Motherhood and Changes

Ive had a lot on my heart lately that needs to be said, but I haven't known exactly how to say it, or even had the time.  Here goes something.
I have to believe that God knows.  That God knew even before it happened that motherhood would change me for the best in more ways than I could ever realize.  Being a mother has slowly changed my heart and made me a better person.  With Mother's Day approaching and having just celebrated the fourth birthday of my oldest child it's got me thinking and feeling nostalgic.  And I've come to the conclusion that this was a turning point for me, one I never even noticed.  It's what put me on this path.  I have to think that God knew motherhood would open my heart, that it would teach me to love when I've never really been sure I knew how or that I even deserved it.  When I was fourteen years old and I started stepping away from my walk with God I have to believe that he knew even then that motherhood would eventually be what made enough of a difference to send me running back with open arms.  Slowly but surely being a mom has opened up my heart and made me more sympathetic and capable of love.  That or it made it a lot harder to hide behind my sarcasm and pretend I don't feel.  Motherhood is what showed me that I can't do this by myself so I should quit trying and it keeps proving that to me over and over again.  And it showed me that deserving or not He loves us all.  I feel like I have understood love so much more from the instant that baby girl was born not breathing and no one would tell me anything while I bled on the floor.  I have to believe that God put me on this path.  He didn't make these decisions for me, but he knew what I would choose and He put me on this path to get me back.  And how special does that make me feel?  It also lets me know that all this happened for a reason and I wonder what's in store for me next?  What does he need me to do?

My profession

There are so many things about my profession that outsiders don't tend to understand.  I am a teacher and I am about to finis up my 8th year in the profession.  Most people don't hear anything about teachers unless they make the news for doing something bad, or because they ha to call you when your child decided to make a bad decision.  Most people don't know what it looks like from the inside.  I'm not looking for praise because I think we're all over worked and underpaid, even though we are.  And these days right here at the end of the year I am more likely to be fed up than enthusiastic, but it's those kids that keep me coming back every single day.  This is not a job for the faint of heart.  I have been treated pretty poorly by some children and adults over the past eight years, but that's not what it's all about.  That is not the reason that I sometimes feel like I spend more time thinking about my kids a school than the ones I have at home.  My husband and I have had some pretty awesome opportunities to really be there for some of our kids this past year through their hard times and has gotten me to thinking.  If you are not in the thick of it I don't know if you know.  Like do you know that I don't think I have met a teacher who hasn't at one time thought about how they would rearrange their home and their whole life just to bring that one kid who needs it home with you.  I don't think there is a teacher out there who goes home and doesn't worry about at least one of them.  Will they have anything to eat?  Is someone going to love on them today?  Most of us go home and pray for them for our babies as we call them in our heads.  We have to worry when we are out if the sub is going to understand them like we do, they probably don't know the back story.  Some of the stories I hea those children tell about their lives with a straight face puts tears in my eyes, but even if I could they won't let me bring all those babies home with me.  We are the ones who are there for your kids when you can't be, or when they can't figure out how to talk to you.  We quiet tears soothe fears, and just love them.  No matter whether you see this side of an educator or not it's there.  You can't do this job if your hearts not for the kids.  All those babies who wiggle their way into your heart despite yourself.  Even with just a few weeks let in the school year when I am at my wits end I can stop and remember that these kids need me whether they want to admit it or not.

Cookie cutters and comparisons

I have know for a long time that comparisons are my biggest problem.  As much as I like to proclaim that I don't care what other people think, and sometimes I don't, sometimes I don't sometimes it's all me in my heart and head, comparisons are at the center of so many of my problems.  Am I strong enough to handle this situation?  Look at her if she can do it I should be able to also.  Am I a good enough mom, because she seems to have herself so much more together than me?  Am I doing enough for my students?  She seems to have so much more to give than I do.
I have never realized before how much this played into my relationship with God.  Is my relationship good enough because I don't do it like she does?  Is my worship sincere enough because I didn't cry?  Is my story good enough?  Is the normal bad stuff that I overcame even worth mentioning?  Since mine is not as drastic is it even worth sharing?
When I was on the way to work the other morning they came on the radio talking about how we didn't have to be a cookie cutter Christian, and that spoke to me.  Now you have to understand this is a slippery slope for me.  When I started losing faith in my teenage years because of my family situation, my depression, and all the rejection and criticism I felt from the christians in my life, this was my excuse.  I used it as my crutch.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am different and I don't mind being that way.  I am loud, opinionated, quirky, and just weird.  I always have been and I love it usually.  Sometimes it causes me to doubt myself and sometimes it gives me an out.  In my teenage years I used this thought of not being a cookie cutter Christian as an excuse to fall away.  I used it to tell myself that because of this if I didn't go to church it was ok, because my faith is just about me and God anyway.  I used it as an excuse to stop reading my bible and my devotionals.  I eventually used it as an excuse to stop praying like I should.
Now when I think of not being a cookie cutter Christian I see it very differently and some of it was they way they presented on the radio.  There are things that all christians should do; go to church, pray, and read the Bible.  Not fitting into the cookie cutter doesn't take those things away it just may change the way that we go about them and it may change how we act on those things we get from church, the Bible, or God himself.  It doesn't get to be my excuse this time, but it can free me.  It can free me from some of those comparisons, or at least I hope.  I guess we'll see.

