In the Hard Times

My four year-old daughter got her tonsils out on Thursday, so we are on day three of the recovery.  This has been one of the hardest experiences of my life.  I don't for a minute question the decision that we made to get them taken out.  Even with her not being sick at the time her tonsils were infected at the time of removal.  According to the dr. her surgery went great.  Her recovery has been so hard.  First of all you know how hard it is to see someone you love hurting especially when you know there's not really anything that you can do about it.  It is so much worse when it's your child.  That sweet innocent face in so much pain, and so upset.  There have been quite a few tears shed in these three days and not all of them were hers.  She has also been so angry, and I know that mostly from the pain and her not understanding what's going on, but that doesn't help me.  Yesterday she had a good day and now I feel like it has just given me some false hope and made today harder to deal with.  Yesterday she played some and ate by choice, she remained hydrated.  Today I had to threaten not to be with her just to get her to eat anything all day and I had to explain that she would have to go back and stay at the hospital if she wouldn't drink more for me while I stood over her to make it happen.  All she has done today is sleep and be ugly.  Which is not bringing out the best side of me.  I had done ok until this evening and then I feel like I broke.  After her asking me to go get her something to eat then her refusing to eat it again after stopping to get medicine to make her tummy ache feel better and her refusing to take it, but her following me around grabbing on to my legs, I had to close myself in the bathroom and cry.  Just like that first day I started to pray.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't know how to do it.  I don't know how to make it better.  God give me strength to be her strength.  Give me peace in the situations I cannot change.  Please God help to lighten my load, I need you to carry it because I can't.  In my head I know that all this is probably normal.  In recovery you have better days and worse days, but knowing and feeling aren't always the same.  I know that God will give me the strength and the direction I need.

Tonight I was reading in Amos for a Sunday School class I probably won't attend tomorrow and I feel like some of that reading is applicable here.  In Amos it talks about how no disaster will fall on a city without God knowing.  God knows everything that happens and it is all a part of His divine plan, even this.  I know that God has a purpose for all the things that we go through.  That knowledge may not always make it easier to walk through these times.  It may not keep me from hiding in the bathroom to cry because I'm at my wits end.  But what it does is that it keeps me praying.  While I'm crying in the bathroom I prayed.  While I lay awake during the night because neither of us can sleep, I prayed.  And tonight before I go to sleep I will pray.  I will try to be grateful, but above all I will be honest and humble.  The hard times happen for a reason and God is with me.

The Why's

Sometimes in life it's just one thing after another and another and another.  I don't even know if anyone can stop themselves from the why's.  God why me?  God why is this happening?  God why do I deserve this?  Why?  Why?  Why?  I can just imagine God up there shaking his head at me right now thinking that I'm not getting the point.  God never forgets about me now matter what I may think in the moment.  And my God is such an awesome God that he doesn't mind being like hey I know this sucks, but I'm still right here.  I don't hear Him speak to me in those words, but when a particularly powerful song comes on the radio or after things when your child lays their head on you and says I love you momma.  That's when my heart feels His presence.  This when I start to get the point and I imagine Him smiling down on me like I smile sat my girls.  It's not about me.  I think I need to tell myself that again.  ITS NOT ABOUT ME.  I don't know if my hard headed self well ever truly get it.  But it's not about me it's about Him.  I may not understand the why's, but I'm not supposed to.  It's not about me.  Today might still suck, but I guarantee it will be better if I can quit thinking about me.
       "Eye Of The Storm"
(feat. GabeReal) Ryan Stevenson 

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
And in the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
When the solid ground is falling out from underneath my feet
Between the black skies, and my red eyes, I can barely see
When I realize I've been sold out by my friends and my family
I can feel the rain reminding me

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

When the test comes in and the doctor says I've only got a few months left
It's like a bitter pill I'm swallowing; I can barely take a breath
And when addiction steals my baby girl, and there's nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You
I trust You, Lord

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah) You remain in control
In the middle of the war (middle of the war), You guard my soul (yeah!)
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (yeah!)

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war (in the middle of the war), You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm, oooh
Oh, in the eye of, oh, in the eye of the storm

I know You're watching me, yea, ay
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone, Lord)
When my flesh is failing, You're still holding on, oh whoa
When the storm is raging (the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and all my hope is gone)
When my flesh is failing (my flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, oooh
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone)
Even when my flesh is failing (flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, holding on
The Lord is my Shepherd
I have all that I need
He lets me rest in green meadows
He leads me beside peaceful streams
He renews my strength
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His Name
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid
For You are close beside me

Sharing the Burden

Sometimes in the middle of a sermon it is like the preacher is speaking straight to your heart.   When the preacher starts talking about those who have the disease where you have to do everything yourself I knew that message was for me.  Straight from God's lips.  This is always something that I have struggled.  For too long in my life if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.  And right now I am starting to think that maybe thats ok.  Maybe its okay when things don't always get done, or maybe not to my liking.  Life can be such a burden when you feel like you have to do it all yourself, but this morning at church has been an exhibit for sharing the burden.
It started off with a wonderful Sunday school class where the four of us got to share our opinions and for none of us to be burdened by carrying the load, we all got to share.  Then in the service I got to witness our congregation ban together as the family I think of us as to pray for one of our members who is having a tough time right now.  As we all laid ours hands on each other we were praying together and offering to try to share the burden that she and her family are facing the best that we can.  In the sermon today the preacher said something that I had never thought about when talking about Matthew 11:28-30 (“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”)  He told us to think about a yoke.  A yoke connects two animals together so that they can share the burden of the work.  These to animals work together to help each other get the task done.  In this verse Jesus is offering to be tied to the yoke with us and to carry that burden.  Just like in Sunday school we talked about how Ruth was eventually able to pull Naomi out of her bitterness.  Christians are supposed to live their lives in fellowship with each other and to help carry the burdens of our brethren.  Just like what happened in my church this morning we are willing to take up the other side of the yoke when we can to lighten the load.  Of course Jesus is much better at lightening the load than we are, but I don't know about you, I could certainly use any burden lightening that I can get.  
That visual image of Jesus carrying the yoke with me and taking the burden off my shoulders was so powerful for me.  Its like I could actually feel it lifting that burden off of me.  The other part of that was so touching to me was just to hear him talk about some of the way that we can lighten the burden and sometimes that can be as simple as with kindness.  This is something that I really struggle with.  On the inside I am a caring person, but outward kind words and other displays of kindness are not my strong suit, but this is what God is calling me to work on.  If I can be kind to help lighten the load then that is what I need to do and sometimes it doesn't matter, it can be left undone.  
All through the sermon this Crowder song played in my head:

Crowder – Come As You Are Lyrics

Come out of sadness from wherever you've been
Come broken-hearted, let rescue begin
Come find your mercy, oh sinner come Kneelkneal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal

So Lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless and all those who've strayed
Come sit at the table, come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary, rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't cure.

So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are...
Come as you are...
Fall in His arms...
Come as you are...

There's joy for the morning, oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh

Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh
Come as you are
Come as you are