Treading Water

Do you ever have a moment where it feels like you faith is treading water trying not to drown, but faith can’t stay the same.  It either gets stronger or weaker everyday.  As I attempt to tread water I’m slipping farther and farther away and I feel like I forgot how to swim.  I feel like I’m waiting helplessly just hoping someone throws out a life preserver.  

This week I have started an online study of Romans and even only a couple of chapters in I know God put this there just for me.  After starting this book I realize that I am having a crisis.  A crisis of FAITH and I feel like I have no right.  I know so many people truly struggling through events in their life, but their faith is so strong.  It makes me wonder what am I doing wrong.  Why can't I feel God's presence in my life?  What did I do?  I know that God is there.  This opportunity to go through this book with some other ladies at exactly the right time and many other things tells me that God is here, so why can't I feel Him then?  

It also makes me question so many things.  I know that I have serious issues and one of them is definitely trust.  I have found that it is so much easier to secretly expect everyone to let you down in the end than it is to truly trust anyone especially when that is exactly what has happened so many times before.  What about me is so screwed up that I can't even trust God not to let me down?  He never has before.  Things aren't always the way that I want them to be, but God has always gotten me there in the past.  Why can't I trust Him now?