth there is an awful lot of ugly coming out of there sometimes and what does that say about my heart?  And is this ugliness what is making me feel so separated.
Today the preacher talked about the parable where the seeds are sown in different soils, and he asked us what kind of soil we had in our heart?  With all the contemplation I have been doing about the state of my heart lately that was a particularly poignant question.  Is my heart th path where the birds are eating up the seeds as soon as they are thrown?  Is it the rocky soil where the seed takes hod for a minute then the sun burns it up because it has no roots?  Is it the soil where anything that starts to grow there gets choked out by the thorns of life?  I know that right now it is not the good soil where the seeds take hold an flourish.  The more I think about it the more convinced I am that every time something beautiful starts growing in there all the thorns of life just choke any life out of those poor seeds.  I feel like in my life right now I am so burdened by the suffering of others.  So many in my life right now are hurting and I can't fix it.  (I am a fixer). Not being able to make things better for them, and yet feeling like I should be able to adds a torn to my heart for each one of them.  What feels like serious lack of progress in my spiritual life adds thorns to my heart.  Every time I think about one of the ways in which I am not a good enough person it's like it adds another thorn.  Another source of these thorns in my life are all of the comparisons that I keep telling myself I'm going to stop making.  And lastly is my lack of trust.  When I cannot simply trust God, that doubt chokes out another seed that has been planted.
Honestly I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm supposed to do about these things that I have realized, but asking God to weed the garden of my heart cannot be a bad place to start.