His story not mine

I have had this nagging feeling that I had something to say, but I haven't exactly been able to put it into words.  Ever since reading about it in a book I haven't been able to get this out of my head.  It talks about not letting satan steal your story.  I had never thought before about how our whole life, our whole story is not really ours.  It's Gods story and it has the power to tell people so much about God.  Our whole life story is our testimony to how great God is.  I have never thought of myself as having a particularly powerful testimony story.  I have never seen myself as having anything to say that would help anyone else. It got me to thinking when it said that our hard times can be what leads someone else to God.  When someone sees how we rely on God when things are tough and how He takes care of us when we think we cant handle any more it can point others straight to God.  I don't have the most radical testimony it wasn't one of those stories that you read about and to me that made it feel less special in some ways.  I have come to realize that sometimes the biggest can come from just the small moments.  Reading about another woman's ability to rely on God in the hard moments of parenting speaks to my heart in a soft and special way.  In the past I have felt so self conscious about sharing my testimony because I didn't feel like it was special enough.  I didn't feel like it was enough of a story to matter.  And shame on me for that.  To not think that the story that God gave me was special enough to need to tell, thats on me.  This is the story that God gave me and its not about me.  It's all about God and how He is working in my life to further His glory, not mine.    God has given me this story and it is my job to tell it.  Now lets see if I can learn to live up to that.

Forgiveness before too late

This is not the first time the message of forgiveness has been laid on my heart.  And I'm starting to think that it's like in school, if I repeat something it's probably important.  So I feel like this message must be important and I must have missed something the last time.
The hardest ones to forgive are the closest ones to you.  The ones who's hurts have cut the deepest and the most often.  For most of my life my dad was not an easy man to love or to get along with.  And I do have to say that most of the rough edges of my personality come straight from him.  For so much of my life I remember being so angry and so hurt by him.  I felt abandoned, unloved, and unworthy.  Even many years later when I started to understand my dad much better, from the stories he told and from the fact that my personality seems more likely like his all the time, I still harbored those feelings.  That deeper understanding was able to strip away the raw edges of that hurt, but true forgiveness wasn't there.  That's why even to the day he die, even with as much closer as we got, I still tended to avoid my dad.  Deep down I wasn't able to forgive him and let go of those hurts.  I think even more than my hurts was watching the way those same hurts had affect my sister three years my junior.  Watching the struggles that she has gone through, so many of which I feel like stem from his rejection, kept that last layer of bitterness in my heart even after my daddy was gone.  My father became a much better man before he died and I loved him dearly, but I wasn't able to forgive him for the hurts of my childhood.  I have realized that slowly after losing him those feelings have ebbed away.  My heart focuses on the good times and slowly I have forgiven those deepest of hurts.  It saddens me to know that I couldn't do this while he was still with me and it makes me wonder what I missed because of it.  What moments that I could have had with him did I miss out on because I clung to my hurts? This has made me contemplate the other hurts I've been holding on to and the ones that I have slowly been able to let go of. All I can do is pray that God will take hold of my heart and remove the bitterness that remains.  Forgiveness is hard work, but thinking of what could have been can be quite the motivation.

Dear Daddy,

Daddy,
Today is a hard day.  Sometimes you think that the pain of loss will lessen over time, but Im not so sure.  I'm not sure that celebrating your birthday without you will ever get easier.  I don't think that answering my four year olds questions about "Why did my grandpa have to die"  will ever be any less painful.  Sometimes I can get through days where you are not on the forethought of my mind.  Then there are days when I open my mouth and you come out.  There are so many ways that I am just like you and now I can see those same traits, for good or bad, in my children every day.  Whether it is Quinn's assertiveness.  Rorey's no no nonsense when standing up to her sister.  When I look at my face in the mirror I cant help but see you staring back at me.  This face that you gave me will always remind me of what was.  I don't forget about the times that were hard, where we hardly even spoke to each other.  I choose to dwell on the love that I always know was there even when things weren't easy.  I think about your face when you got to meet my baby girl.  How proud you said you were of me when I went to college and pursued my dreams.  How you danced with me on my wedding day.  I choose to think about the long talks we had when I cared for you during your hospital stay, I don't think I ever knew you better than that time.  My days are also filled with frivolous wishes.  I wish you could have met my other baby and seen her face.  I wish you were there when they were baptized.  I wish I had asked you how you felt about God.  I wish that I had know where your soul resides.  I wish that I had loved you more freely in the time I had.  I wish my girls would know you more than just from my memories.  I wish you knew how much you meant to me though I never got around to saying it.  Sometimes my heart breaks thinking about the wishes that I have.  I try to focus on your voice in my head where I can hear you calling my name (when you called me the right one).  Today on your birthday almost three days after the day when I never got to say goodbye, my heart hurts.  It hurts from the love I feel, the sadness I can't escape, the moments that never were, and all the feelings I can't even put words to.
                               Love you,