Our Baggage

The is something that I have been thinking pretty hard about since FCA on Thursday.  I have always known because of my family life and some of the things that I have been through that I came with a lot of baggage weighing me down.  Anxiety and depression are more bags that I carry around.  My self image and self worth issues also lay heavy on me.  I know that God is the only one who can remove these bags but sometimes it's not that easy.  I ask God to heal my heart and remove my baggage to glorify Him, but sometimes it feels like everytime I think one bag is gone and I turn around to find them all back on my shoulders.  Two things I know: one I have a tendency when things go too well to think I can do it alone and two someone once told me that if God keeps leading you back somewhere it means that you haven't finished dealing with it and He's going to help you.  I know that's true, but good gracious that doesn't make it any easier.
One of the biggest bags I carry is feeling like I'm not good enough, never good enough.  And sometimes it comes back so hard it slaps you in the face.  Sometimes I can hide my insecurities.  If you're not paying attention you won't notice that I deflect every compliment because I don't feel worth it, you won't notice that I shrink away from certain situations because I think that no one could ever care what I had to say, that I have nothing to offer.  After a while you get all the better at concealing these things with a sarcastic sense of humor or some other defense.
On Friday all of my insecurities hit me hard.  That morning was rough getting the girls and I ready and off to school while my husband was out of town, but we made it and I was determined to have a good day no matter what.  Around 11 that changed.  The daycare called my child was sick and I had to go.  After frantic instructions I rushed out the door to get my girl, her pediatrician is only open til 12 on fridays so I had to hurry.  I walked in daycare to a sad pitiful child.  I felt terrible.  She only told me one time that morning that her throat hurt, how was I to know.  But I'm the mom I'm always supposed to know.  We rushed to find at 11:25 for some reason her dr. was already closed.  After a brief panic to the urgent care we went.  To get there and find outta about 1 1/2 hour wait but what else was I to do.  By the time the nurse saw my sweet girl her temp had spiked to 102.6 and she told us she was going to find some Tylenol, the nurse didn't even leave the lab before the strep test was positive.  After a 2 1/2 hour venture where the dr. made me feel like I should have known earlier my child was sick, no one got lunch, and I cried alone in one of those rooms with my child we finally left.  I don't need other people to put those thoughts in my head, I have enough of them.  I never feel good enough for my girls.  I know for some reason I am the mom that they need, but that doesn't make me feel worthy or good at it.
In this Lenten season we keep talking at church about this being a time to prepare to receive Gods gifts, but that's so hard to do when you feel so unworthy.  God raises the dead and he can take my baggage, if I can figure out how to give it up and let him take it.  This makes me think of Matthew 11 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  All I can do is try everyday to give it up and trust because this is not what God wants for me.

Revelation

Sometimes in life you get a revelation.  It's like a message comes to you so clearly you know God can be the only source.  It's something that alters your perspective.  That happened to me during church this morning.  The preacher was preaching about God's healing from John 9.  This is the story of Jesus healing the man blind from birth.  There are two different things that we talked about this morning that hit me particularly hard.  The first was taking about the two different types of healing; physical and spiritual.  In the past year God has done a great deal of healing in my life.  Some people can obviously seen this in me, but it may not be noticeable for some because this has not been a physical healing.  There has been some serious spiritual healing happening to me.  God is giving me a purpose and he is healing me for His glory.  I may not know what that purpose is, but I now have this renewed sense of PURPOSE.  One part of this chapter that I had never noticed was when the disciples asked Jesus if the man was blind from his sins or the sins of his parents and Jesus told them neither.  He told the disciples that the man was blind so he could be healed for God's glory.  As soon as the preacher touched on this I realized something big.  Everything that has happened to me in my life was so that God could heal me for His glory.  All of the trials that we face are for His glory.  In the moment it's hard to see but these hard things we go through are to bring glory to God by the way he heals us, the way he supports us, the ways he brings us peace when it seems like we have no right to have peace.  The way that we let God take the wheel when times are tough let's God's light shine through for God's glory.  This has changed my perspective for the better.

