In the Hard Times

My four year-old daughter got her tonsils out on Thursday, so we are on day three of the recovery.  This has been one of the hardest experiences of my life.  I don't for a minute question the decision that we made to get them taken out.  Even with her not being sick at the time her tonsils were infected at the time of removal.  According to the dr. her surgery went great.  Her recovery has been so hard.  First of all you know how hard it is to see someone you love hurting especially when you know there's not really anything that you can do about it.  It is so much worse when it's your child.  That sweet innocent face in so much pain, and so upset.  There have been quite a few tears shed in these three days and not all of them were hers.  She has also been so angry, and I know that mostly from the pain and her not understanding what's going on, but that doesn't help me.  Yesterday she had a good day and now I feel like it has just given me some false hope and made today harder to deal with.  Yesterday she played some and ate by choice, she remained hydrated.  Today I had to threaten not to be with her just to get her to eat anything all day and I had to explain that she would have to go back and stay at the hospital if she wouldn't drink more for me while I stood over her to make it happen.  All she has done today is sleep and be ugly.  Which is not bringing out the best side of me.  I had done ok until this evening and then I feel like I broke.  After her asking me to go get her something to eat then her refusing to eat it again after stopping to get medicine to make her tummy ache feel better and her refusing to take it, but her following me around grabbing on to my legs, I had to close myself in the bathroom and cry.  Just like that first day I started to pray.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't know how to do it.  I don't know how to make it better.  God give me strength to be her strength.  Give me peace in the situations I cannot change.  Please God help to lighten my load, I need you to carry it because I can't.  In my head I know that all this is probably normal.  In recovery you have better days and worse days, but knowing and feeling aren't always the same.  I know that God will give me the strength and the direction I need.

Tonight I was reading in Amos for a Sunday School class I probably won't attend tomorrow and I feel like some of that reading is applicable here.  In Amos it talks about how no disaster will fall on a city without God knowing.  God knows everything that happens and it is all a part of His divine plan, even this.  I know that God has a purpose for all the things that we go through.  That knowledge may not always make it easier to walk through these times.  It may not keep me from hiding in the bathroom to cry because I'm at my wits end.  But what it does is that it keeps me praying.  While I'm crying in the bathroom I prayed.  While I lay awake during the night because neither of us can sleep, I prayed.  And tonight before I go to sleep I will pray.  I will try to be grateful, but above all I will be honest and humble.  The hard times happen for a reason and God is with me.

The Why's

Sometimes in life it's just one thing after another and another and another.  I don't even know if anyone can stop themselves from the why's.  God why me?  God why is this happening?  God why do I deserve this?  Why?  Why?  Why?  I can just imagine God up there shaking his head at me right now thinking that I'm not getting the point.  God never forgets about me now matter what I may think in the moment.  And my God is such an awesome God that he doesn't mind being like hey I know this sucks, but I'm still right here.  I don't hear Him speak to me in those words, but when a particularly powerful song comes on the radio or after things when your child lays their head on you and says I love you momma.  That's when my heart feels His presence.  This when I start to get the point and I imagine Him smiling down on me like I smile sat my girls.  It's not about me.  I think I need to tell myself that again.  ITS NOT ABOUT ME.  I don't know if my hard headed self well ever truly get it.  But it's not about me it's about Him.  I may not understand the why's, but I'm not supposed to.  It's not about me.  Today might still suck, but I guarantee it will be better if I can quit thinking about me.
       "Eye Of The Storm"
(feat. GabeReal) Ryan Stevenson 

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
And in the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
When the solid ground is falling out from underneath my feet
Between the black skies, and my red eyes, I can barely see
When I realize I've been sold out by my friends and my family
I can feel the rain reminding me

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm
Mmm, when my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I'm runnin' out of faith
I see the future I picture slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah)
You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (Your love surrounds me)
In the eye of the storm (in the eye of the storm)

When the test comes in and the doctor says I've only got a few months left
It's like a bitter pill I'm swallowing; I can barely take a breath
And when addiction steals my baby girl, and there's nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You
I trust You, Lord

In the eye of the storm (yeah, yeah) You remain in control
In the middle of the war (middle of the war), You guard my soul (yeah!)
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me (yeah!)

