Last June

There is so much to say and I’m not sure that I know how to say it.  Last June I had a stroke.  And ever since then things have been hard, I mean really hard.  Last June while we were on vacation with three other families I had a stroke.  It was pretty scary.  I remember being in my car and then I don’t remember anything.  It was only a minute or less that I don’t remember, but what follows was the scary part for me.  I had the sense to get my car out of the road and I called my husband while some very nice lady tried to tell me not to move my car.  When I called my husband I didn’t make much sense.  I muttered a lot of words.  I eventually got the back up I hoped for.  There they came, I think there were two cars.  I remember sitting on the ground crying while I didn’t understand what was going on.  Watching Kristi take my scared kids away in her van was one of scariest moments of my life.  I remember them telling me something to the effect of I had to get on the ambulance.  I cried knowing how much money that was going to be, I had no idea.  They took me to the hospital and I remember getting into it with a nurse or a doctor curling up in a chair in the corner of the room.  They eventually got me to sit in the bed and that’s all I remember.  I don’t remember much for the next day, after that it’s just bits and pieces.  I remember one dr. coming in to talk to us.  I remember the guy who came in to see whether I needed any therapy.  I remember going back to the beach house and spending the night.  And bits and pieces of the next day when we went home.  I don’t remember much from the summer or football season.  To tell the truth I don’t remember much of anything from anytime.  I feel like I am stuck in this space that no one understands.  My stroke did not affect any of my long term memories and for that I am so lucky.  I feel like I am stuck in this spot where I don’t know much of anything.

Reliance

Today has been an exercise in reliance for me in two big ways:

First of all today is Wed. and I have been sick since last Sunday.  Since then I have had four dr. visits just for this.  Two different kinds of antibiotics.  I have been on oral steroids and today I even got a shot.  I have also had so many test; flu, strep, x-rays, and a CT scan.  It is all sinus related and I have had pressure on the left side of my face and no voice since last Wed.   Today when I stood in that dr. office and she told me that they wanted me to stay out of work at least for the rest of the week, while I knew that I had 0 sick days when I started this week, I just broke down in the office and cried.  God bless those sweet ladies who were so kind and have worked so hard tending to me and trying to expedite my referral.  I could tell by their faces that they actually felt for me as I stood in that office and cried while I tried to explain to them that I didn't know what I wanted them to do.  On the one hand I have no sick days on the other this is pretty uncomfortable and its really hard to teach when you have next to no voice.  It touched my heart to see those ladies who don't know me but have seen my struggle in the past week or so actually care about my concerns.  After some tears and some angry and frustrated moments I came to peace with it.  It is what it is and we will deal with it.  God hasn't failed me yet and He won't fail me now

After getting home from my epic adventure today I got some news that I knew was coming eventually, but I did not expect so soon and I felt very emotional just as I knew I would.  Today I found out that my boss is retiring.  This has been my ninth year in education and I have spent all of those years in one school working under one principal.  This is the man who took a chance on me at 22 with no experience and gave me this job that I still have today.  It is so much more than that.  Even though I have never worked under another principal I know that I have had one of the best.  For any of you who don't know this is a hard profession to be in and honestly if I had worked for anyone less than he I don't know if I would still be in this job.  I know that God led me to this job for a reason, but without the support and kindness of this man in all the various situations that have arisen over the years I think I would have given up by now.  The summer after my first year teaching he showed up to my wedding.  He would later give my husband the same chance that he had given me, to work with our kids.  There have been some hard times when he had to tell me some hard things to hear and when we had to wade through some difficult situations together.  But that's the point I always felt like we were together.  There have also been some great moments.  I don't think that I will ever forget the face that he made when I walked in his office out of the blue to tell him that I was pregnant with my oldest (I thought he might fall out of his chair, but that may have been my blunt delivery).  Every tough time and personal struggle that I have been through in the nine years that we have worked together I knew that he was truly concerned about me.  When he told me to go home and do exactly as the dr. told me to today I knew that he said that because he genuinely cares about me as part of his staff.  I know that I am going to miss his guidance immeasurably when I have to walk those halls without him.  But I also know that as long as I am a part of this profession lessons that he4 has taught me will stay with me.  Lessons about how to have honor in our profession and how to care for others.
I know that this too is a part of God's plan and I will probably shed a tear or two as I fret about what is to come, but I know that God's got this.