God's Timing

Sometimes God puts the right people in the path of your heart at exactly the right time,and sometimes through God's will throes people make all the difference in the world.  And when it's time for them to leave you don't quite know how to feel, even if you know that's selfish.  Even if you know that thus means God has found someone else who needs God to use this person in their life.  But after the past year it's hard not to be a little selfish about it.   I have gone through large portions of my life where I feel like people don't really see me, at least not any of the real stuff.  And large parts of my life where I feel like all the real stuff gets all bottled up inside and I never let it out.  Then God can put the right person in your path and you will feel seen.  Through God that person can reveal your true self to you, just like Jesus did to the Samaritan woman at the well.  Things about yourself you didn't know were there or at least ha ent seen in a long time.  When I write I truly feel and it's like I had forgotten my voice for a lot of years maybe at least in part because I was trying not to feel.  Then God used someone in my life to give me my voice back, to push me (because I can't put myself out there just for me), to with God's help start to put the bandages around my damaged heart. If I'm feeling here I have to admit part of me is afraid.  Afraid of what will happen if the bandages come off too soon, afraid of falling back inside of myself, afraid of falling away from God again, and afraid that I will lose that gentle nudge that God keeps using him as when I'm trying not to hear what God says or when I am afraid to put myself out there.  Who will God send to take that role in my life?  And what if God expects me to do it myself?  I guess right now all I can do is learn as much as I can before god takes away and remember that He wouldn't take him somewhere else if God didn't need to put in the path of someone else's heart.

Kindness and Forgiveness

Have you ever read a bible verse that just sticks with you?  How about attended a really powerful service where you knew the Holy Spirit was speaking directly to you, but you had to chew on it for a minute?  Then sometimes when you begin chewing you realize the two things have something in common. I just recently had a birthday, my 30th, which has caused a lot of contemplation.  I have realized that I am very happy where God has me right now.  My days aren't always easy and sometimes I feel like I can't even do it any more, but overall I am happy to be where I am.  God has been doing work with me and I feel like our relationship is better than ever before.  A week or so ago I read a bible verse in my nightly readings that has stuck with me ever since.  Luke 6:45 A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.  Ever since then I have been praying for God to grant me a kind heart so that could be what bubbles up out of my heart and comes out of my mouth.  The more I think about the things that come out of my mouth being a true reflection of what's in my heart the more I realize how much work I need God to do there.  I know that acknowledging that you have a problem is always the first step, but I don't always come off as a very kind person from my words.  A lot of that is because of my sarcasm and my snarky personality very little of it is said with actual malice.  But very little of it is actually kind.  The more I thought about that the sadder it made me, but I have realized that praying for God to grant me a kind heart is a step.  Continuing to spend time in his word daily is another step.  Then I went to my first Ash Wednesday service, and let me just say it was beautiful and the hymn standing in the need of prayer is so simple and so powerful.  It spoke to me exactly where I was.  I have never been to an Ash Wednesday service before I didn't know what it was, I've never observed the season of lent nor did I really understand what that was.  Sitting in that pew up front listening to the pastor tell us about how the period of lent is about so much more than giving up food and social media about how it is a time of deep introspection and preparation for the celebration of Easter.  He explained it is a time to look inside yourself to find those things that we need to work on to be closer to God and to truly be able to celebrate all that is Easter.  He mentioned forgiveness and how impactful that can be to unburdening the heart.  I knew right then that the message of forgiveness was for me and exactly who I needed to work on forgiving.  It took me until today to realize what that forgiveness and my prayer for a kind heart have in common. How can God ever hope to grant me a kind heart when I cannot let go of all the bitterness that is in my heart when I refuse to forgive? But forgiveness is hard, and the more those have hurt you and the people you love the harder that forgiveness is.  I do have a suspicion though that the harder forgiveness is to come by the more bitterness it stores up in your heart and the bigger a weight that will be lifted once you figure out how to forgive, but that's just a theory.  I have a sister who's unkindness and terrible life decisions have built up a lot of bitterness in my heart.  She has caused so much pain in the life of my mother, my other sisters, her children, and even me.  She has made so many bad decisions and every time one of us reaches out to help her it's never enough.  I have tried to just close off my heart to her, though I know that's not healthy, but I can't.  No matter what she has done, or how infuriated I become she is still my sister.  I think it would be so much easier to forgive her for the slights on me, it has always been the way that she has treated my mother that has caused me to harbor the most ill will towards her.  I have thought about this situation many times before, but before I have never been in a place where I have been ready to do something about it.  Now I feel like something is ready, maybe it is that desire for a kind heart.  The one that knows that no true kindness can come from a heart hiding so much bitterness.  Maybe that's what is allowing me to start this journey of forgiveness, that journey to unburden my heart.  It's not going to be easy and who knows if I will ever be able to get rid of all the bitterness.  I know I can't by myself, luckily I don't have to.  But it's time to try and to pray.  Pray that God will help me to forgive, to remove this bitterness from my heart, so that I can have a kind heart, and that kind words will come out of my mouth.  Who knows how long this process will take, I'm guessing a lot longer than 40 days, but you have to start somewhere.  It feels better already.