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control (yes you do, Lord)
In the middle of the war (in the middle of the war), You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor (ooh), when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm, oooh
Oh, in the eye of, oh, in the eye of the storm

I know You're watching me, yea, ay
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone, Lord)
When my flesh is failing, You're still holding on, oh whoa
When the storm is raging (the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and all my hope is gone)
When my flesh is failing (my flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, oooh
When the storm is raging (when the storm is raging)
And my hope is gone (and my hope is gone)
Even when my flesh is failing (flesh is failing)
You're still holding on, holding on
The Lord is my Shepherd
I have all that I need
He lets me rest in green meadows
He leads me beside peaceful streams
He renews my strength
He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His Name
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid
For You are close beside me

Sharing the Burden

Sometimes in the middle of a sermon it is like the preacher is speaking straight to your heart.   When the preacher starts talking about those who have the disease where you have to do everything yourself I knew that message was for me.  Straight from God's lips.  This is always something that I have struggled.  For too long in my life if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.  And right now I am starting to think that maybe thats ok.  Maybe its okay when things don't always get done, or maybe not to my liking.  Life can be such a burden when you feel like you have to do it all yourself, but this morning at church has been an exhibit for sharing the burden.
It started off with a wonderful Sunday school class where the four of us got to share our opinions and for none of us to be burdened by carrying the load, we all got to share.  Then in the service I got to witness our congregation ban together as the family I think of us as to pray for one of our members who is having a tough time right now.  As we all laid ours hands on each other we were praying together and offering to try to share the burden that she and her family are facing the best that we can.  In the sermon today the preacher said something that I had never thought about when talking about Matthew 11:28-30 (“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”)  He told us to think about a yoke.  A yoke connects two animals together so that they can share the burden of the work.  These to animals work together to help each other get the task done.  In this verse Jesus is offering to be tied to the yoke with us and to carry that burden.  Just like in Sunday school we talked about how Ruth was eventually able to pull Naomi out of her bitterness.  Christians are supposed to live their lives in fellowship with each other and to help carry the burdens of our brethren.  Just like what happened in my church this morning we are willing to take up the other side of the yoke when we can to lighten the load.  Of course Jesus is much better at lightening the load than we are, but I don't know about you, I could certainly use any burden lightening that I can get.  
That visual image of Jesus carrying the yoke with me and taking the burden off my shoulders was so powerful for me.  Its like I could actually feel it lifting that burden off of me.  The other part of that was so touching to me was just to hear him talk about some of the way that we can lighten the burden and sometimes that can be as simple as with kindness.  This is something that I really struggle with.  On the inside I am a caring person, but outward kind words and other displays of kindness are not my strong suit, but this is what God is calling me to work on.  If I can be kind to help lighten the load then that is what I need to do and sometimes it doesn't matter, it can be left undone.  
All through the sermon this Crowder song played in my head:

Crowder – Come As You Are Lyrics

Come out of sadness from wherever you've been
Come broken-hearted, let rescue begin
Come find your mercy, oh sinner come Kneelkneal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal

So Lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless and all those who've strayed
Come sit at the table, come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary, rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't cure.

So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are...
Come as you are...
Fall in His arms...
Come as you are...

There's joy for the morning, oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow, that heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh

Come as you are, Oh Ooh Oh Ooh Ooh
Come as you are
Come as you are

An Unconventional Love Story

In about a week and a half my husband and I will celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary, and it's got me thinking.   Ours is an unconventional love story that started long before we said I DO 7 years ago.