 And though all this I have learned some things about reliance.  Reliance doesn't mean that I may not shed a few tears now and again (I think I only cried two or three times today).  Reliance does not always come first, but that doesn't mean that I can't get to the relying part.  I may still be working on the fully relying part, but I am a work in progress.  

Pslam 73

21 When my heart was embittered And I was pierced within, 22 Then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. 23Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. 24 With Your counsel You will guide me, And afterward receive me to glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I know that God will provide He always has and He is the only one who will never let me down.  I know that God has a plan and this is all a part of it.  I can't tell you why these things have happened the way that they have and I probably never will, but someone needs these events to happen just they way they are unfolding.  That is sometimes the hardest part of relying on God.  Trusting without knowing His plan.  I just try to remind myself that His plan has got to be so much better than mine anyway.

Perseverance

It is no secret that I have been struggling in my walk lately and not really sure of what direction to go.   I’ve been feeling some tugging, but not really sure where it has been trying to take me.  Then last week happened and it was terrible.  I spent days just being angry.  So angry that I just wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to function, but I did.  Then on last Thursday I heard a message designed to speak to the young people in the room, but it is something that I have been chewing on ever since.   She asked the group what is it that God wants others to see when they look at your life?  What about Him can they see if they watch you?  This got me thinking.  What Godly traits is He trying to get me to show other people in my life?  Then it was like He whispered the words PERSERVERANCE in my ear.  The week that I had last week almost broke me at a point in my life where some days I already feel pretty broken.  Perseverance and patience are what HE is giving me in this season and He wants others to see that.  This has been one of those years in teaching that have been a particular challenge for me and have left me feeling defeated more than a few times.  Since my melt down last week, a pretty literal melt down, I felt a peace.  A peace the only God could bring.  My year hasn’t gotten any easier.  The bunch that I have isn’t better behaved or easier to teach.  I don’t care any less about my job or how my students do.  What has changed?  Nothing and everything all at the same time.  I have no more strength to do the things that I was doing weeks ago, but God does.  Today I can rely more fully on Him.  And today no matter how much my children got on my nerves I can let it go.  Today I will show someone how God’s love has allowed me to persevere when I knew that I couldn’t.

My Babies

Right now life is hard.  With two and four year old little girls sometimes I just don’t even know if I’m going to make it, but after a tragedy like that in Parkland all I can do is be reflective.  They will grow older and they may not remember these days and sometimes when it’s hard I forget.  But I know that I will never forget the way my baby kissed my knee today because I bumped it.  I won’t forget the way my baby girls said mommy please don’t cry when I finally broke down.  The memories that last won’t be the ones about my two year old’s tantrums or how hard it is to get sand out of their hair.  The memories from these days that will last forever are the cuddles and dancing.  The way that right right now my girls are loving me so much I literally can’t move.  One day my girls won’t pester me with why’s or need to sit in my lap, but the sweet memories will always be there.  I hate to think of what this world is going to have in store for them and my only hope is that one day they will be some of the light that this world desperately needs.  I pray that God will call them to be His light in the midst of so much darkness.

Treading Water

Do you ever have a moment where it feels like you faith is treading water trying not to drown, but faith can’t stay the same.  It either gets stronger or weaker everyday.  As I attempt to tread water I’m slipping farther and farther away and I feel like I forgot how to swim.  I feel like I’m waiting helplessly just hoping someone throws out a life preserver.  

This week I have started an online study of Romans and even only a couple of chapters in I know God put this there just for me.  After starting this book I realize that I am having a crisis.  A crisis of FAITH and I feel like I have no right.  I know so many people truly struggling through events in their life, but their faith is so strong.  It makes me wonder what am I doing wrong.  Why can't I feel God's presence in my life?  What did I do?  I know that God is there.  This opportunity to go through this book with some other ladies at exactly the right time and many other things tells me that God is here, so why can't I feel Him then?  