It all started when I was 15.  I had a friend come up to me and pull me aside to tell me that this guy who hung around with her boyfriend liked me, and I should go out with him.  My response was something to the effect of: that guy, he never talks.  I don't think that we had ever had a full conversation before that.  She did some convincing and I figured, why not, he was cute and no guy had ever wanted to go out with me before.  Oh how awkward that beginning was.  Of course aren't they all in high school?  We started "going out" the day before Christmas break and I pretty sure I didn't talk to him until we came back to school two weeks later.  I started to wonder if I had made it up, so I didn't tell anyone.  I was 16 and it was five or six months later before we went out on our first date.  We went and walked around the mall talking for hours it seems.  He was all of my firsts. My first date.  The first guy I held hands with.  My first kiss and it only took us about a year of dating before I let him kiss me.  There were plenty of other awkward moments along the way.  Like when I ignored him the first time that he told me that he loved me because it terrified me.  I think I was sixteen, and I know that I was jaded after seeing some of the relationships that I had seen.  On top of that even then I knew this was special at least as much as you can at that age.  We dated through the rest of high school, through the good times and the bad.  Through my husbands tough times at school.  Through my first year in college where I was miserable being 3+ hours away from him.  I remember the promise ring that he gave me when I went away to school.  I remember the two proms that we went to together and the way my mother looked at me when I came home with blue hair to go to his senior prom.
When I came home from college that summer I lived in his moms house, because they had a spare bedroom for me.  Everything got so much easier when he moved to Clemson that fall.  In my junior year at Clemson we went to a concert and toward the end he told me that he had planned to propose to me, without a ring, if they played my favorite song.  The encore that they played right after that included my favorite song of course.  Then I had to explain to him that he needed a ring no matter how cheap and I wanted him to ask my mom first.  I remember the day that he called my mom, and then he told me he talked to her.  My response of course was to ask him if he was going to propose to me now or what.  And he did right there in his room in his apartment because we do everything super romantic.  Then we spent about another 2.5 years engaged before we got married.
Before our wedding I cried because nothing turned out the way that I wanted it.  Once I began the walk down the aisle toward him none of that mattered.  None of the craziness of that day mattered because at the end we were married.  We were in our awkward love story.
This love story that eventually got to include my two girls.  The first of which I had to tell him it was time for whether he was ready or not.  Thankfully before I got pregnant with her he got the job that made him feel like maybe we could do it.  And we have.  Our love story may not be what some people think or expect, but it has kept us happily together fro going on 15 years, which is half my life.  I couldn't imagine what it would be like not to do everyday with him and the beautiful children he helped me to create.  This is our not so perfect unconventional love story, and I wouldnt have it any other way.

My heart

I haven't known what to say lately.  I feel like I've been in a weird place.  I feel isolated, disconnected.    I feel disconnected from myself, those around me, even God within me.  It is hard feeling to deal with especially when you don't know where to start.
In the past week or so I've gotten to hear a lot about the heart nod it has gotten me thinking.  I have gotten to hear about how a sinful heart is what separates you from God, about how your heart is the true master of your tongue (so if you ant to know the true state of your heart all you have to do is listen to hat comes out of your mouth), and then today about what kind of soil is there in your heart for God to plant his message in.
Well I can tell you one thing for certain based on what comes out of my mouth there are some very unkind and hard feelings in my heart.  I know that there is not nearly enough kindness coming from my heart out of my mouth.  In truth there is an awful lot of ugly coming out of there sometimes and what does that say about my heart?  And is this ugliness what is making me feel so separated.
Today the preacher talked about the parable where the seeds are sown in different soils, and he asked us what kind of soil we had in our heart?  With all the contemplation I have been doing about the state of my heart lately that was a particularly poignant question.  Is my heart th path where the birds are eating up the seeds as soon as they are thrown?  Is it the rocky soil where the seed takes hod for a minute then the sun burns it up because it has no roots?  Is it the soil where anything that starts to grow there gets choked out by the thorns of life?  I know that right now it is not the good soil where the seeds take hold an flourish.  The more I think about it the more convinced I am that every time something beautiful starts growing in there all the thorns of life just choke any life out of those poor seeds.  I feel like in my life right now I am so burdened by the suffering of others.  So many in my life right now are hurting and I can't fix it.  (I am a fixer). Not being able to make things better for them, and yet feeling like I should be able to adds a torn to my heart for each one of them.  What feels like serious lack of progress in my spiritual life adds thorns to my heart.  Every time I think about one of the ways in which I am not a good enough person it's like it adds another thorn.  Another source of these thorns in my life are all of the comparisons that I keep telling myself I'm going to stop making.  And lastly is my lack of trust.  When I cannot simply trust God, that doubt chokes out another seed that has been planted.
Honestly I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm supposed to do about these things that I have realized, but asking God to weed the garden of my heart cannot be a bad place to start.

Heart Work

I read a book that talked about the heart work that God does.  I started to feel the heart work that God was doing in my life.  There is a situation in my life that has caused me to harbor bitterness for a long time.  I have a sister who has caused a great deal of hurt in our family.  Her poor decisions and bad behavior have caused pain for us her sisters, my mother, and her children.  Some of these pains in others' lives have cut a lot deeper than the hurts she has caused in mine.  So why couldn't I forgive her.  Well starting with that lenten service I started to feel God pulling at me to work on my forgiveness.  To try and rid that bitterness from my heart.  To heal more of the wounds that have scared my heart and traps those bad feelings in there.  After a lot of prayers and contemplation I was able to begin the path to forgiveness.  Eventually this journey took me to a place where I felt I could forgive her for what she had done in my life and to eliminate some of the bitterness that I had kept bottled up for so long.
Not too long after that this forgiveness was put to the test.  My sister who had been out of my life for about a year managed to find a way back in to it.  My mom told me that she would be coming back to her house.  For a minute that threw me for a loop and I didn't know how to feel.  The old anger and bitterness that had been harbored there for so long tried to resurge.  Then I felt God's soothing hand.  It calmed that storm of feelings that tried crash in.  Soon I would discover that this forgiveness was not just for me.  Because of the way that I was able to forgive and rid myself of those feelings I was able to support my mom with some of the feelings and decisions that she would have to make.  I know that through this God is trying to soften my heart.  I can feel him trying to soften it for some greater purpose that I haven't seen yet.  I can tell you that someone is going to come in my life who needs this and God is preparing me to be his tool.
The problem is with more bad decisions and hard times it tests my new found patience.  Along with that is the end of the year stress that comes with my job and the stress that comes with the wonderful spring football practice I have not been in the best place as of late. And it has brought me back to take a much closer look at the bitterness that my heart harbors there.  This made me think of something else that same author says.  She says that God will keep bringing you back to the issues in your life until you are really able to deal with them, until you are finally able to get past them and give them up.  I think this is what is happening here.  God keeps bringing me back to this bitterness in my heart because he is preparing me for something.  Something that he needs me to do.  Hopefully as I continue to pray for God to relieve the bitterness from my heart he will give the tools to be able to do that.  Heart work can be messy, but its totally worth it even when you feel like you are taking one step forward and two steps back.  Maybe that means that God thinks thats an issue that needs more of your or my attention.

Motherhood and Changes

Ive had a lot on my heart lately that needs to be said, but I haven't known exactly how to say it, or even had the time.  Here goes something.
I have to believe that God knows.  That God knew even before it happened that motherhood would change me for the best in more ways than I could ever realize.  Being a mother has slowly changed my heart and made me a better person.  With Mother's Day approaching and having just celebrated the fourth birthday of my oldest child it's got me thinking and feeling nostalgic.  And I've come to the conclusion that this was a turning point for me, one I never even noticed.  It's what put me on this path.  I have to think that God knew motherhood would open my heart, that it would teach me to love when I've never really been sure I knew how or that I even deserved it.  When I was fourteen years old and I started stepping away from my walk with God I have to believe that he knew even then that motherhood would eventually be what made enough of a difference to send me running back with open arms.  Slowly but surely being a mom has opened up my heart and made me more sympathetic and capable of love.  That or it made it a lot harder to hide behind my sarcasm and pretend I don't feel.  Motherhood is what showed me that I can't do this by myself so I should quit trying and it keeps proving that to me over and over again.  And it showed me that deserving or not He loves us all.  I feel like I have understood love so much more from the instant that baby girl was born not breathing and no one would tell me anything while I bled on the floor.  I have to believe that God put me on this path.  He didn't make these decisions for me, but he knew what I would choose and He put me on this path to get me back.  And how special does that make me feel?  It also lets me know that all this happened for a reason and I wonder what's in store for me next?  What does he need me to do?