It also makes me question so many things.  I know that I have serious issues and one of them is definitely trust.  I have found that it is so much easier to secretly expect everyone to let you down in the end than it is to truly trust anyone especially when that is exactly what has happened so many times before.  What about me is so screwed up that I can't even trust God not to let me down?  He never has before.  Things aren't always the way that I want them to be, but God has always gotten me there in the past.  Why can't I trust Him now? 

Feeling lost

It's been a while since I've written anything because it's been a while since I've had something to say or knew how to say what I needed to.  For a while now I have felt lost and disconnected.  In the middle of all these beautiful moments that the holidays have brought with my family I have felt there, but not there.  It's a terrible feeling and one I haven't really known how to deal with.  I have just felt isolated felt people and from God.  It's weird because never once have a doubted that God was here.  I knew it and could even see it, but I couldn't feel it.  I don't know what had happened to cause this rift. I know that some of its been on me.  I have not been making the effort to reconnect like I should, I have not been making it a priority.  I have been praying for that connection to come back, but not putting in the work.  Feeling a little at loss for what to do.  God works in beautiful ways.  I didn't put in the work like I should and was just content to wait anxiously not knowing what to do.  Then in a moment it changed.  God used the beautiful words of a child to turn my heart toward Him.  A child singing her heart out to Him, beautiful words sung from the heart.  Hearing her pour out her heart about Jesus and the power of the water was what I needed to hear.  Sitting in that pew a wave of emotions brought tears to my eyes and a swelling in my chest.  I could and can feel God's. Presence in my heart and in my life again.  Then when her beautiful heart felt songs were concluded I got to hear the heartfelt conclusions of our congregation as this year concluded.  Listening to these people, who have quickly become such a big part in my life, confess, praise, and even mourn was beautiful and touching.  Again during that service I felt tears in my eyes.  Feeling God's support so powerfully and the love of that room of people for each other and for the Lord broke down walls in my heart that I don't know how they got erected.  God knows what I need and He has perfect timing.  I don't know what the purpose of all this was,  my isolation, being so lost.  I do know that God has a purpose for all of it and I am very thankful to start the new year feeling connect instead of loss.  I for one am hoping this is a sign of the year to come.

But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.  These words have taken me out of the dark and have brought out the light.  These words have been running through my head like a mantra since I heard them in church yesterday.  These words have been a salve to my heart that has been hurting so badly.  Lately things have been so hard.  I have felt life my life was drowning me.  Between work and home and my girls things have just been so hard.  Honestly I have felt broken and I have not know what to do about it.  I mean what do you do when you feel like your life is sucking everything out of you and there is nothing left for yourself?  I honestly don't know what happened.  I do know that since yesterday I have been thinking of the end of Joshua 24;15 almost constantly in my head.  But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.  This section of Joshua talks about serving God sincerely and turning away from idols to serve God fully.  Joshua 24:23 “Now then,” said Joshua, “throw away the foreign gods that are among you and yield your hearts to the Lord, the God of Israel.”  What I realized in that moment is that I may not worship the "gods" that this chapter is referring to, but I am putting other things in my life before God and that might as well be the same thing.  My life has not changed drastically since yesterday, but its all about perspective.  All of the same things are still going on in my life, but when I think but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  The one and only thing that I should be worried about is serving the Lord and the rest of it will fall into place. I heard a song on the way home from school today that talked about how God sees all the suffering that you go through and sometimes He puts you through that to come out stronger on the other side.  When you are in the middle of these tough times it is hard to see the purpose and honestly it is hard to feel like God is with you.  Its hard to even feel like He cares about you sometimes.  But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.  Who knows what the days to come will bring and how I will respond to those things that are coming my way?  All I know is that right now I don't feel like I am drowning today and this mantra is still running through my head.  But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.